The Sideshow Ep. 24: monologue material

Apologies for the late update, everyone at Chez Holt is feeling a bit under the gastro. Urky. Anyway in case you missed last week’s late late late show, we wrote a number of captions for election campaign photos a bit like the old Glass House Rogues Gallery. Means this week’s blog will be a bit more visually interesting than usual.

John Howard and shattered glass
– Howard works on his googly….
– Howard: great at spin – not so good at spin bowling.
– Peter Costello misses again.
– Proof we need better assassins.
– PM tries to shore up the seldom-targeted “broken glass” vote.
– Photographers try to pierce Howard’s protective shell.

Peter Costello and a young boy
– Costello rethinks the baby bonus…
– “I don’t care what you think – you can’t vote yet.”
– Costello finally names his successor as Treasurer.
– A Costello-led front bench will be very experienced.
– The trouble with Labor is lack of experience. See?
– Costello faces a challenge as Howard’s successor.
– Wayne Swan sent his son to the debate.
– The next Liberal Prime Minister. And Peter Costello.

Bob Hawke in casual mode
– He da man.
– Hawkie appeals to the swingin’ voter…
– Australia’s hottest ex-prime minister…
– Looks like Hawkie’s fallen off the wagon…
– “Hey ladies – did you know I used to be Prime Minister?”
– “Hey ladies – wanna see my lower house?”
– Fonzie’s best days might be behind him.
– “I’m not a womaniser any more, darlin’.”
– Kel Day-Knight on the campaign trail.
– An inflatable Bob Hawke doll did the rounds. Surely.

Kevin Rudd stethoscopes a dummy
– Rudd discovers he’s not the only one with a dodgy heart…
– Rudd searches for a future donor…
– “Stat!”
– Rudd examines the cold, stiff corpse of the Howard leadership…
– Look Kevin, you might be leading in the polls, but you’re not going to be able to reanimate this guy, OK?
– Even the miracle hands of Dr Rudd could do nothing.
– Tony Abbott’s day went from bad to worse.

Peter Garrett debates a sleepy Malcolm Turnbull
– Malcolm can even sleep while his bed is burning.
– A riveting and lively debate.
– “I didn’t think much of his music either.”
– Turnbull emits a long slow greenhouse gas.
– Greenhouse gases – silent but deadly.
– Garrett’s new single was a sleeper.
– Garrett should never have started doing ballads.
– Proof that the Coalition aren’t asleep on climate change;
– The Power and the Passive.
– How can we sleep while Garrett’s talking?
– But he wakes up once Garrett does his dance.

Julia Gillard and a giant blue glove
– Politics is a dirty business – wear protection.
– “Well, it worked for Michael Jackson.”
– “My opponent is an anti-gay nutbag who thinks religion should be taught in science class – you want me to shake hands with him without this on?”
– Julia proves that she’s handy in the kitchen with her giant oven mitt.
– “It’s bloody hard to do the Satan horns in this glove.”
– Liberals launch scare campaign – “Gillard is communist cyborg!”

Alexander Downer plays netball
– “Wee! Look at me, I’m a pretty netballer!”
– Alexander Downer tries to masculinise his image.
– Alexander Downer tries to up his machismo.
– To some, the only thing sexier than playing netball is wearing fishnets – and he’s done that too.
– It’s the only way he can get so close to fit, sweaty, young women.
– Downer plays with his balls.
– Downer appeals to the younger female voter by looking like a complete dick.
– I can’t believe they moved our timeslot – we’ve got netball too!

Phillip Ruddock and some Muslims
– Someone’s gunna get their lips sewn together…
– Ruddock wishes he’s sewn his lips together…
– Suddenly, he loves Muslims. / human rights. / refugees.
– Spot the terrorist!
– Phillip’s family reunion held some surprises…
– The living dead confronts several of his victims.

Maxine McKew eyes John Howard
– Maxine training up on her head-exploding mind-powers.
– Once again, McKew wishes she had head-exploding mind-powers.
– If looks could kill…
– Maxine wants the PM’s seat… and his electorate.
– “If I’m quick, I can get his glasses too!”

Nicola Roxon & Tony Abbott
– “Go on Tony, speak dirty to me.”
– Tony learnt his handshake technique from Mark Latham.
– “Nicola… I love you.”

Mal Brough and a croc
– Greg McLean’s new film: “Brogue”.
– The indigenous intervention requires some tough policing.
– It’s a terrifying creature with a bite that can kill – and it’s holding a crocodile.

Mark Vaile skateboards
– Yo, politics is the shizzl.
– Word up, it’s V to tha Aile, biatch.
– Vaile proves to the kidz that he’s a total knob.
– You might wanna lose the tie.
– At least Mark Vaile learnt something from the US Free Trade Agreement negotiations.

Pauline Hanson at the Optometrists
– “They’re axing The Sideshow? Please explain?”
– AAARGH!
– She’s ba-ackkk…
– Hey, that Optometrist sign is out of focus. Ironic.
– “With a head like this, I don’t need any policies.”
– She doesn’t have any policies – she just scares people into voting for her.
– Pauline had to double check that her second eye wasn’t working.

And now, back to our regular monologue…

A pair of 8 year-old twins in the U.S. have invented wedgie-proof underpants. Jared and Justin Serovich were torturing each other with wedgies when their mother caught them and suggested they invent wedgie-proof undies, so they created the “Rip Away 1000.” They replaced the bottom and side seams with Velcro, so when a wedgie is attempted, the undies just rip away. Coz that’s not embarrassing for the kid at all.

The “Rip Away 1000” works by falling apart when a wedgie is attempted, making a wedgie virtually impossible. Although it’s much easier to accomplish a full dakking. / It turns a wedgie into a dakking!

Their initial plan was lining the top of the undies with broken glass and razor wire to cut the bully’s fingers, but they turned out to be hell to iron. / but they totally fucked up the washing machine. / but they were impossible to hang up to dry.

Of course, if the bully’s intention was to wreck your undies, it’s just playing straight into their hands.

To deter the bullies even more, the deluxe model comes with built-in skidmarks.

Next the twins plan to develop cripple-proof nipples, flush-proof heads, and a “barley” that really works. / and pants that are impossible to dak.

Now bullies are completely unable to wedgie you, look forward to a thorough beating instead.

Of course, anyone who actually buys a pair of these is just BEGGING for a wedgie.

The Rip Away 1000 was originally going to be the name of undies that were impervious to skid marks: “Just rip away!”

Disneyland has been forced to deny that the “It’s A Small World” boat ride is being closed for renovations because
fat Americans are causing the boats to run aground. They’re renaming the boat ride “It’s a Fat Fat World”. / They have renamed the ride “It’s An Obese World”.

Since 1964 when the ride opened, the average Yank has become 11 kilos heavier and now the boats are scraping the bottom and stopping midstream. They’re now removing the boats entirely, and encouraging visitors to just waddle through the water. They’re also renaming the attraction “Hippos with Clothes On”.

“It’s a world of pies and a world of chips
It’s a world where men are the size of ships
There’s so much we consume, that the ride has no room
For our barge-arse after all.”

They’ve actually closed it to double the width of all the miniatures.

When you weigh 200 kilos, it really is a small world.

Fat Americans are causing the boats to run aground. Up until now, they’ve just treated them as extra islands… “And coming up on our left – Fatsoland!”

Not only have they had to strengthen the boats, but they’ve had to deepen the river, widen the tunnels, and replace the “you must be this high to enter” signs with “get off, you fat fucks”. / if you are any wider than this, you will die.”

They’re thinking of getting rid of the boats altogether, and just letting the fatties float along with their own lard….

In London, a surge in naked sleepwalking has forced a hotel
to train staff to deal with it. Now, all staff members are equipped with spare pyjamas, towels, and the mailing address for Funniest Home Videos.

The hotel says sleepwalking has increased 7-fold in the past year. But, on the other hand, the numbers of streakers are way down.

Sleepwalking has increased SEVENFOLD in the last year! Ever since the coffee machine went on the blink.

Sleepwalking has increased SEVENFOLD in the last year – 95% of them scantily-clad men. Ever since they hired that buxom blonde model for night reception…

The hotel says sleepwalking has increased 7-fold in the past year. And their figures on awake-walking have skyrocketed.

95% of the hotel’s sleepwalkers are scantily clad men, and the other 5% are Paris Hilton.

95% of the hotel’s sleepwalkers are scantily clad men, and 93% of these are Pete Doherty. / Boy George. / George Michael.

One tip in their “Sleepwalkers Guide” tells staff to keep towels handy at the front desk. They’re useful when the sleepwalkers mistake the foyer for the urinal. / They’re perfect for rolling up and flicking their arses with.

The hotel is training staff to deal with it, suggesting they keep towels handy at the front desk and try to direct them to the souvenir shop. / pokie machines.

The main rule is “never wake a sleepwalker”. If you do, it’s much harder to paint their genitals blue and cover them with chicken feathers. / it’s much harder to apply the shaving cream. / there’s a risk they’ll want you to stop filming.

The scantily-clad sleepwalkers have become a real hassle for the hotel. They never bring their wallet.

The cops hate it when their called to one of these sleepwalking incidents – they’re impossible to strip-search.

Naked sleepwalkers often ask receptionists questions like, “Where’s the bathroom?”, “Do you have a newspaper?” and “Can I check out, I’m late for work?” Others include “Can you please turn up the heating?”, “Have you seen my clothes?”, and “Does my bum look big in this?”

Others include “Paris has locked me out again”, “Hi, I’m Gary Glitter” and “No, really, I’m actually totally asleep.”

The staff should just let them check out and get to work – I know I do some of my best work asleep.

See, if you claim that the people trying to check out are sleepwalking, you can keep them there FOREVER.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Prince Harry has been dumped by his girlfriend Chelsea Davy after he missed her 22nd birthday party to watch England lose the rugby World Cup final. Davy is sick of Harry’s boozy antics, lack of commitment – and he’s always hogging the bucket bong.

Prince Harry has been dumped by his girlfriend Chelsea Davy after he missed her 22nd birthday party to watch England lose the rugby World Cup final. Davy is allegedly sick of Harry’s boozy antics & lack of commitment. She would’ve been hopeless with Henry VIII.

Prince Harry has been dumped by his girlfriend Chelsea Davy after he missed her 22nd birthday party to watch England lose the rugby World Cup final. Davy is allegedly sick of Harry’s boozy antics and lack of commitment, while Harry’s sick of Chelsea’s lack of dope. / lack of blowjobs.

Mark Latham is back, writing newspaper articles and whingeing about everyone. He says this is a “Seinfeld election”, a poll about nothing. He doesn’t seem to realise he’s Newman… / he’s the Vote Nazi.

Mark Latham is back, writing newspaper articles & whingeing about everyone. He says this is a “Seinfeld election”, a poll about nothing. Unlike the 2004 election, which was more like “Bingles”. / “Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em.”

Mark Latham says the current election is a “Seinfeld election”, a poll about nothing. It’s not a Seinfeld election, it’s a Gilligan’s Island election – no matter what happens, we’re still all stranded on this fucking island. / no matter what happens, it’ll all be back the way it was by the next episode…

Russell Crowe is about to be baptised in the wedding chapel on his property in northern NSW. A Russell Crowe baptism is different to a regular baptism – instead of being splashed on the head with water, you get smashed on the head with a telephone.

An announcement from Russell Crowe – now that he’s baptising himself, he wants to be known as Russell Christ, and if you don’t like it he’s gunna bash your fucking heads in.

Russell Crowe was going to be on the show tonight, but decided it wasn’t a good Christian show to appear on. Instead, he’s reliving his days in Romper Stomper and Gladiator…

An announcement from Russell Crowe – now that he’s baptising himself, he wants his band to be known as “30 Odd Foot of Christ.”

Russell Crowe is about to be baptised in the wedding chapel on his property in northern NSW. Russ said: “I do believe there are more important things than what is in the mind of man. There is something much bigger that drives us all. I’m willing to take that leap of faith.” So there you go, not all the loony ones become Scientologists. / are in Hillsong.

An announcement from Ben Cousins – he just wants to explain that, yes, he did have a 5 day drug binge on his way to rehab, but if you’re gunna go to rehab, you’ve gotta do it properly. / ya gotta make sure it’s worthwhile. / but rehab’s so much more fun when you’re off ya tits. / but it’s so much easier to stomach rehab when you’re high.

Ben Cousins, who made a quick detour on his way to rehab in L.A. for a 5 day drug binge, has announced that he was just wanting to make the best of it.

Ben Cousins was going to be on the show tonight, but he ended up going on a week-long cocaine binge. And, judging by our ratings, he chose wisely. / so did the rest of Australia. / And, judging by our timeslot this week, so did the board of the ABC.

Heath Ledger and Colin Farrell are among a long list of stars being mentioned to play the lead in the up-coming Michael Hutchence biopic. Neither are really perfect for the role, however, as they’re both alive.

A tough audition process has begun for the role of Michale Hutchence. After proving they can sing and dance and look hot with their shirt unbuttoned, the hopefuls then have to prove they can hang themselves while jacking off. And if they survive, they’re out.

Heath Ledger & Colin Farrell are among a long list of stars being mentioned to play the lead in the up-coming Michael Hutchence biopic. The final decision is still hanging.

Lucy the sheep, a woman in a sheep costume protesting against live animal exports, was grabbed by anti-terrorism police
and arrested when she tried to confront John Howard on the weekend. 3 plain clothes cops leapt on Lucy, ripped off her head, pulled her arm back and marched her away. Police said she was a terror threat, as she wasn’t holding a chainsaw like the Chaser guys. / as she might have given the PM ringworm. / as the PM is terrified of livestock. / as she might have been flyblown and given the PM maggots.

Lucy the sheep, a woman in a sheep costume protesting against live animal exports, was grabbed by anti-terrorism police
& arrested when she tried to confront John Howard on the weekend. 3 plain clothes cops leapt on Lucy, ripped off her head, pulled her arm back & marched her away. She was later exported, live. / She was later prosecuted and served up with mint sauce.

Kevin Rudd has announced that Howard protestor Lucy the sheep will not only be released under a Labor government, but will be Minister for Agriculture.

John Howard has announced $500,000 to save Indonesian orangutans – but Lucy the sheep will be hanged.

The ABC would like to announce the schedule for the remainder of The Sideshow: next week there’ll be no Sideshow due to the election, and our final show on December 1 will be at 3am and only screened in Wodonga.

NEXT FORTNIGHT

Tommorrow’s “Acceptance Day”, with a walk representing the acceptance of differences between people. To show my support for difference, I’ll be doing the walk on a different day…

Tomorrow’s Acceptance Day walk will see people of all creeds, cultures and backgrounds march together to “burn the bigots”.

Although tomorrow’s Acceptance Day walk is mainly about children with disfiguring illnesses, you’re allowed to walk even if you’re just naturally repulsive.

1st wedding anniversary of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – to celebrate, he’s taking her to Betelgeuse.

1st wedding anniversary of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – it’s nearly time for them to shed their human skins and take over!

1st wedding anniversary of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – a few more years and they’ll have clocked the Scientology Game and be on the High Score Board forever!

Jerry Seinfeld will be here for the Australian premiere of “Bee Movie” – just in time for the election that Mark Latham thinks he’ll win.

On Monday the Business Leaders’ Forum dinner plays host to Bob Geldof. They’d better be careful – I heard he doesn’t like Mondays…

On Monday, Ben Cousins faces an AFL charge of bringing the game into disrepute – because you don’t want someone tarnishing the image of a bunch of meatheads kicking a ball around.

Ben Cousins faces most serious AFL charge of bringing the game into disrepute. I mean, this is the AFL we’re talking about here – you’ve got to stoop pretty low to bring them into disrepute.

On Tuesday, it’s the 60th wedding anniversary of Queen & Phil. They’ve been together so long that this year they get a special letter from the Queen.

60th wedding anniversary of Queen and Prince Phillip – and he’s finally decided that it’s not worth it for just the sex.

On Wednesday, it’s 130 years since the first recorded sound. It was this: (scratchy old fart noise). And things haven’t changed.

130 years since first recorded sound: someone saying “is this thing on?”

1 year on from quitting swimming, Ian Thorpe is discovered to have become a blubbery blob.

In South Korea, the World Toilet Association launch; there’s no association that’s crapper. / – finally, they can stop holding it in.

Howard & Rudd will both appear at the National Press Club, in a fight to the death! / in the scragfight to end all scragfights! / in a much anticipated wet-t-shirt competition! Woo!

Thursday is Thanksgiving Day in the USA, coinciding with Give A Fuck Day here.

International Documentary Festival of Amsterdam – funny how all the doco’s are about Tim Tams… / walking to the Sev at 4 in the morning for doughnuts…

The International Documentary Festival of Amsterdam will go unrecorded…

Thursday marks the 10th anniversary of Michael Hutchence’s death. He’ll be commemorated by INXS getting together and hanging J D Fortune.

Friday’s International Buy Nothing Day will be endorsed by both political parties as putting downward pressure on interest rates.

On Friday it’s International Buy Nothing Day. Don’t forget to steal the commemorative t-shirt and wristbands!

Next Saturday of course is the event all Australia’s been waiting so long for: the simultaneous release of albums by Kylie and Barnsey!

Apparently there’s some sort of Australian Idol thing on, where the Australian public can vote for a new lead singer in some band called Government… sounds lame to me.

The Burlesque Ball in Brisbane is on. It’s not just about tits and arses, though – it’s also about vaginas.

The Burlesque Ball in Brisbane is on. Some say that Burlesque is just strippers pretending to be artists, but that’s just not true. They’re not pretending to be artists at all.

Kylie releases her 10th album, “X”. Disappointed pirates everywhere discover that it doesn’t mark the spot at all.

Jimmy Barnes releases new album, and it fails to sell, just like all the others.

The Great Victorian Bike Ride turns out to be not so great after all, and everyone decides to drive.

Albury racecourse will play host to a rock concert called Groovin’ The Moo. Organisers were surprised when it was pointed out that horses don’t actually moo.

The huge gig Groovin’ The Moo is ironically an animal free event.

The Groovin’ the Moo concert will be cancelled when the moo fails to be adequately grooved.

1642: Abel Tasman discovers Van Dieman’s Land, finds out he was named after a shitty old ferry, and kills himself.

1859: “Origin Of The Species” by Charles Darwin published – and new evidence suggests he actually just meant it as a joke. / he never believed it, he just wanted to piss off religious people.

1963: Lee Harvey Oswald shot by Jack Ruby – or was he?

Sunday week means for one happy political party Christmas will have come a month early.

One month ‘til Christmas, so getcher stockings ready – Santa just loves the feel of fishnets.

25 years since “E.T.” released – if he needed to phone home today, he’d probably just email. / VOIP it.

25 years since “E.T.” released – and Speilberg has finally let it slip that the little alien did, in fact, have an extra testicle.

The Led Zep reunion gig has had to be put on hold following Jimmy Page breaking a finger. What a wuss!

The Led Zep reunion gig has had to be put on hold following Jimmy Page breaking a finger – that, and the fact there’s no wheelchair access on the Stairway to Heaven.

On Monday week, Prince Charles visits Turkey – Turkey pecks Prince Charles in groin.

British Fashion Awards – the anorak’s finest day. / the only day in the year in which the knotted handkerchief is given its rightful place.

On Wednesday week, the Head of the Salvation Army addresses the National Press Club, with a speech entitled “Would you like to buy a copy of the Watchtower?”

The Head of the Salvation Army addresses the National Press Club, with a plea to get them out of Iraq, it’s all been a terrible mistake.

To celebrate the 6th anniversary of George Harrison’s death, fans are getting together, smoking too much drugs, and riding on the success of far more talented and creative people than themelves.

Bec & Lleyton Hewitt’s daughter Mia turns 2, or as Lleyton thinks of it, “30” / “15 all”.

Last radio broadcast by John Laws, in which he reveals he’s really Alan Jones.

Filming begins on 22nd Bond film – in this one, James is a 62 year-old secret agent with a supersonic hearing aid, who manages to bed the alluring 58 year old Bunions Galore, kill the evil genius Gold-Dentures, and foil his evil plan to destroy the entire planet’s supply of incontinence pads! Action doesn’t get any more geriatric than this!

On the 25th anniversary of “Thriller”, Michael Jackson releases his even scarier follow-up, “Sleepover”.

25 years since Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” released – and those zombies are back for BLOOD!!!!!

On Bob Irwin’s 4th birthday, Terri will decide he’s old enough to see the footage of him with his dad and the croc. Bob will decide he’s glad his Dad’s dead…

A fortnight from today is the 4th birthday of Bob Irwin, the Crocodile Hunted.

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