The Sideshow Ep 19: monologue material

A controversial Christian leader, who advocates the destruction of mosques, casinos and bottle shops, says God told him to spend “personal time” with John Howard. Hopefully God wants to add Howard to the pile of mosques, casinos and bottleshops…

God needed “personal time” to speak with Howard through Pastor Danny Nalliah – after all, he can’t be everywhere at once!

Catch the Fire ministries leader Danny Nalliah has said he was instructed to meet with John Howard and Peter Costello… by God. You see, God finds it entertaining when he can make leaders meet loonies.

God reckons if he can get the Liberal leaders to talk to all the loony Christian leaders they’re bound to lose.

He also wants to “prophetically prepare” Peter Costello to be Prime Minister. Apparently Costello’s gunna have to build an Ark.

A controversial Christian leader, who advocates the destruction of mosques, casinos and bottle shops, says God told him to spend “personal time” with John Howard. I wonder if it’s like the “personal time” God tells priests to spend with altar boys…

Pastor Danny Nalliah did actually get to have one-to-one meetings with Howard and Costello in August. But I’m sure they do that for every guy who’s been told to see them by voices in his head.

Apparently the Lord has decided John Howard will win the election. Makes it kinda silly that we still have to vote, then.

Apparently the Lord has already decided John Howard will win the election, so we don’t actually need to have one any more. The Government is now going to spend their election budget on public stonings.

God is apparently very impressed that John Howard asked Australia to pray for rain, but not quite as impressed that he asked Australia to vote Liberal.

God is preparing Costello to be PM. He’s giving him a tracksuit.

God says Howard can only be Prime Minister if he sacrifices his first-born treasurer…

Pastor Danny Nalliah also told fellow Christians he supports the Coalition because the ALP permits abortion and homosexuality. Can’t he see that if everyone was gay, there’d be no abortion? And if everyone was aborted, there’d be no homosexuality!

God also had a message to pass on to Howard: “See you soon.”

God’s definitely hoping for a Coalition win. He’s sick of waiting around for the Apocalypse to “just happen”.

Nalliah advocates the destruction of mosques, casinos and bottle shops. That way he can piss off everyone.

Nalliah is trying to get the Coalition to agree to his policy of destroying mosques, casinos and bottle shops. So far, they’ve only agreed to destroy them in the Middle East.

Nalliah says he’s justified in supporting the Coalition because the ALP supports abortion & homosexuality, whereas the Liberals just support illegal genocidal war and massive corruption.

It’s so obviously a dodgy religion though – everyone knows that if you catch the fire, you’re going to burn.

***

Princes William and Harry are considering changing the law to crack down on paparazzi pursuits after Wills and Kate Middleton were chased home after leaving a nightclub. But it was an honest mistake – the paparazzi were just trying to buy drugs.

Why not just flip the bird at paparazzi? They’re called digital cameras for a reason…

Avoiding paparazzi can be as simple as wearing a camera and slipping into the crowd.

One good way to thwart the paparazzi is to crash your limo into a tunnel, killing everyone on board. That’ll stop em!

Or you could just reneg your princedom.

My feeling is, if you don’t want paparazzi, don’t be third in line to the throne.

Of course, the best way to defeat the paparazzi is to get the Queen to kill them.

The best way to defeat the paparazzi is to dress like someone they have no interest in. Like Osama.

The best way to defeat the paparazzi is to dress like someone they’re scared of, like Russell Crowe.

You could hire look-alikes to lure the paparazzi out into the open, and then when they’re distracted, drop a piano on them.

But if Prince William really wants to turn the paparazzi off, he should dump Kate Middleton and go out with someone really fugly.

You could always pass the paparazzi off to me. Anything for a bit of publicity! Come on, snappers, destroy my life for a change!

***

Family groups are outraged that girls as young as 7 are learning to pole dance. Well that’s completely inappropriate. Apart from anything else, those poles can be covered in boy germs.

The poles are excellent for building strength and flexibility, and the nipple tassles are good for getting extra playlunch money.

Family groups are outraged that girls as young as 7 are learning to pole dance. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, many families are now relying on the extra income.

Of course, being 7 years old means you save so much money on Brazilians. / waxing.

Of course, being 7 years old means you only get a fiver slipped into your g-string. But you do save a fortune only snorting baby-lines of coke.

Of course, being a seven-year-old pole-dancer means your clients can only pay you in mixed lollies.

It’s a good way for young girls to earn a bit of extra pocket money. Well, G-string money anyway.

As well as being great for strength and flexibility, poledancing is also perfect for lowering your expectations.

But girls should practice pole-dancing: under WorkChoices, it may be the only job they’ll be able to get.

Of course, pole-dancing as a kid doesn’t mean you’re going to end up a stripper – you might end up a dancing fireman.

Kids say that it’s fine pole-dancing. They just wanna be like their heroes the Pole-dancing Bratz and Crackwhore Barbie.

Newcastle University Professor of psychiatry Louise Newman said young girls’ minds are being corrupted by such sexualisation. “There are other ways girls can exercise,” she says. Like washing cars in a bikini.

Of course, they’re not calling it “poledancing”, they’re calling it “pole fitness”. Also, instead of stripper, they prefer the term “underclothes technician” / “clothes removal specialist”.

Of course, the company says their pole-dancing classes aren’t slutty at all. It’s those skanky little kids.

The girls learn moves from gymnastics, martial arts and the circus, set to music. Gary Glitter’s actually offered to play live. And nude.

A spokeswoman for the Australian Family Association said the classes were inappropriate. “Why choose a pole, the classic phallic symbol of the pornographic world?” Good point. Why don’t they swing themselves around, say, a giant wombat?

A spokeswoman for the Australian Family Association said the classes were inappropriate. “Why choose a pole, the classic phallic symbol of the pornographic world?” Now maybe it’s just the way mind works, but I always thought the classic phallic symbol of the pornographic world was the cock.

Fitness centres are using poles for strengthening & flexibility exercises in teens & pre-teens. And it’s great for getting boys to give you their playlunch.

All this fuss is ridiculous. Pole-dancing is just as innocent as jelly-wrestling and handjobs.

Family groups are trying to get the ALP to take a policy to the election about young girls pole-dancing. Trouble is, Kevin Rudd keeps forgetting the details.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The first job for the Tassie pulp mill has been announced. They’re going to pulp 11 years worth of sensitive government documents.

Malcolm Turnbull has announced another Pulp Mill. This one is going to be running flat out making paper for government brochures.

An announcement from Environment Minister Malcolm Turnbull:
he’d just like to say that he fully approves of the new Soylent Green plant, and heartily recommends that anyone who has any complaints please just visit the factory. Enter via the processing chute…

We’ve got an announcement from Peter Garrett: apparently he’s a traitorous sell-out with no balls, who should be shoved screaming into that pulp mill himself. Well Pete, I think you’re a bit hard on yourself, but if you say so…

Kevin Andrews unfortunately can’t be with us tonight, after it turned out he’s actually Sudanese. You can tell by the hair.

Al Gore’s flew to the Nobel peace prize, ironically further increasing his enormous carbon footprint. But then he has enormous carbon feet.

Al Gore has finally committed to not running for US President. After all, how’s a Nobel Peace Price going to be useful when you’re head of the world’s biggest military?

Congratulations to Al Gore for winning the Nobel peace prize! And congratulations to Dubya Bush for winning the No Peace Bell prize.

And comiserations to Al Gore for not winning the Nobel peace prize. But you can’t really give a peace prize to someone named “gore”.

Officials in the White House are already preparing to hand over to Hillary Clinton, before she’s even officially got the Democratic presidential nomination. After all, it’s her family’s turn.

The winner of the American Democrats raffle is… Hillary Clinton! Unfortunately the only prize is getting to be in the American Democrats. There’s also a boobie prize, but Bill Clinton’s already busy with that one…

We’ve got an announcement here from Kevin Rudd – apparently he’s renaming his party the Laboral Party. That way when he takes over government, he won’t actually have to create any new policies.

Kevin Rudd couldn’t be on the show tonight: unfortunately once he heard the news that he’s more “visionary & trustworthy than Howard” in a new poll, he just had to stay at home and pose in the mirror, flexing his mandarin.

After a recent poll found Kevin Rudd seen to be more visionary than the PM, Johnny has ordered a new pair of glasses. / decided to trim his eyebrows.

A new poll found that Kevin Rudd is more trustworthy than John Howard, though still less trustworthy than Steve Vizard, Helen Demedenko and Chopper.

Great news! Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. She’s celebrating with a pound of hash and a handful of speedballs.

Lindsay Lohan couldn’t be on the show tonight. She’s just got out of rehab, and is celebrating with some close friends – Miss Mary Jane, Mr Al Cohol, and Ms Anne Fetameens.

Lindsay Lohan checked out of rehab, and celebrated by driving home pissed.

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab, and the rehab centre has been able to take down the padding around their buildings.

Shock news! U.S. champion athlete and star of the Sydney Olympics Marion Jones has admitted using steroids! That’s why she could run so fast – her dealer was waiting at the finish line.

U.S. champion athlete and star of the Sydney Olympics Marion Jones couldn’t make it onto the show tonight. Apparently our security mistook her for a silverback gorilla and wouldn’t let her in.

U.S. champion athlete and star of the Sydney Olympics Marion Jones can’t make it onto the show tonight. She’s busy selling drugs to the AFL…

U.S. champion athlete & star of the Sydney Olympics Marion Jones has admitted using steroids. That explains it. I always thought she ran pretty fast.

U.S. champion athlete Marion Jones has admitted using steroids during the Sydney Olympics. In fact she’s confessed that she’s actually a short, fat man.

Australian Fashion Week is continuing the trend towards models with a little fat on them. They’re now chowing down up to 500 grams of diet pills a day.

The winner of this week’s meat raffle is… Australian Fashion Week! Fantastic news – coz there’s no meat on the models, is there. / those models need a bit of meat on ‘em.

The government has launched a new media campaign to ensure Australians are informed that Kevin Rudd is a poo-bum.

The new government advertising campaign promises that every Australian gets free ice cream. With sprinkles.

We’ve got an announcement here from John Howard: apparently we’ve all been very naughty, and now we won’t be getting any election at all.

We’ve got an announcement here from John Howard: he’s popped a handful of Viagra, and can feel an election coming on.

NEXT WEEK

The PM will call the election. Maybe. Depends on whether he’s managed to stuff the rest of the surplus into the pockets of his advertising mates.

The PM will call a spade a spade, call the kettle black, then finally call the election.

The Prime Minister will either call the election or spectacularly explode (into thousands of tiny Prime Mini-mes).

It’s Zero Footprint Week tomorrow, so make sure you leave zero footprints by driving or flying everywhere.

It’s Zero Footprint Week tomorrow, so make sure you wear shoes that have soles made of grass.

It’s Zero Footprint Week; so wear your shoes.

Anti-Poverty Week; poor people are being sent to Christmas Island.

Tomorrow’s the start of Anti-Poverty Week, where we celebrate anti-poverty. Yes a whole week to honour those better off than ourselves, the truly fortunate with plenty of ready cash and assets. Give stingily.

Tomorrow will see Australia’s first YouTube election debate. It’s like totally LOL.

And tomorrow will be Australia’s first YouTube election debate! It’s over the seat of Eden-Monaro, with questions posted by the public on the site. The contestants will be the Liberal incumbent, the Labor party, The Greens, and independents. There was going to be a National candidate too, but he misunderstood, and started yelling policies into a real tube. / into a U-bend.

Liberal and Labor candidates in Eden-Monaro will debate via YouTube, while the Green candidate will yell into a U-bend. It’s more environmentally friendly.

The contestants will be the Liberal incumbent, the Labor party, The Greens, and independents. The National party misunderstood, and thought the debate was going to be on pootube, with terrible consequences. The footage of which can now be seen on YouTube. Everything moves in circles, doesn’t it?

Tomorrow is the International River Health Conference: have you ever tried to take a river’s temperature?

The results of the International River Health Conference: if we just pop two asprins in the rivers every morning, they’ll be right as rain.

The International River Health Conference will report that rivers don’t get better, no matter how many pharmaceuticals you pour into it.

Australian Open Polo Championships; followed by the Australian Marco Polo Championships.

On Monday, the Airbus A380 will be unveiled – which is perfect timing, coz they’re really hard to fly with the veil still on.

On Monday the Airbus A380 will be unveiled. And woah – that’s one massive veil.

The world’s largest passenger aircraft, the Airbus A380, will be launched. It can seat up to 850 passengers, fly at over 900 km/hour and could have taken down both of the Twin Towers by itself.

The Public Relations National Conference begins. I hear it’s excellent. / Word is it’s awesome.

Monday’s the National Conference on “Public Relations”, or as it’s better known, “Sex Outdoors”.

On Monday Prince Christian, son of Fred from Denmark and Mary from Tassie, turns 2! Wonder if he’s used that tram yet.

On Monday Prince Christian, son of Fred from Denmark and Mary from Tassie, turns 2! Apparently this year he gets Tasmania to keep!

Fred and Mary’s son Prince Christian turns 2. As a present, he gets to rule Copenhagen for the day.

Fred and Mary’s son Prince Christian turns 2. They’re going to give him a lovely danish. Kingdom.

On Tuesday, it’s the 2007 Booker Prize, followed by the 2007 Hooker Prize, and, for the losers of those two competitions, there’s the 2007 Sooker Prize.

The judges for the 2007 Booker Prize will break with tradition and award the prize to a maroon tracksuit. / a bag of fertilizer. / a small lump of pus.

On Tuesday, Australia takes part in a U.S. counter-terrorism exercise. We run around, and they try to shoot us.

On Tuesday, Australia takes part in a U.S. counter-terrorism exercise. The yanks get the latest in high-tech killing machines, and we get to pull their finger. / and we get a blindfold. / and we get these cool uniforms with big targets painted on the front. / and we get to dress up as Iranians.

Australia takes part in a U.S. counter-terrorism exercise. If that’s what you call bombing Iran.

Australia takes part in a U.S. counter-terrorism exercise. Although, to tell the truth, counter-terrorists are pretty fit already.

On Wednesday, there’ll be a Secrets Of The Media seminar. Or will there?

On Wednesday it’s the “Secrets Of The Media” seminar. Shhhh!

On Wednesday it’s the “Secrets Of The Media” seminar, where you can learn all about overblown dramatic re-enactments, taking tiny little soundbites out of context, and where to find the best “neighbours from hell”.

On Thursday it’s the 2007 Perth Sexpo, the most poorly-attended expo in the entire world.

On Thursday it’s the 2007 Perth Sexpo – and when I think “hot sex”, I always think “Perth”.

On Thursday it’s the 2007 Perth Sexpo. And on Rottnest Island, there’s live felching.

On Friday it’s National Babies’ Day! Although, they’re so little. Do they really need a whole day?

On Friday it’s the Taste Of Chaos festival! Apparently, Chaos tastes like strawberry!

On Friday it’s the Newcastle Music Awards – winner gets a new castle.

On Friday it’s the Surf Lifesaving Centenary dinner. Just make sure you eat between the flags.

On Friday it’s the 20th anniversary of “Black Monday” stock market crash. In tribute, all hanging stockbrokers will fly at half-mast.

On Friday it’s the 20th anniversary of “Black Monday” stock market crash. To celebrate they’re going to have a cake with tiny stockbrokers leaping off it.

The World Cup Rugby final in France next Saturday will be completely ignored if you’re a true-blue Aussie.

Mike Tyson becomes official mascot for “Lights Out San Francisco”. Turn your lights out or Mike’ll come over and punch them out.

Mike Tyson becomes official mascot for “Lights Out San Francisco”. He convinces people to turn off their lights by biting their ears off.

Delta Goodrem’s new album will feature a number of tracks wondering why she had so many songs about Mark Phillipousis on her last album.

Delta Goodrem releases new album, but don’t worry – a vaccine is available.

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