The Sideshow Ep. 17: monologue material

Tonight – bearded ladies, sword swallowers and other names for Liberal ministers.

Smears! Last week, a story circulated about Kevin Rudd having heart surgery. Now there’s a rumour about a married govt. minister who is secretly gay, visits bath houses and is having an affair with one of his male staffers. In particular, one of his males’ staffs.

These rumourmongers have dirty minds. What could be more wholesome than visiting a bath house? And it’s easier to get clean in the bath when you’ve got a few strong young men to help you scrub those hard-to-reach spots…

Weird thing is, this rumour is apparently being spread by other Liberals. They’re jealous because he hogs the rubber ducky.

Weird thing is, this rumour is apparently being spread by other Liberals. They’re jealous that he gets all the cute boys, while they’re stuck playing splashies with Howard and Ruddock.

Since the smears against Labor members appear not to be sticking, the Libs have started smearing each other. Much more effective.

The rapid implosion of the Liberal Party continued with a rumour that a Federal minister is gay. And it’s not even Dolly Downer!

Another minister explained the reason for the leaking of the smear sheet. “I just gotta smear SOMEONE!”

Rumour has it the Minister is not just gay, but also a greenie, a pacifist, and Aboriginal.

The Minister is said to be having an affair with one of his male staffers. It’s a case of (camp) “Ooh, YES, minister!”

His wife is referred to by Liberals as “a beard”. Now if you’re wearing your wife as a beard, that’s not gay, that’s just weird. Weird beard.

But the dirt unit’s smear campaigns don’t appear to be sticking. Maybe they smeared them off.

The Libs accused Labor of smearing themselves over Rudd’s heart surgery, and then a couple of days later were caught smearing one of their own ministers. These days it’s the smear campaigns about the smear campaigns that are the real vote-winners. / With all this self-smearing of dirt going on, Parliament House is looking more like Confest.

One politician is rumoured to have cervical cancer – although that may just be a pap smear.

Recently , a story circulated about Kevin Rudd having heart surgery. Now there’s a vicious rumour circulating about John Howard having a heart.

And apparently, when Bob Brown’s hugging those trees, he’s not just hugging them…

Rumour has it, Peter Garrett used to play that rock and/or roll music.

More dirt: apparently Alexander Downer still wets his nappy.

***

The Australian Defence Force’s top medical officer says he’ll investigate if taxpayers’ money has been misused for cosmetic surgery. More than $1.1m was spent last year on breast implants, tummy tucks, nose jobs and other cosmetic surgery for defence personnel – but, to be fair, they’re a buncha fucking ugly cunce.

According to Plastic surgeon Kourosh Tavakoli, who performed the operations, the sailors claimed the breast enlargements “were necessary for mental health reasons”. Apparently, there’s no way they could blow people up unless they looked like totally hot in the photos.

The ADF allows operations like breast enlargements, tummy tucks or nose jobs if it was required for mental health reasons. It’s cheaper than operating on their brains.

The ADF allows an operation like a nose jobs if it was required for mental health reasons. For instance, if sniper fire has buried your nose in your cerebellum.

Plastic surgery can be publicly funded for operations necessary for mental health reasons. For instance if any defence personnel start thinking for themselves, a boob job will lower their IQ sufficiently to fall back into line.

“I’ve had two female navy officers who’ve got the navy to pay for breast augmentation for psychological reasons,” he said. They obviously have psychological problems if they think the navy is just about big tits. What about the binge drinking!?

But of course the Navy’s happy to pay for bigger tits. Those ships are full of seamen…

It’s actually all about safety in warfare – apparently those enormous bazoongas also double as lifeboats.

Several soldiers had plastic surgery to make them look more like Rambo, Arnie, or the toughest sailor of them all, Popeye.

Some had to have plastic surgery to remove the Klan hoods. / beerbongs. / sump from up their rumps.

John Howard pointed out that plastic surgery was justified so that soldiers could let off a bit of steam… through their new blowholes.

The breast implants were allowed because they were required for “psychological reasons”. They were part of a complete sex change. / The women had a breast fixation.

The breast implants were allowed because they were required for “psychological reasons”. In this case, they were part of psychological warfare – once the terrorists see their new jugs, the war’s pretty much won! / – how could 72 virgins in the afterlife compare with this set of cans in the here-and-now?

Cosmentic surgery is allowed to be claimed if it’s for psychological reasons. For instance if your psychologist would like you to have bigger boobs…

A Defence spokeswoman said there had been no evidence of any penile enhancement operations. Well, after seeing those binge-drinking KKK-imitating sailors recently, I don’t think the Navy needs any more giant knobs.

Apparently it’s within policy guidelines to pay for botox treatments too. That way, when you get captured and tortured for information, you can’t give anything away with your expression. (blank glassy look)

A spokeswoman said there had been no evidence of defence personnel undertaking botox treatment. It was obviously a good job then.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

A very sad announcement: the world’s greatest mime, Marcel Marceau, has died. He was walking against a very strong wind when he tripped and was blown away…

A very sad announcement: the world’s greatest mime, Marcel Marceau, has died. Or, as it was reported in the mime’s weekly: (mime-in-a-glass-box impression, then mimed-death – tongue poking out, slack neck, etc)

Reports from Marcel Marceau’s funeral indicate that he was buried in a magnificent imaginary casket.

Marcel Marceau has either died, or is in the middle of an amazing performance.

Marcel Marceau has sadly died. Actually, he’s been dead for years, but everyone just thought it was an epic “statue” performance.

We’ve been given details of Marcel Marceau’s will. Apparently (bizarre mime). Well. What a bombshell, eh?

Supermodel Jodie Kidd has been busted for selling drugs to undercover reporters – what a fool! Everyone knows undercover reporters buy their drugs direct from the underworld!

Supermodel Jodie Kidd can’t be here, she’s been caught selling drugs. Obviously being a supermodel doesn’t pay what it used to…

Supermodel Jodie Kidd can’t be here, she’s been caught selling drugs. Although, to be fair, she thought the were tictacs. / she thought they were diet pills.

Unfortunately supermodel Jodie Kidd can’t be on the show tonight, as she’s been busted for selling drugs to undercover reporters. Although, in her defense, she says she’s a journo herself, and was doing a story on whether undercover reporters would buy drugs from a supermodel…

John Howard has committed to a target of 15% clean energy by 2020. And the Australian electorate has committed to a target of zero percent John Howard by 2008.

John Howard says that Australia has to commit to cutting greenhouse gases, by exactly the amount that the states had already committed to. You tell ‘em, Johnny.

John Howard says that Australia has to commit to cutting greenhouse gases, by exactly the amount that he makes with hot air and divisionist rhetoric. Now that’s a goal we can actually reach!

John Howard was booked to come on the show tonight, but he’s busy trying to somehow come up with some dirt on the competition. So far, he’s come up with “Kevin Rudd likes titties”, and “Bob Brown is gay”. He tried to come up with something about the leader of the Democrats, but he didn’t know who it was.

John Howard was going to be doing some acrobatics on the show tonight, but has pulled out at the last minute: apparently he only does back-flips on climate change and emissions targets.

Could John Howard please move your new hybrid car – you’re not fooling anyone.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad planned to visit Ground Zero in New York this week. He just wanted to pay his respects. To the hijackers.

In big news, Iranian President Ahmadinejad planned to visit Ground Zero this week. He wanted to know exactly where he should aim the missiles…

500 English people are emigrating from the UK every day. Every day! We got fewer Poms when they were forced to come. / We got fewer Poms when they were sentenced to come here!

George Dubya Bush is asking for another $200bn U.S. to fund the Iraq war for 2008. His contractor buddies need some new islands…

Dubya’s asking Congress for another $200 billion for the Iraq war. Gee, couldn’t we lose just as well for free? / Although it is a lot easier to lose this war for free.

Winner of the George Dubya Bush award for most money wasted on an unwinnable war: wow – for the fifth year running, George Dubya Bush!

Now a hat’s being passed around the audience, if you could make a donation, that’d be great. If we can raise another 200 billion in U.S. dollars, George Bush reckons we can fund the Iraq war for 2008! Give generously, people…

George Dubya Bush is selling raffle tickets, if you’d like to buy one. He needs to raise 200 billion in U.S. dollars, so dig deep – the winner gets another year of blowing up Iraqis!

Britney Spears is up for a role in a sitcom where she plays a businessman’s fake wife. Should suit her, she’s been quite successful playing a fake singer.

Britney was going to be on the show tonight, but she’s rehearsing for her new sitcom. Apparently she plays a woman who pretends to be the wife of a businessman to further his career, before falling pregnant twice, shaving her head, being snapped with no undies on by the paparazzi, driving with a baby on her lap, and eventually attempting a comeback on a music awards show by lumbering around a stage dressed like a skank, badly lipsynching to lacklustre dross. And, quite frankly, I think it’s the part for her. / Looks like she’s finally found her perfect role!

Shane Warne has accidentally sent us an SMS, it reads “Please 4give me babe, I was sending that msg 4 a frend”.

NEXT WEEK

National Rugby League grand final – I’ll actually be re-enacting it at home by slapping together chunks of meat.

Tomorrow sees the NRL grand final between the Sea Eagles and the Storm. The Storm are hoping to strike the Eagles with lightning, while the Sea Eagles’ strategy is to fly high and shit.

Tomorrow is World Heart Day. The rest of the body can suck eggs.

Tomorrow is World Heart Day. The rest of the week is for kidneys, liver and lungs, and October is dedicated to all the leftover offal.

Tomorrow is World Heart Day. Let me tell you, I can’t wait for Giblets Day!

Sunday: World Heart Day! An awesome day for everyone except the Tinman and John Howard… / Phillip Ruddock…

The Norfolk Island Book Festival will feature Colleen McCulloch. And… er, did I mention Colleen McCulloch?

Spring Food & Wine Festival in Sydney – all of NSW’s most delicious wine, most exquisite food, and bounciest springs, all together at last!

Spring Food & Wine Festival in Sydney, although due to the drought this year it will be more like a Hay & Twig Festival.

The breakout ’07 Festival in Brisbane will feature bird flu, horse flu and SARS.

The breakout ’07 Festival in Brisbane will begin. It’s every prisoner’s favourite festival.

Breakout ’07 Festival in Brisbane – sponsored by Clearasil…

National Vegetarian Week! It started out with good intentions, but now the vegos just all go to pick up. It’s turned into an absolute tofu-market…

National Vegetarian Week will be celebrated with a parade through the city streets on carrotback…

National Vegetarian Week will kick off! The official spokesperson for the week is Jackie O, and I’ve got to say, good on them for picking a total vegetable.

National Vegetarian Week will kick off! If you look at the official homepage, you’ll see that their list of famous vegetarians includes Meatloaf… which seems a bit weird.

Mike Tyson on trial over drug charges, which makes a nice change from the assault charges he usually faces.

Mike Tyson on trial over drug charges. The good thing about Tyson is, whatever they said he did, he did it. Makes it so much easier for everyone. / Case closed.

2008 Guinness Book of Records released – and believe it or not, we’re in there! Yes! Give it up! We’re first entry in the list of “Shows people don’t even know are on”…

The 54th Guinness Book of Records will be released – which is a new record!

The 54th Guinness Book of Records will be released. New records include world’s most boring YouTube clip, world’s most friendless MySpace page, and world’s most ridiculous eyebrows – and all three went to John Howard!

Australian Idol’s Damien Leith will release his autobiography – and it’s a good read, if you’ve got a spare five minutes.

Australian Idol’s Damien Leith will release his autobiography – it’s called “Fuck It, If Being An Australian Idol Is The Highlight Of My Life, I’m Killing Myself Now.”

In London, Madame Tussaud’s will unveil their Camilla waxwork – and it’s actually more realistic than the original! / and Prince Charles immediately goes the grope. / and Prince Charles immediately pledges his undying love for it.

The new Madame Tussaud’s wax version of Camilla Parker-Bowles will be unfortunately confused with the waxwork model of Phar Lap.

In London, Madame Tussaud’s will unveil their Camilla waxwork, and in a tragic mixup, it will end up becoming Queen.

Stephen Hawking & his daughter will release a children’s book – “My Dad’s a Spazzy and a Nerd.”

Stephen Hawking and his daughter will release a children’s book, about an android who travels across time and space via his magical wheeled chair, only to discover that time and space are actually the same thing – and then the rest of the book shows us the mathematical proof.

Target will announce their new designer range of clothing, and it’ll get even harder to tell the bogans from the snobs.

The Chaser are in court over their APEC hijinks. I dare Chas to go into the witness box dressed as Osama.

And the Chaser will appear in court over their APEC hijinks! Chas will appear dressed as Osama, and the rest will be dressed as Chas…

And the Chaser will appear in court over their APEC hijinks! The judge will have them “rendered” to Pakistan for “questioning”…

And the Chaser will appear in court over their APEC hijinks! But the cops and security guards who just let them waltz in won’t be charged with anything at all. Ah, sweet justice…

And the Chaser will appear in court over their APEC hijinks! But they have to sneak into the courtroom with fake IDs – and at least one of them has to be dressed as a terrorist.

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