The Sideshow Ep 20: monologue material

Tonight, a man who can lift elephants, a woman who can swallow trams, and basically anything else you want if it’s going to help someone get elected.

Kevin Rudd launched his campaign under the slogan “New Leadership”, as “Same Old Leadership” was already taken…

Kevin Rudd launched his campaign under the slogan “New Leadership”, because he thought it was uncouth to use the simpler, more direct “Fuck Howard Off”.

Rudd is campaigning under the slogan “New Leadership”, which just won over “I’m Not Howard”.

Rudd alleges the Coalition has grown stale and lost touch, while he is still fresh – and just loves to touch.

Rudd says Howard has lost touch. But he still insists he never touched.

Rudd promises “fresh ideas” – in fact, getting fresh is his specialty. Just ask the poledancers.

Rudd promises “fresh ideas” – yeah, well, now he just sounds like an ad for a supermarket.

Rudd’s promising “fresh ideas”, although with a six week campaign, he’d better keep them in the fridge.

Rudd is promising fresh ideas, and saying he’s had enormous experience as a senior public servant. That’d be one of those “ideas public servants” you hear so much about.

Rudd puts himself forward as someone who’s worked extensively as a senior public servant, diplomat & experienced politician – when all he really needs to say is “I didn’t send anyone to Iraq”.

Rudd is standing on a policy platform of No Work Choices, no nuclear power, no War in Iraq and no negative campaigning.

Rudd promises to ratify Kyoto, abolish Work Choices, ban nuclear power, implement the education revolution, build a world class broadband network, establish an exit strategy for Iraq – and most importantly, never ever do the Howard powerwalk. / wear the Howard tracksuit.

Rudd’s bracing himself for a major fear campaign, branding Howard a “really clever politician”. But a really lousy shag.

Rudd claims Howard is one of the most cunning and clever leaders we’ve ever had, and it’s time Australia got the dumbarse leader it deserved.

Rudd is promising to deliver an exit strategy from Iraq. Which is nice, though what we really could have done with was some form of entry strategy.

Rudd is promising to deliver an exit strategy from Iraq. And really, at this stage, any strategy will do.

Rudd promises an “education revolution”, which will hopefully mean Julie Bishop’s head on a pike.

Rudd promises an “education revolution” – so bring on the guillotines!

Rudd promises an “education revolution”. And who needs detention when you’ve got a guillotine.

Rudd promises to not only abolish Work Choices, but to stop calling unionists “thugs”.

On the other hand, John Howard is offering the “Right Leadership” – the far Right Leadership.

Howard’s campaigning under the slogan “The Right Leadership” – because “The Right Leadership For The First Year Or So Before Handing It Over To Peter Costello” was hard to fit on a bumper sticker.

Howard says Labor doesn’t have the team to manage Australia, and certainly doesn’t have the eyebrows.

Howard pledges to create full employment by forcing the jobless rate below 4%, even if he has to kill every unemployed person himself.

Howard pledges to create full employment by forcing the jobless rate below 4% – although if he doesn’t win, he’ll be making that figure slightly higher by being unemployed himself.

Howard has promised that if re-elected, he’ll force the unemployment rate below 4%. As well as part-time and casual workers, anyone correctly completing a dole diary will now be counted as employed.

As well as part-time and casual work, from now on, watching daytime TV and suckin’ down bongs will also count as “employed”.

Howard will be able to push the unemployment rate below 4%, simply by redefining employment again.

Howard has promised that if re-elected, he’ll force the unemployment rate below 4%. But then he did promise to keep interest rates at record lows, and we all know how that turned out.

Howard’s going to reduce unemployment further by launching Work Choices 2, in which he will reintroduce child slavery.

Howard says Labor will increase unemployment & is anti-business – which is probably slightly better than increasing troop deployment and being anti-life.

Howard still claims he can control interest rates – with his mind.

Howard says that he’s best placed to point Australia into the future – by keeping us stuck firmly in the past.

Howard says he has the experience to point Australia into the future –that’s why it feels like we’re living in the 1950s.

Howard warns of wall-to-wall Labor governments, which could cause dangerous levels of harmony and co-operation.

Howard has promised to stand aside for Peter Costello well into his next term. Although he is proposing legislation to extend the parliamentary term to 60 years.

Howard suggested that “love me or loathe me, you know where I stand”. That’s right, he’s trying to appeal to the previously untapped “loathe me” demographic.

Howard says “Love me or loathe me”, he has the experience to point Australia into the future – although, if we loathe him at election time, he won’t be pointing anywhere but the local Centrelink office.

Howard acknowledges he will stand aside for Costello well into the term – otherwise the knife’ll get him right between the shoulder blades.

Howard warns that if Labor holds power there’ll be a lack of national balance – he says the whole country will flip over.

Howard says he’ll release policies on national security, climate change, water, child care & work incentives during the campaign – he didn’t know you were meant to deal with these things while you were still in office. / he didn’t quite get around to looking at them in his 11 years in power.

Howard is looking forward to meeting Australians, which he says is a “source of nourishment” he wants to continue. Otherwise he loses his powers and has to return to his reptilian form.

Howard looks forward to meeting Australians, which is a “source of nourishment” for him. He’s particularly nourished by refugees; he just loves foreign food…

ANNOUNCEMENTS

A message for the Liberal Party – 2004 called, and it wants its ad campaign back.

Jeanette Howard’s got her hair done and bought a new frock, giggling like a schoolgirl – hubbie hasn’t had an election in years.

Kevin Rudd’s feeling like a teenager again – he hasn’t had an election this big since he got his own private lapdance.

A message here from John Howard to the Aboriginal community: now he’s finally admitted that symbolic reconciliation is important, would they mind saying sorry?

An announcement from John Howard to the aboriginal people of Australia. He says he’s SORRY – that they won’t be getting an apology from him.

An announcement from John Howard: he says that he sincerely respects and values the aboriginal people of Australia, and that actually some of his best friends are boongs.

Prince Charles is teaching Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, how to shoot; you just aim for the whites of their lens…

Prince Charles is teaching Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, how to shoot; that way she can actually become one of the paparazzi.

Prince Charles is teaching Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, how to shoot – the Queen.

Prince Charles is teaching Kate Middleton how to shoot, and claims that any accidental misfiring in which he shoots them all dead, before taking out the damn Queen and RULING THE LAND MOOOOHAHAHAHAAAAAA is purely accidental.

A Vatican official has been suspended after making advances to a young man in a chat room. He says he’s “just pretending” to be gay to gather information for his work as a psychoanalyst. He’s really a pedophile.

A Vatican official has been suspended after making advances to a young man in a chat room. He says he’s “just pretending” to be gay to gather information for his work as a psychoanalyst – and he only pushes his erect penis into other men’s lubricated anuses for his doctorate.

A Vatican official has been suspended after making homosexual advances to a young man in a chat room. Vatican officials are only allowed to be gay with the Pope.

Greg Norman is pleased to announce that he’s going to marry Chris Evert. He needs someone new to cancel credit cards and sue the pants off.

Eric Bana has allegedly beaten Russell Crowe to the role of the villain in the new “Star Trek” movie – and in return, Russell Crowe has beaten Eric Bana with a thick wooden club.

Eric Bana has allegedly beaten Russell Crowe to the role of the villain in the new “Star Trek” movie – “Star Trek 11: The Unconvincing Accent”.

Eric Bana has allegedly beaten Russell Crowe to the role of the villain in the new “Star Trek” movie. Apparently the bad guys in Star Trek 11 are all from some weird interdimensional netherworld called “Down Under”.

Eric Bana has allegedly beaten Russell Crowe to the role of the villain in the new “Star Trek” movie; the Producers wanted someone from the evil planet Oz-Tray-Lya.

Aeroplane Jelly is celebrating its 80th birthday. Surely it’s set by now.

Aeroplane Jelly is celebrating its 80th birthday. In fact it’s now so old that it’s all it can eat.

Celebrating its 80th birthday this week is Aeroplane Jelly! Oh, my mistake, that’s what people celebrating their 80th birthday are still able to eat.

Channel 9 has won the rights to the 2010 Winter Olympics and the 2012 Olympics, which it will broadcast three hours late, out of sequence, and with ad breaks over the finish of every race.

Jerry Hall is going to reveal all about Mick Jagger in a tell-all book. Apparently his lips are due to a mixup in a collagen factory.

NEXT WEEK

With the Coalition running under the slogan “The Right Leadership”, and Labor running under “New Leadership”, the Greens will announce their slogan “Leadership: It Could Happen Maybe”, and the Democrats will launch their slogan “Hello! We’re Still Here!”.

On Sunday it’s the 1st debate between Howard and Rudd in Great Hall at Parliament House! It’ll be over whether red or white should be served with caviar.

Tomorrow will see a debate between Howard and Rudd, but with no worm. Unless you count the PM.

The Gold Coast will host the Indy 300 motor race wrap party. Bound to be sober and civilised.

The Gold Coast will host the Indy 300 motor race wrap party. My advice to guests is to bring a glass – hopefully you can catch some of the champagne being randomly sprayed around.

Tomorrow’s Teddy Bears Picnic will have to be cancelled when it’s discovered that none of the invitees are able to move.

Tomorrow’s Teddy Bears Picnic will have to be cancelled when it’s over-run by toy plastic ants.

Tomorrow’s Teddy Bears Picnic will have to be cancelled when it’s crashed by a gang of violent Cabbage Patch Kids.

On Monday in the Great Hall of Parliament House, the Catch The Fire ministries are holding a service of thanksgiving to God for rain over the past few months. They’ll also be praying for the federal election.

In the Great Hall of Parliament House, the Catch The Fire ministries are holding a service of thanksgiving to God for rain over the past few months. They’ll be thanking God that there wasn’t too much rain, which might have stopped things catching fire.

In the Great Hall of Parliament House, the Catch The Fire ministries are holding a service of thanksgiving to God for rain over the past few months. I’m praying that Parliament House catches the fire…

While they’re there, they’ll also be praying for the federal election – praying that whoever the next leader is, they’ll listen to crackpot religious cults.

O.J. Simpson in court on armed robbery charges – but this time, he’s going to be white.

On Monday O.J. Simpson will appear in court on armed robbery charges. He says he didn’t do it – but if he did do it, he would’ve pretended he was just retrieving stolen O.J. memorabilia.

On Monday the “Generation Y: Is The Future Safe?” lecture will be held in Brisbane. Apparently the answer’s “no”.

A Brisbane lecture on whether the future is safe in the hands of Generation Y will be overrun by cantankerous old farts.

The Rock’s trip to Australia will be cancelled when he’s sued for copyright infringement by Uluru.

The Rock arrives in Australia on Monday: it’s him versus Uluru in a death match! Woo!

NASA launches shuttle Discovery on a mission to the International Space Station. If anyone wants to go, NASA’s looking for people with low gravity experience and a death wish.

Sydney’s Anti-Corruption conference is looking for some new sponsors…

Tuesday’s Anti-Corruption conference in Sydeney will get off to a bad start when the bouncers let in their mates for free…

On Tuesday, auditions will begin for the new series of “Gladiators” in Perth. They don’t have a casting couch, but they do have a casting lion.

On Tuesday, auditions will begin for the new series of “Gladiators” in Perth. People who don’t get selected can always try out for the new series of “Gladiolas”.

On Wednesday, 2007 AFI nominations will be announced. Apparently we’re getting nominated for “Best Circus-related Variety Show”, “Show With The Smallest Budget”, and “Show Most Likely To Be Missed By Its Target Audience Who Are All Out On A Saturday Night Can’t We Have A Better Timeslot”.

The 10th anniversary of the link between humans & mad cow disease will be celebrated with a dodgy steak.

On Wednesday, the 10th anniversary of the link between humans and mad cow disease will be celebrated by spongiforms everywhere.

A lock of Che Guevara’s hair is up for auction in Texas. However, his moustache is being kept for private bids only.

A lock of Che Guevara’s hair is up for auction in Texas – for a few more million bucks, you get the whole head.

On Thursday, it’s the Canberra International Film Festival. The best films about Lake Burley Griffin from all around the world.

On Thursday, ANZ will announce its full year results at their annual meeting of vampires, leeches and monsters without a soul.

On Thursday, “Trees For Children” begins in Sydney. It’s one of the only “swap-your-child-for-a-sapling” programs in the world. / It’s the only “child-for-foliage” trade-in program in Australia.

National Bandanna Day, which is a much easier way of supporting kids with cancer than eating their tumours.

National Bandanna Day, which is a much easier way of supporting kids with cancer than curing their disease.

On Friday it’s the Victorian Indigenous Arts Awards, which, in a terrible bungle, will go to Alan Jones.

On Friday Keith Urban turns 40, and Nicole Kidman cracks open the Ribena to celebrate.

And Hillary Clinton will turn 60. Bill is buying her a box of cigars…

Next week is the Opera Australia gala fundraiser. They desperately need money, otherwise it’ll be over way before the fat lady sings.

Next Saturday is the famous “Ram ‘n’ Ewe” rural ball in Adelaide. I love “Ram ‘n’ Ewe” – as Dubya said to John Howard.

The Eagles will release their new album – seems that they could check out any time they liked, but could never leave…

The Eagles will release their new album – seems that they just couldn’t kill the beast…

The Eagles will release their first album in 28 years; it took them that long to escape from the Hotel California.

The Eagles will release their new album – it’s called “Nursing Home California”.

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