The Sideshow Ep. 13: monologue material

THE HORROR OF APEC

Imagine living in a backward dictatorship where police can randomly body-search anyone they like, where they can detain people without any bail or even an actual charge, and where they can stop the public from entering public spaces – using concrete walls and water cannons! Well, imagine no more – welcome to Sydney!

That’s right, APEC in Sydney officially starts on the 2nd, and while they talk about whether or not there’s such thing as climate change or human rights in China, we aren’t allowed to walk around freely in our own city! Well, some people are allowed to walk freely – they’re letting convicted criminals out of jail to free it up a bit so they can arrest protestors! Ah, Howard’s impeccable logic rears its ugly bald little head yet again.

Great! Let’s let out people who have committed a crime so that we can lock up people who are using their democratic right to protest! While we’re at it, let’s lock up all the sane people and let the lunatics run the country! Oh hang on – too late, it’s already happened.

It’s APEC Week! Or as I call it, Terrorist Target Week! Yay!

More than 30 buses will be used as mobile detention cells – and once they’re filled up, protestors will be forced into trains, taxis, and those horse-drawn buggies.

Criminals will be allowed to sleep at home as authorities free-up prisons so they can arrest protestors. This weekend, it’s your choice – do you want to be surrounded by prisoners who’ve got the weekend off and nothing to do, or safely locked up with a bunch of hippies and rights activists?

Okay, so the cops are all busy dealing with protests, and the crims all get to go home… do you think it might be safer being locked up for the weekend?

But this is only going to encourage the protestors. With prisoners all freed and the cops busy arresting them, the safest place to be is in the clink.

They’re emptying out periodic detention prisons to hold all the protestors, meaning protesters against periodic detention will unexpectedly gain a small victory.

Weekend prisoners are being sent home so that they’ve got 500 free cells to store protestors in. Because we wouldn’t want those cells filled up with the guilty.

Anyone under suspicion can be arrested & held without bail. Looks like Baxter was emptied just in time…

Almost 50 loudspeakers and sirens have been installed around the city to warn of security breaches, terrorist threats, and to let the APEC members know when their veal parmagiana’s ready.

The security bill is for APEC is somewhere in the vicinity of $170m, making it more expensive than the Sydney Olympics. And like the Olympics, it’s got its own mascot – Bashy the Overzealous Security Koala!

The security bill is for APEC is somewhere in the vicinity of $170m, making it more expensive than the Sydney Olympics. And, like the Olympics, it’ll mainly be a few of the elite running around in circles while the common folk are stuck outside.

Sydney will put on one of its famous fireworks displays, but residents will have to watch it on TV. If you try to go near the Harbour, you’ll be stopped. And if you try to set off any fireworks, you’ll be deported.

Sydney will put on one of its famous fireworks displays, and Al Qaida are hoping to put on one of theirs…

Sydney will put on one of its famous fireworks displays, just for APEC. Yup. They’ll commemorate their fight on terror by gazing wistfully at things exploding in the night.

Sydney will put on one of its famous fireworks displays, but we will not be allowed near them, and are actually being officially discouraged from going anywhere we can see them. When asked about it, an APEC spokesman said “Nerny nerny nur nur!” and flipped us the bird.

Sydney will put on one of its famous fireworks displays, but we will not be allowed near them, and are actually being officially discouraged from going anywhere we can see them. We will also not be getting any of their delicious delicious cake, and, according to a spokesman for APEC, we smell like wee.

Sydney will put on one of its famous fireworks displays, but we will not be allowed near them, and are actually being officially discouraged from going anywhere we can see them. Instead, the people of Sydney are going to be sent to bed without any supper.

And with Sydney under lock-up, people will be able to peer through the windows at one of the most spectacular fireworks displays ever, when the sky is filled with over three hundred exploding protestors! Yellow! POW! Blue! POW! Greenie! POW!

But with all these anti-protestor measures being installed, they’re actually encouraging more people to protest against the treatment of protestors – the anti-anti-protestors protestors.

They’re building a reinforced concrete fence around the CBD to stop protestors. You know, just like the Berlin Wall, only friendly! / only local.

The only people allowed inside the CBD will be world leaders, waiters and high-class hookers.

John Howard is desperate to ensure everything runs smoothly. After all, this might be his last chance to suck up to President Bush (before they’re both kicked out on their warmongering arses)! / After all, this might be his last chance to spend special time in Dubya’s Bush.

Believe it or not, some of Sydney’s biggest hospitals have postponed all elective surgery as part of a secret health disaster plan. Rumour is, the food at APEC goes right through you.

Every major action group in Sydney has planned a week-long campaign of protest: Resistance, Socialist Alliance, Stop Bush Coalition, Amnesty, MUA, Greens, and Critical Mass. But by far the most excited group is the Wet’N’Wild Fans of Water Cannon Fun! / is the Coalition For Getting Sprayed With Water Cannons. / is Nazis for APEC! / is Howard Youth.

The State Govt. has bought a $600,000 water cannon. Unfortunately, due to the necessity of responsible water usage in this time of drought, it will be filled with beer. Woo! Who wants to protest!

The State Govt. has bought a $600,000 water cannon. Unfortunately, due to the necessity of responsible water usage in this time of drought, it can only be filled with air. / whipped cream. / smarties. / it has to remain totally empty. Like the Australian Government’s assurances of democracy.

ASIO & the Federal Police have conducted checks on the Sydney Children’s Choir to ensure none of them poses a threat to world leaders. Coz some of those kids can sing a killer C sharp. / Coz there’s nothing more threatening to peace than a Children’s Choir.

Bush is leaving after one day of the 2 day summit, just in case his brain explodes from too much thinking. / from 2 days thinking in a row.

The newly-created public holiday on the Friday & the lockdown of the city will turn Sydney into a ghost town. You should see how much the Government has spent on tumbleweeds! / And the budget for tumbleweeds is through the roof.

Friday’s been declared a public holiday, so the suicide bombers won’t have to work out an excuse for a sickie.

Mobile phone calls will be blacked out in central Sydney to prevent bomb attacks. Coz mobile phones pretty much have no other uses, right?

Mobile phone calls will be blacked out in central Sydney to prevent bomb attacks. But what about all the other times when we’re free to make calls willy nilly? What about all the terrorists in other cities? Doesn’t the Australian Government care about our security? Are they siding with the terrorists? I demand a total ban on all mobile phone calls FOREVER!!! You hear me?!!! You’re either against mobile phones, or you’re with BIN LADEN!!!!!!! (Oh, and fax machines, they should go too.)

One of the big issues they’ll be discussing at APEC is how to best bring liberty and democracy to the third-world, and then how to take it all away again.

***

FLORAL EMBLEM OR DIE

Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews has released the 40 page draft “Citizenship Test Resource Book”, designed to equip aspiring immigrants with all the knowledge they need to become a valued member of society. And right on, too – I mean, before someone from another country gets a job in one of our factories, I need them to know what our floral emblem is. / I mean, if someone from overseas doesn’t know what our country’s floral emblem is, they’re out! Get outta here! Come back when you know what flower we are, heathen!

Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews described “Respect for the free-thinking individual” as the key foundation of the Australian tradition. That’s why anyone coming into this country will have to know exactly what we tell them to. / And what proves your free-thinking individuality more than rote-learning trivia? / And nothing proves your free-thinking individuality better than being able to regurgitate historical trivia.

Aspiring immigrants will need to score 60% or better on a Citizenship Test, including questions on things such as the date of Federation, the first Prime Minister and Australia’s floral emblem. It’s about time they brought this in. I’m sick of having people in this country who don’t know our floral emblem! / Get out you wattle-hating terrorists!

Passing this test ensures that migrants have the skills to successfully integrate into Australian society. You never know when you might be caught in a dark alley with a murderous crim demanding to know the date of Federation – or else!

They only need a pass mark of 60%. After all, if you score too high on a test, you’re just not a real Aussie.

But Andrews has refused to release the full list of 200 possible questions. Some of the unreleased ones are:

*** When at a barbecue, one should drink:
A: Lots of beer
B: Lots of bourbon and coke
C: Lots of scotch and dry
D: All of the above, then pass out in your own vomit.

*** “Dinki di” is an expression meaning:
A: “Fair dinkum”
B: “True Blue”
C: “Tiny little dead princess”
D: It doesn’t mean anything, you’re just trying to make me look like an idiot.

*** When one “comes the raw prawn”, one has:
A: Lied
B: Exaggerated
C: Unwittingly misled
D: Had illegal and painful sex with seafood.

*** Foreigners are:
A: Dirty filthy backward people who should be locked up
B: Evil and determined to destroy our way of life
C: Those weird things that live in Iraq
D: Not really people so we can humiliate them by submitting them to tests that not even people who’ve lived here all their lives are likely to know the answers to.

*** Australia’s first Prime Minister is:
A: Captain Cook
B: Merv Hughes
C: John Howard
D: Totally irrelevant, for god’s sake, ask me something I might actually need to know.

***What is a “non-core promise”?
A: A lie
B: Something between a suggestion and an intention
C: There is no such thing – it’s either a promise or not
D: Whatever John Howard says it is.

***When someone says they will never ever bring in a GST, what does this mean?
A: They will never ever bring in a GST
B: They will definitely bring in a GST
C: They can’t wait to bring in a GST
D: Not only will they bring in a GST, they’ll illegally invade another country to impress their buddies.

***Who is Kevin Andrews?
A: The Immigration Minister
B: The Minister for Controlling the Subhumans
C: The Gatekeeper of Infinite Wisdom
D: A lonely man with a very small penis who compensates by torturing the innocent.

*** Gallipoli is:
A: A Turkish peninsula
B: A Mel Gibson film
C: The birth of our great nation
D: A filthy foreign dish, probably Dago.

*** A barbie is:
A: A hotplate for cooking meat outdoors
B: A children’s doll
C: A hairdresser
D: Held every Saturday during summer unless there’s cricket on.

***Who won the 1977 AFL Grand Final? Trick question – firstly, it was called the VFL back then, and secondly, it was a tie. Got you a beauty, sand-nigger!

***Who will you vote for at the next election? No single correct answer for this one, we’ll accept the Liberal Party, the Coalition or “that old guy with the eyebrows”.

***Define “girt”. / Other than the Australian national anthem, name one song that uses the word “girt”. Go on – try to find anything else that uses the word “girt”.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Members of Resistance, Socialist Alliance, the Stop Bush Coalition, Amnesty, the MUA, the Greens, and the Critical Mass cycling group can’t be with us – they’re in prison.
(next card) No, sorry, they’ve disappeared mysteriously.
(next card) What I meant to say was they never even existed.

Unfortunately we’ve had to cancel the planned equestrian showcase tonight – all the horses that aren’t quarantined for equine flu are busy stomping protestors’ heads in.

Congratulations are due to John Howard for finally becoming the granddad he’s always acted like…

John Howard’s new grandson can’t be here – unfortunately he didn’t know Australia’s floral emblem. Christmas Island for you, young lad.

John Howard has become a grandfather, with the birth of Angus Benjamin Howard McDonald on Saturday. They were going to call it “Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi” / “Howard Bradman Ned Kelly Gold Rush Lamington Pav” / “Mohummad Koran Abdul Allah Haneef”.

A little lost girl came up to us backstage. But she didn’t know Australia’s first Prime Minister so we’ve had to deport her.

In tonight’s show, the role of “author” will be played by Kevin Andrews.

The winners of the Wikipedia award for most number of edits goes to the Department of Defence. No – the Office of Prime Minister! No – the Department of Defence! I don’t know, the answer keeps changing…

Laura Bush has cancelled her attendance at APEC; even she’s embarrassed of being seen with Dubya.

Laura Bush has cancelled her attendance at APEC; she only hangs around her old man to drink his leftovers.

NEXT WEEK

Save The Koala Month begins today! The one month in the year where we can go around kicking wombats.

Save The Koala Month begins today, and already scores of Koalas have been shaved by the hard-of-hearing…

Next Tuesday sees a Carbon Neutral, Eco-Friendly Fashion Parade and Party. Will be interesting to see what clothes the Emperor will be wearing…

Next Tuesday sees a Carbon Neutral, Eco-Friendly Fashion Parade and Party. The place’ll be decorated with all those black balloons everyone’s been generating…

Next Tuesday sees a Carbon Neutral, Eco-Friendly Fashion Parade and Party. I’m excited – I’ve always wanted to see the country’s top models dressed in mulch.

Peter Garrett’s going to address the National Press Club in Canberra. Hopefully he’ll do “Read About It”.

Peter Garrett’s going to address the National Press Club in Canberra – but he’s not allowed to do the dance. (do Garrett dance)

The World Air Guitar Championships, an event that gets bigger every year – in fact air guitars are now a more popular instrument than regular guitars.

The World Air Guitar Championships are being held in Finland, and in keeping with the Scandinavian metal scene, the event climaxes with the burning of an air church.

And it’s the World Air Guitar Championships! Last year’s winner still has their air-trophy proudly on display in their air-cabinet… they won by playing an impressive air-solo, then smashing their air-guitar into their air-amp, before setting it on air-fire.

APEC begins in Sydney on Friday, which coincidentally is National Threatened Species Day. Do world leaders qualify as their own species?

APEC begins in Sydney on Friday, which coincidentally is National Threatened Species Day. Obviously, this year, the threatened species are the protestors…

Happy birthday next Saturday to James Packer and Lachlan Murdoch. They’ll celebrate by giving each other a new planet. / They’ll celebrate with a friendly game of Monopoly.

Happy birthday next Saturday to James Packer and Lachlan Murdoch. Coincidence?

Today’s the beginning of “30 days of fashion & beauty” – and a month of vomiting.

Adult Learners’ Week begins today. (slowly and condescendingly) Ad-ult Ler-ners Week. Okay, you can go and eat your playlunch now.

Tomorrow is the start of Parkinson’s Awareness Week, instigated by the BBC in a desperate attempt to get the old guy some ratings.

Tomorrow is the start of Parkinson’s Awareness Week, but I’m going to start now. After the Sideshow, it’s Parkinson – just making you sure you’re aware.

It’s the start Spring Fashion Week in Melbourne on Monday, with the world’s most beautiful models trying on some of Melbourne’s most high-tension springs. / Spring Fashion Week in Melbourne will see a display of the world’s best-dressed springs.

It’s the start Spring Fashion Week in Melbourne on Monday, when all of Melbourne dresses up their springs in tiny little outfits and parades them on the streets.

On Monday it’s the start Spring Fashion Week in Melbourne, followed by Sexy Sprocket Week and The World’s Hottest Phillip’s-Head. / and Miss Metric Wrench.

Brisbane hosts the International River Symposium. In fact the guests of honour have been pouring in for weeks!

The International River Symposium begins in Brisbane this week, where all the world’s greatest rivers come together and bitch about the humans are totally fucking them over.

The Reserve Bank will make an announcement on interest rates which will basically go, “yeah, we love ‘em.”

And it’s 10 years since Mother Teresa died, and found herself talking to all the pretty angels with the shiny pitchforks.

On Thursday, the Journalism Conference 2007 will kick off in Melbourne, with the state’s top journalists getting together and exposing the dodgy neighbours from hell. / and discussing foreign doctors, dodgy mechanics, and the new sure-fire way to lose weight fast.

George Dubya Bush arrives for APEC – looks like it’s bush week after all.

On Thursday, the new APEC security fence will be erected. And John Howard will make an announcement that he’s renaming this year “1984”…

On Thursday, the new APEC security fence will be erected. Well, they have to – otherwise Dubya might get out.

On Friday, APEC begins in Sydney, and it’s a public holiday! I know – let’s all go and see what’s happening at APEC! / Is this a plan to try and arrest everybody?

Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn turns 1, gets pissed and buys some breast implants.

And it’s one year since Peter Brock died doing what he loved so much – being crushed to death in a hunk of twisted metal.

Tomorrow of course is Motherfuckers’ Day. … What?

National Literacy & Numeracy Week kicks off with their brand new slogan “Reading is Number F!” / “Reading is Totally Gwirk!” / “Numeracy is Number 6!” / “If you can read this you’re mnhhgh kwlelr porjjsuu bnaar!”

It’s Natunal Literanky and Numberaky Week.

It’s the first anniversary of Steve Irwin being stung. Anybody caught celebrating will be deported.

It’s the first anniversary of Steve Irwin being stung. Police are on the look-out for a stingray blowing out a candle.

It’s the first anniversary of Steve Irwin being stung, and Bindi lives on. Where’s a stingray when you need one?

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