The Sideshow Ep. 7: monologue material

The Labor Party wants to ban fast food restaurants from including toys in their kids’ meals. Their little ones keep choking.

The Labor Party wants to ban fast food restaurants from including toys in their kids’ meals. Once it’s banned toys, it plans to remove any food that children find yummy, before moving on to legislating against all fun of any kind.

The Labor Party wants to ban fast food restaurants from including toys in their kids’ meals, while the Leisure Party wants to make them compulsory.

The Labor Party wants to ban fast food restaurants from including toys in their kids’ meals. And toy shops are right out.

Having toys included with meals give out the wrong message to children – they should be taught to play with their food instead.

Labour said that these toys not only pressure kids to eat junk food, but totally distract them from having good old-fashioned food-fights.

The fast-food chains are fighting back, claiming that the cheap plastic trinkets are actually more healthy for the kids than the food is.

The fast-food chains are fighting back, claiming that the cheap plastic trinkets are not toys at all, but are made from exactly the same polymers as the burgers, and should be viewed less as toys and more as “appetizers”.

The Labor Party wants to ban fast food restaurants from including toys in their kids’ meals. Plastic will still be acceptable in the food itself.

But if they take the toys out of fast food meals, what are you expected to eat?

It’s actually how fast food works. If you put a toy in the meal, kids eat their food instead of playing with it.

Parents are buckling to “pester power” and apparently would rather have a fat kid than a whining kid. What’s wrong with the age-old technique of buying the happy meal and throwing away the food?

A spokesman for a major fast food outlet was defiant. “The toys we include in our meals are certainly not intended to make kids pester their parents!” honked Funny O’Burgers, the happy clown from Yummyland. / honked Wanna McTantrum, the petulant clown from GimmeGimmeland.

Apparently, parents are buckling to “pester power” and would rather have a fat kid than a whining kid – after all, there’s no fun laughing and pointing at whiners.

Parents would rather have a fat kid than a whining kid – they go for much higher on the black market. / there’s so much more meat on them.

It’s a risky move by Labor; they could alienate fast food workers, multinational advertisers and the clown union.

In the UK, scientists have bred cows that produce skim milk, and hope to establish herds of the cattle to meet the demands of health-conscious consumers. They’re now working on making the cow’s flesh out of vegieburgers.

Not only is their milk healthier, but they are also the only breed of cow that look good in lycra. / but they are also the only breed of cow known to powerwalk. / but they are also the only breed of cow that actually tastes like mungbeans.

In the UK, scientists have bred cows that produce skim milk. Well, by “bred”, they mean “constructed”. And by “skim milk”, they mean “nerve toxin 637D”.

The milk is also high in omega-3 oils, contains polyunsaturated fat, and has up to three times the daily required levels of tofu. / red lentils. / alfalfa. / fermented bean curd.

The milk is also high in omega-3 oils, contains polyunsaturated fat, and has up to three times the daily required levels of self-righteousness.

Butter from these cows is spreadable straight
from the fridge, like margarine. And tastes just as greasy. / And tastes just as much like vegetable oil mixed with old water. / You can squeeze it straight from the teat onto toast.

The new breed of cows also features a pop-up toaster built into their back and a tail that froths milk. It’s a complete breakfast solution.

The new breed of cows are square in shape, made of stainless steel and have no legs or head. Isn’t nature wonderful!

The new breed of cows are square in shape, made of stainless steel and strongly resemble the machines they used to make skim milk and margarine out of.

The cows, which have a particular genetic mutation, were bred from a single female named “Marge”. Unfortunately, the bull was named “Carcinogen”.

The cows, which have a particular genetic mutation, were bred from a single female named “Marge”. They had another cow called “Butter”, but that was more of a description of what she did

They’ve bred them by introducing a gene that makes cows aware of their body-image. Lining up in the milking sheds is now more like a fashion parade.

The milk is also high in omega-3 oils and contains polyunsaturated fat, and butter from these cows is spreadable straight from the fridge, like margarine. And they’ve been bred with an extra teat which produces plastic for the tub.

Other strains of bovine are being bred for that extra dollop of cream, while still others are being bred to yield soymilk.

Other strains of cow are being bred with Parkinson’s disease, in an attempt to make them produce milkshakes…

In fact, the only annoying thing is that, to milk them, you somehow have to entice them off the treadmill. (Coz they’re very healthy, you see. They’re always at the gym. Working out. On the treadmill.)

The Creationist Museum in Kentucky has just opened with an exhibit featuring dinosaurs journeying on Noah’s Ark. They don’t actually mention the dinosaurs in Genesis, but they were probably distracted from the T-Rex by all those horrible creeping things.

In fact, not only were there dinosaurs on the Ark, but Noah was a particularly friendly pterodactyl.

Gee, aren’t we lucky that Noah was there to save all the dinosaurs from being wiped out…

They didn’t need that much extra room to fit the dinosaurs on; fortunately they only took the cool-looking ones.

Turns out it wasn’t an Ark at all, but a very accomodating pleisiosaur.

The new theme park’s main attraction is an exhibit where the you can hear one of the sermons straight from the mouth of a life-size Jesusaur.

Some of the Dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark include the Jesusaurus and the Velocorapture.

But if Noah saved all the species of dinosaurs less than 6000 years ago, how come they’re all extinct now? God must have decided it was a mistake after all, and subsequently sent down a reptile-specific flood.

Of course humans and dinosaurs co-existed in Jesus’ time! That’s why we have the commandment “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s Pachycephalasaurus.”

They’re adding a new chapter to the bible. It’s called the “Gospel According to The Flintstones”.

They’ve got another exhibit featuring the Flintstones. That was a documentary, you know.

But if dinosaurs were around in the time of Noah, why did they need the flood? God could have just sent the T-Rexes out to do a bit of culling.

The museum has inserted dinosaurs into the Biblical stories to appeal to youngsters, who were being led towards evolution because dinosaurs look so cool. In fact the museum’s version no longer blames the Jews for Christ’s crucifixion – it was actually the velocoraptors.

APOLOGIES

Therese Rein was going to be on the show but she can’t work in Australia anymore.

Therese Rein can’t be here tonight as it would be a conflict of interest for her to appear on a government station.

Therese Rein is sorry she can’t be here tonight – and sorry she ever married a wannabe PM.

Lindsay Lohan can’t be on the show – she’s still coming down from her most recent high, which was mounting the kerb…

Lindsay Lohan can’t be on the show – the vodka company who was going to sponsor her 21st have pulled out, so she’s trying to convince her coke dealer to foot the bill.

Lindsay Lohan couldn’t make it tonight, as she’s been arrested again for driving under the influence. This is her 3rd DUI in 2 years. It’s also her 21st birthday this weekend; she’ll finally be allowed to drink…

Lindsay Lohan couldn’t make it tonight – she says the pressures of fame are drinking her to drive.

Oprah’s new best friend, Jamie Durie, was going to be on the show tonight, but he wasn’t interested unless we offered everyone in the audience a car.

Some dinosaurs from the Ark were going to appear on the show, but they were A BALD-FACED LIE TO ENSNARE THE WEAK OF MIND AND NEVER ACTUALLY EXISTED.

NEXT WEEK

The Dalai Lama arrives in Australia for a 10 day visit – if he can find time in his diary…

The Dalai Lama arrives in Australia for a 10 day visit, and Labor and Liberal scrabble over who can feign interest faster…

The Dalai Lama arrives in Australia for a 10 day visit, and Howard and Rudd ask Chinese officials how high they should jump, and in what direction…

The Dalai Lama arrives in Australia for a 10 day visit, and biologists insist he is not a true llama at all, but more closely related to the dromedary family…

The Dalai Lama arrives in Australia, and it’ll be a good old Aussie Lamarama! He’s also agreed to be interviewed by Denise Drysdale in an event known as the Lamarama Ding-dong.

The Dalai Lama arrives in Australia, and being a humble Buddhist, he’s walking all the way…

Kevin Rudd will agree to sell off the Australian arm of his business if he becomes Prime Minister. Vote for the ALP and we could all be exported!

Lindsay Lohan will have her 21st birthday; she’s going to be the only gatecrasher…

Germany will host the G8 summit. The U.S. is fighting to tone down the summit’s push for urgent action on global warming, while Germany itself will be fighting to tone down the G8’s position on bratwurst. / leiderhosen.

Germany will host the G8 summit. The U.S. is fighting to tone down the summit’s push for urgent action on global warming, while Bono will be fighting to tone down the G8’s position on Irish megalomaniacs.

And only 2 weeks away is James Packer and Erica Baxter’s wedding – or, as he prefers to call it, “corporate takeover”. He can’t wait to give her the sack…

Next week is James Packer’s bucks night – he’s going to be taken to a room full of scantily-clad ladies which he gets to sack.

After 3 days, the Liberal Party Federal Council, its supreme federal organisational gathering, will end, after
many bitter arguments on climate change. After all, when you’ve spent 10 years denying that global warming exists, it might take a day or two to come up with a solution.

The council is split between those who don’t believe we need to do anything about global warming and those that don’t believe in it but think they need to show the voters that they do.

The two leading proposals are the building of an enormous air conditioner, or the construction of a gigantic akubra between the Earth and sun.

The leading proposal involves constructing an Esky the size of Australia, or at least a few giant stubby-holders.

The Liberal Party is still deeply divided over whether or not global warming actually exists, and whether or not the Earth is flat or hollow.

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