The Sideshow: the final monologue

Hello everyone, here we are for the final posting of material from The Sideshow. Thanks for watching and/or reading. At this stage we’re not sure what next year may hold, so this blog will probably return to irregular postings for a while. I’ll be back before the end of the year with some sort of wrap-up and any news I’m in a position to blog.

In the meantime, 2007, oh what a year…

2007 – THE YEAR THAT – PRE-ELECTION EDITION

It was the year that The Sideshow came to town, scared the kiddies, got moved on, scared the oldies, and finally had the big top pulled down on top of it.

It was the year of the seemingly endless election campaign… and I think the next one’s just begun.

It was the year that Liberals were caught spreading fake documents… known in the party as “doing a WMD”. / the “children overboard” technique.

It was the year that John Howard showed that he truly does care for the Aboriginal people of Australia, by sending armed forces into the Northern Territory. See? He loves Aboriginal people nearly as much as he loves Iraqis!

At the same time, he vowed to hold a referendum
on recognising indigenous Australians in the Constitution – but thinks Australian history is “overwhelmingly positive”. Howard’s changing the Constitution to say “thanks to the Abbos for lending us their land”, and “oh, and yeah, bit of a shame about the Borrowed Generations, but all that’s behind us now, eh?”.

John Howard vowed to hold a referendum on recognizing indigenous Australians in the constitution. His conversion was so complete he admitted that he’d actually considered becoming indigenous himself, but he couldn’t stomach the witchetty grubs.

It was the year that a union official described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics”, and realised that Australia had failed the Napisan Challenge.

A union official described John Howard as “a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics”, while Kevin Rudd turned out to be more of a cum-stain. / an earwax-smear. / a wet patch.

A union official described John Howard as a skidmark on the bedsheet of Australian politics, and that now it all needed washing –the doona of democracy, the pillows of freedom, even the rubber undersheet of Federation.

It was the year that Kevin Rudd remembered going into a place where he didn’t remember whether the women were nude, but remembered being very sorry he’d done it.

It was the year that Kevin Rudd admitted going to a strip club and John Howard admitted he’d gone to a drip club/ John Howard admitted wishing he’d gone.

Kevin Rudd admitted he’d gone into a strip club once, and John Howard admitted he’d read about strip clubs once.

It was the year that revealed the shocking sordid truth that Kevin Rudd wasn’t quite the innocent dork we all thought he was – he was actually more like those guys in Revenge of the Nerds.

It was the year that revealed that Kevin Rudd was interested in drinking and perving on chicks. John Howard quickly tried to assert that he was also quite fond of drinking and perving on chicks, but the thought just made everyone vomit. / John Howard quickly tried to assert his own masculinity, but the only person he could get into bed was Peter Costello. (footage of Costello saying “of course, marriage has other attractions”…)

It was the year that footage of Kevin apparently eating his own earwax appeared on YouTube, though Rudd claimed he was just working out his wax cuts. Wax cuts!

It was the year that footage of Kevin apparently eating his own earwax appeared on YouTube, quickly followed by footage of Johnny lighting his own farts, and Alexander Downer giving himself a brazilian.

It was the year that Alexander Downer said he’d never met anyone as vain as Rudd, then described himself a “Sherman Tank” – cumbersome, rusty, and 50 years out of date.

It was the year that Alexander Downer said he’d never met anyone as vain as Rudd, before describing himself a “Sherman Tank” and crushing beer cans with his biceps. / and trundling off to Iraq on his caterpillar tracks.

It was the year that John Howard promised Peter Costello that he’d hand him the Prime Ministership, just as soon as he can lose it.

It was the year that Malcolm Turnbull gave the thumbs-up to a controversial pulp mill in Tasmania, and was supported by eco-warrior Peter Garrett. Garrett seems to have a Short Memory, must have a, Shoooooort Memory. He’s obviously been smokin too many doobs with Daniel Johns.

It was the year that Malcolm Turnbull gave the thumbs-up to a controversial pulp mill in Tasmania, and was supported by eco-warrior Peter Garrett. Or maybe he didn’t actually support it at all, but was just having a short jocular conversation at the time…

It was the year that Malcolm Turnbull and Peter Garrett both proved they had excellent credentials to be Environment Minister by proving they can take it up the arse from the timber industry.

It was the year that Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews came up with a citizenship test that meant all new Aussie citizens will be guns at Trivial Pursuit.

It was the year that Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews came up with a citizenship test designed to find only the truest, bluest, dinkiest-diest migrants – because, if there’s one thing a refugee should be doing while they’re trying to save their families from torture and bloodshed, it’s reading up on the Gold Rush / Burke and Wills / Don Bradman’s batting average.

Andrews also did some fine work with Dr. Mohamed Haneef, revoking his visa and kicking him out of the country – while he lets Dr Cindy Pam stay!

It was the year that Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews deported Dr. Mohamed Haneef for having charges of supporting terrorism against him dropped. Because if there’s one thing Australia doesn’t need, it’s an innocent doctor!

It was the year that Pauline Hanson’s autobiography was nearly not published after she discovered it didn’t actually write itself.

It was the year that Pauline Hanson claimed she had a 2 week affair with David Oldfield after he seduced her in a Canberra motel. David Oldfield quickly stepped in saying that, yes, they did have lots of sex, but that he had been under the impression Pauline was a man.

In her autobiography, Pauline Hanson claimed she had a 2 week affair with David Oldfield after he seduced her in a Canberra motel. Hanson then claimed she was immoral and ought to be deported.

It was the year that the govt. pledged another $700m for farmers & graziers to “leave the land with dignity”. Hell, if they pay me 700 mill, I’ll leave with my daks round my ankles.

It was the year that the goverment pledged another $700m for farmers and graziers to “leave the land with dignity”. They can choose between cyanide pills, a rifle to the head, or carbon monoxide poisoning!

It was the year that the N.S.W. Shooters’ Party put forward the idea of teaching children responsibility by giving them firearms training from the age of 10, ensuring that, by the time they’re old enough to vote, their assassination skills are top-notch.

It was the year that the N.S.W. Shooters’ Party put forward the idea of teaching children responsibility by giving them firearms training from the age of 10, a move designed to grab that untapped tweenie voting demographic.

It was the year that the N.S.W. Shooters’ Party put forward the idea of teaching children responsibility by giving them firearms training from the age of 10, so our school shootings can finally become internationally competitive.

It was the year that one of Australia’s top barristers suggested it should be a criminal offence for politicians to lie – and all the politicians immediately said “yes, that is a great idea, we love it, and will enact it immediately.”

It was the year that one of Australia’s top barristers suggested it should be a criminal offence for politicians to lie, until he realised that an empty Parliament House would make for an even more boring Question Time.

The biggest talking point of the election debate was Channel 9’s worm – but then it did have the best personality on display.

It was the year that the election debate erupted in controversy when Channel 9’s coverage was pulled due to them using “the worm”. And Ray Martin resented the nickname, too.

It was the year that the APEC summit was held in Sydney, where 21 world leaders agreed that none of them would be in power when the world became uninhabitable, so it didn’t really effect them anyway, and boy, these lark’s tongues are scrumptious.

It was the year that the APEC summit was held in Sydney, where 21 world leaders agreed that yes, global warming is real, and climate change is most definitely happening, but that they’ll all be in space by then, so it doesn’t really matter. Cheers!

At the APEC summit in Sydney, 21 world leaders agreed to an ultra-vague resolution that they hoped would save the world from the major curse of climate change: self-righteous greenies.

It was the year that the Chaser’s Chas managed to get through the $170 million APEC security cordon dressed as Osama. Next time the real Osama will give it a go.

The security bill for APEC was $170m, with a water cannon, 1500 troops, Black Hawks, FA-18s, naval ships, and electronic radio disrupters… and The Chaser got past them all dressed as Osama Bin Laden. Yup, $170m well spent…

It was the year that a terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”, and said he wasn’t going to be threatened by a buncha refresher-towel-heads.

It was the year that a terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”, but that he preferred North Korea’s Red Rooster.

It was the year that a terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”, and lemme just say, their Zingers really zing!

It was the year that a terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”, and that one of their 11 secret herbs and spices was actually anthrax.

It was the year that a terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise” – and those turbans make great refresher towels.

A terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”. Ha! We may not have caught him, but at least he’s become capitalist!

A terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”. I think they’re more like Maccas, actually – with the big evil clown as their figurehead.

A terrorism expert said the failure to get bin Laden meant al-Qaeda was spreading “like a KFC franchise”. Well, have you ever seen Osama and the Colonel in the same room together?

It was the year that George Dubya Bush received the 2nd Interim Progress Report On Iraq. Apparently the mission is still accomplished, and we await the 3rd Interim Progress Report to see if it’ll still be accomplished then.

It was the year that George Dubya Bush received the 2nd Interim Progress Report On Iraq, saying that maybe the mission hadn’t been accomplished after all…

It was the year that it was discovered American forces in Iraq couldn’t account for 190,000 weapons, 125,000 pieces of body armour, 115,000 helmets, and the Lost Ark.

It was the year that an investigation found American forces in Iraq couldn’t account for 190,000 weapons, 125,000 pieces of body armour and 115,000 helmets. That crafty Saddam!

American forces in Iraq couldn’t account for 190,000 weapons, 125,000 pieces of body armour, 115,000 helmets and 200,000 barrels of oil PER DAY. Bloody hell, does this mean we have to invade AGAIN?

Plus, over the past 4 years, something like 200,000 barrels of oil A DAY were siphoned off through corruption or smuggling. Saddam again – corrupting from beyond the grave!

Plus, over the past 4 years, something like 200,000 barrels of oil A DAY were siphoned off through corruption or smuggling. Well, those HumVee’s are such gas-guzzlers…

It was the year that Bush & Cheney made threatening noises about attacking Iran – although, granted, they actually think it’s the same place. / actually think they already have.

It was the year that Bush and Cheney made threatening noises about attacking Iran, and Iran laughed and laughed and laughed.

Karl Rove, the man known as “Bush’s Brain”, resigned. Although the rest of Bush still hasn’t noticed.

It was the year that Karl Rove, the man known as “Bush’s Brain”, resigned, leaving Bush with just a tiny little strip of brain-stem. / leaving Bush twitching uncontrollably, covered in flies.

It was the year that Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf declared emergency rule and suspended the constitution, much to the surprise of his people, who didn’t know they had a constitution.

Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf declared emergency rule and suspended the constitution. Apparently the emergency is, they really need a new spin-bowler.

It was the year that Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf declared emergency rule and suspended the constitution, and John Howard wished he’d thought of that.

It was the year that David Hicks was released from Guantanamo and sent to Adelaide, despite his desperate pleas. / – talk about cruel and unusual punishments.

It was the year that David Hicks was released from Guantanamo and sent to Adelaide, and any day now he’ll be free to actually commit some terrorism!

It was the year that a British newspaper voted Australia the 2nd most dangerous nation in the world for British tourists – so we can still do better!

It was the year that a British newspaper voted Australia the 2nd most dangerous nation in the world for British tourists – even without the brutal murderers, the poisonous wildlife, and the inhospitable terrain, there’s the sun. / there’s brainfreeze from beer that’s actually cold.

It was the year that NSW’s record for “Most Corruption In A State Police Force” was broken by Victoria – although there’s evidence that they cheated.

It was the year that senior members of Victoria Police were caught on phone taps leaking information about how their phones may be being tapped. Brightest and best in the Victorian force, I see.

It was the year that marked the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana’s passing, as the final inquest was held into what really happened in Paris. And, as soon as Paris left, they got to work on the Diana case.

We marked the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana’s passing – although, she didn’t so much pass, as disastrously crash.

We marked the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana’s passing, as the final inquest was held into what really happened. The Queen denied that she had anything to do with the death of that slutty low-life, and would happily do it again.

We marked the 10th anniversary of the passing of Princess Diana, as the final inquest was held into what really happened in Paris. Apparently a limo crashed into a tunnel! No!

It was the year that 2 men were charged with blackmail over a video which allegedly showed a member of the Royal Family engaged in oral sex. Oral sex? Heavens! Fetch the apocethary, this can only be fixed by leeches!

It was the year that 2 men were charged with blackmail over a video which allegedly showed a member of the Royal Family engaged in oral sex. So let’s hope it’s not the Queen then.

It was the year that Britain’s Army chief decided Prince Harry wouldn’t go to Iraq because it was too dangerous. They should have thought of that before they sent the 7000 other troops there…

It was the year that Britain’s Army chief decided Prince Harry wouldn’t go to Iraq because it was too dangerous. For the paparazzi.

It was the year that the ABC celebrated its 75th birthday by getting rid of any shows that might offend 75 year olds.

It was the year that the ABC celebrated its 75th birthday – and we’re the birthday pressie! Hooray! But how were we to know that a 75-year-old wouldn’t be into burlesque?

It was the year that Australian TV celebrated its 51st birthday with The Bill and Parkinson – and that dirty dirty show in between.

It was the year that Australian TV celebrated its 51st birthday with a mug of cocoa and a night in front of the humans.

It was the year that the Hillsong Church was accused of rigging “Australian Idol”. They want the Satanists to win so they have something to complain about.

It was the year that the Hillsong Church was accused of rigging “Australian Idol”. The first clue came when all the contestants were found playing harps together… / The first clue came when, instead of drinking beer and smoking blunts, the contestants were all out the back sipping red wine and eating wafers. / eating the body of Christ.

It was the year that Eddie McGuire boned himself as boss of Channel 9 – and let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a grown man bone himself!

It was the year that Eddie McGuire was sacked as boss of Channel 9 – apparently the vote was 1 vs 100.

It was the year that James Packer sold most of Channel 9 and moved heavily into gambling. Apparently A Current Affair just wasn’t morally bankrupt enough for him.

It was the year that Britney went to rehab, ran over some feet, lost custody of her kids, and did a comeback performance at the MTV Awards described as “a train wreck”. But otherwise had a good year. / And those were her GOOD days.

In-no-way venal loony Heather Mills kept doing media interviews pleading with the media to leave her alone, and if they don’t, she’ll beat them up with her spare leg.

It was the year that Lindsay Lohan turned 21, meaning she could finally legally drink. So she figured she might as well check into rehab.

Lindsay Lohan turned 21, went to rehab and came out about 10 minutes later, then went to jail and came out about 5 minutes later. When she dies, I’ll be surprised if she isn’t up and drinking again in under a week.

It was the year that Paris Hilton went to jail for half an hour, and Governor Arnold received 2 petitions: “Free Paris” and “Jail Paris”. It’s a shame, but my “Draw and Quarter Paris” one never got there in time. / Of course, the who-cares petition “Fuck Paris” was taken totally the wrong way.

When Paris Hilton went to jail, Governor Arnold received 2 petitions: “Free Paris” & “Jail Paris”. He was so confused he started his own petition: “Terminate Paris”.

It was the year that, at the age of 43, Russell Crowe was baptised in his own chapel. He also played the role of God.

It was also the year that Russell Crowe was baptised in his own chapel at the age of 43. We all know it – he just wants to be Mel Gibson.

It was also the year that Russell Crowe was baptised in his own chapel at the age of 43. You can be baptised in beer, right?

It was the year that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban celebrated their first wedding anniversary. My money’s on Katie and Keith to go the distance.

It was also the year that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, celebrated their first wedding anniversary. Or, as they’re referred to in Hollywood, “TomKat and UrbMan”.

It was also the year that Nicole denied she’d ever had cosmetic surgery, insisting that she’d always had those extra eyes.

She also starred with Hugh Jackman in Baz Luhrmann’s new film extravaganza, “Australia”, where she plays the Opera House.

It was the year that Mel Gibson started building his own church in Malibu, “The Church of the Guilty Fucking Jew”.

It was the year that Mel Gibson started building his own church in Malibu, or, as he prefers to call it, “Melibu”.

Mel Gibson started building his own church – it’s not a Christian church, as such – more a “Mel Gibson is the True Son of God” kinda deal.

It was the year that the actress who played Marcia in “The Brady Bunch” claimed she indulged in sexual hijinks with the actress who played Jan – but the real shocks came with her revelations about the dog Tiger. / and, as usual, Alice missed out. / but the real shocks came with her revelations with what Alice got up to with Tiger.

It was the year that George Michael was found slumped in his car in possession of cannabis. In response to accusations that he was a bad role model, he said, “Wow, have you ever thought, right, that we’re just tiny tiny naked monkeys on a tiny tiny planet in the pupil of the eye of God? Man, I’m hungry.”

It was the year that Qantas flight attendant Lisa Robertson got friendly with British actor Ralph Fiennes in a toilet at 35,000 feet, becoming the first member of the Mile Fiennes Club.

It was the year that Qantas flight attendant Lisa Robertson got friendly with British actor Ralph Fiennes in a toilet at 35,000 feet, and was sacked. She also had no luck getting a job at Virgin…

It was the year that director James Cameron made a doco claiming Jesus didn’t die on the cross, but married Mary Magdalene & had a son. Apparently he read it in some obscure book called “The Da Vinci Code”…

It was the year that director James Cameron made a doco claiming Jesus didn’t die on the cross, but married Mary Magdalene and had a son. It’s called “Son of God, Father of Frank.” / It’s called “Hey, Wow, My Initials Are J C too!” / The son, according to archeologic evidence, was called “Eunace.”

It was also the year that scientists discovered that many dinosaurs were teenaged mums, according to the Discovery Channel. They also smoked, drank, and didn’t wear any undies.

It was the year that Radiohead made their new album available as a digital down-load where fans only had to pay what they thought it was worth – Radiohead still owes them thousands of dollars.

It was the year that Radiohead made their new album available as a digital down-load where fans only had to pay what they thought it was worth. Or alternatively pay nothing regardless of what they thought it was worth.

It was the year that J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore was gay, and that Harry Potter was black. / Muslim. / a woman.

It was the year that the Live Earth concerts raised awareness about global warming by causing more of it that any other event this year.

Live Earth proved an apt title when the decaying remains of dinosaurs were seen walking – that’s right, Pink Floyd.

It was the year that, after 50-odd years, John Laws retired from radio, and went back to being a beatnik.

It was the year that John Laws finally retired from radio, after having been a womanising alcoholic corporate whore for over 50 years.

It was the year that Alan Jones threw his hat into the ring to coach the Wallabies again, and they threw it right back, with a note attached saying “not if you were the last nazi queer on earth”.

It was the year that Alan Jones threw his hat into the ring to coach the Wallabies again, in the hope that maybe Australia’s rugby team can deal with this Cronulla problem once and for all.

It was the year that Ben Cousins was done for doing too many drugs – sorry, done for being caught doing too many drugs.

A former AFL champion reckoned footy clubs should use “undercover operatives” to spy on their players, or as he was heard calling out at the footy: “hot spies!”

Equine Influenza caused a massive disruption to the Australian racing industry. Apparently some horses were also inconvenienced.

It was the year that Shane Warne announced for a second time that his marriage was over. By SMS.

It was the year that Shane Warne announced for a second time that his marriage was over. And who gives a shit?

It was the year that Australia won the cricket world cup, and Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer died in “suspicious circumstances” in his hotel room. Coincidence? WHERE WAS WARNIE!!!????

After Pakistan was bundled out of the cricket World Cup, coach Bob Woolmer was found dead in his hotel room. An investigation found that he was strangled to death by natural causes.

It was the year that the tennis world was rocked by claims of match fixing, and claims that their system of awarding 15 points for one actual point is both confusing and stupid.

The tennis world was rocked by claims of match fixing. Apparently some umpires were awarding up to 15 points for every winning shot!

It was the year that the Pope called on the people of Europe to stop being selfish and have more children – his priests were running out of new flesh. / his priests were tiring of their old ones.

The Pope called on the people of Europe to stop being selfish and have more children – as long as they don’t do it by fornicating.

It was the year that an American campaign aimed at getting teenagers to embrace chastity announced plans to expand into Australia – the Silver Ring Thing. And we all know where the Silver Ring goes… / The Silver Ring is rimmed with spikes…

The Silver Ring Thing expanded their operations into Australia, promoting chastity before marriage. In fact they don’t want your thing near anyone’s ring…

An Australian arm was opened of The Silver Ring Thing, who believe in sex for procreation, abstinence before marriage, and marriage before the age of 18 because I’m just so HORNY.

It was the year that family groups were outraged that girls as young as 7 were learning to pole-dance – although, practice makes perfect. / although, imagine the quality of our pole-dancers in 10 years! / but they’re just in training for the “vertical bar” event in the 2012 Olympics.

Family groups were outraged that girls as young as 7 are learning to pole dance. Apart from anything else, those poles can be covered in boy germs.

Family groups were outraged that girls as young as 7 are learning to pole dance, though kids are fine with it. They just wanna be like their heroes the Pole-dancing Bratz and Crackwhore Barbie.

Family groups tried to get the ALP to take a policy to the election about girls as young as 7 pole-dancing, but Kevin Rudd kept forgetting the details.

It was the year that European fashion models were forced to prove they were over 16, provide health certificates, and be weighed like jockeys. Although they don’t have to be dressed like jockeys, which is nice. / They also have to prove they’re actually models, not just real people pretending.

It was the year that American adventurer Steve Fossett disappeared on a routine flight – although, he has now been found. He was down the back of the couch!

It was the year that Anna Nicole Smith went to that big pharmacy in the sky – apparently she was too slutty for Hell.

It was the year that Boris Yeltsin went to that big bottle shop in the sky – although, he was so pissed he still hasn’t actually realised that he’s dead.

It was the year that Marcel Marceau died tragically, blown away by an imaginary wind. / breaking his neck falling down an imaginary flight of steps.

The world’s greatest mime, Marcel Marceau, died. Or, as it was reported in the mime’s weekly: (mime-in-a-glass-box impression, then mimed-death – tongue poking out, slack neck, etc)

Marcel Marceau died, at his funeral he was buried in a magnificent imaginary casket.

Marcel Marceau either died, or is in the middle of an amazing performance.

The Australian public voted against WorkChoices, not ratifying Kyoto, the Iraq War, but mostly against having to hear any more eyebrow gags.

AND ON THE MONDAY POST-ELECTION, IT WAS THE YEAR THAT…

John Howard finally conceded that it was time for him to bow out gracefully – but only after being soundly thrashed first.

John Howard’s long political career was taken to the Max!

It’s the first time I’ve seen an experienced old bully get beaten up by a nerd!

And poor poor Peter Costello! (ohhhhhhh) Makes ya cry. He just had to leave – it was so lonely with no-one to backstab! / with no-one to suck up to!

And Peter Costello decided to try his hand at something else – he’s just trying to find the right occupation for someone with so much expertise at toadying, smirking, and backstabbing. Maybe the Democrats?

Kevin Rudd said he was celebrating his election win with a strong cup of tea and an iced vovo. Which still was a pretty big night, since the ice for the vovos was from Ben Cousins.

So, Kevin Rudd’s PM, eh? And after his winning speech, now we know what he was up to in that pole-dancing club – he was going hell-for-leather on the strong cups of tea and Iced Vovo’s! / he was slamming back the strong cups of tea, and ogling all the girls’ Iced Vovos.

Now Kevin Rudd’s in power, he can tell all those screaming school-girls the truth – he’s not actually in an Emo band after all. / he’s not really Fiddy Cent at all. / he’s not actually Justin Timberlake’s twin.

Now Rudd’s in power, he’s going to free all the illegally-held refugees, and let all the innocent children out of the detention-centres- no, hang on, nope, no, he’s going to keep them all locked up. What a fucking prick. Can’t wait til the NEXT election…

Peter Costello nominated himself to take over from John Howard, but only if that meant he got to be P.M. without having to actually be elected.

Peter Costello pledged to take over the Liberal leadership from John Howard, before saying “Nyah nyah, sucked in!”

Australia replaced John Howard with Howard07!

Australia decided John Howard was no longer nerdy enough to be our PM.

Julia Gillard became Australia’s first female Deputy PM, and Kevin Rudd became our first robot PM. / Asian PM.

Kevin Rudd became our new PM, much to the horror of Pauline Hanson. Not only does he speak Manadarin and is pledging to sign something from Ky-o-to, he even looks a little bit Asian!

Julia Gillard became Australia’s first female Deputy Prime Minister, giving the new Government a feminine touch it needs now that Alexander Downer is in opposition.

Julia Gillard’s watery eyes on gaining the Deputy Prime Ministership made her the wettest federal leader since Bob Hawke.

Maxine McKew became the giant-killer of Australian politics. Although admittedly he was a very small giant.

Peter Garrett added a new dance to his repertoire – the backflip.

The Liberals ran an election campaign about their strong team, then spent the time after the election tearing each other apart.

The Liberals proved what a fantastic team they had by the number of people who want to be its leader.

Tony Abbott nominated himself for the Liberal leadership. (gradually start laughing) Oh… I’m sorry… that’s just too funny!

ANNOUNCEMENTS

An anouncement from John Howard to the indigenous people of Australia – “I’m sorry! Really really sorry!”

The new leader of the Liberal Party is The Lord of Chaos & Disorder.

An announcement from Kirribilli House: does anyone know a good redecorator? And if anyone knows a decent steamcleaner, the carpet’s sodden with tears…

Following the success of the Kevin07 campaign, the Libs are desperately casting around to find a leader whose name rhymes with “10”.

An announcement from Kevin Rudd: he warmly welcomes Julia Gillard as Australia’s first female Deputy Prime Minister, and wishes to inform her that, although she won’t be getting a desk, she will be given a pole.

Now that we’ve finally got a female Deputy PM, can we think about a female vice-captain for the cricket team? Talk about overdue…

According to the Catch the Fire cult, God had said that Costello would end up being PM. They’ve now announced that God was obviously just having a bit of a laugh – proving that, yes, he might be a cantakerous old bastard, but at least he’s got a sense of humour. / but at least he wants to make Hillsong look like a bunch of retards. / but at least he’s on our side.

Catch the Fire leader Danny Nalliah has said that although God had told him that Peter Costello was the future Prime Minister, that He couldn’t be expected to know the future.

Malcolm Turnbull has announced that the Liberals would have done much better if they’d ratified Kyoto, pulled out of Iraq, ripped up WorkChoices, and been the Labor Party. / and got John Howard assassinated.

Indigenous Affairs Minister Mal Brough lost his seat and says he’ll leave politics, finally giving the indigenous community some hope for the future.

After losing his seat, Indigenous Affairs Minister Mal Brough has admitted he isn’t actually indigenous.

Now that Mal Brough has lost his seat, he’ll have to go around and hassle single mothers individually.

Ousted Indigenous Affairs Minister Mal Brough will be following in his brother Rob’s footsteps and hosting Coalition Feud.

Ousted Indigenous Affairs Minister Mal Brough will be following in his brother Rob’s footsteps and hosting Family Feud. This week’s families are the Libs and the Nats!

Maxine McKew was going to be on the show, but she can’t be bothered with TV people any more. Now that she’s had a taste of the good people of Bennelong, she can’t leave them alone!

An announcement: Maxine McKew has won Bennelong! She says her first move will be to grow enormous eyebrows.

Maxine McKew has won Bennelong from Howard, but she promises to continue giving the people the tracksuited powerwalk they have come to expect.

Maxine McKew has said that she hopes the people of Bennelong have realised with her election night performance that she can lick her lips and avoid the question just as well as John Howard.

Will the clunky old Bentley with license-plates “J-Ho 4 Eva” please move – your meter has expired.

Peter Garrett will not be Environment Minister, but will instead become Minister for Totally Selling Out.

Amanda Vanstone will be recalled from her job as Ambassador to Italy, to become the Libs Shadow Minister for Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel.

Amanda Vanstone will be recalled from her job as Ambassador to Italy – MAMMA MIA!

The Liberals are angry about Jackie Kelly’s husband and the bogus race-hate pamphlet he was caught distributing. They are so pissed off – they were sure it was going to work. / They can’t believe he got caught.

Following the fake Muslim leaflet scandal in Lindsay, the Liberal Party has been keen to insist that they are not racists. It’s only their husbands who are.

Following the fake Muslim leaflet scandal in Lindsay, the Liberal Party has had a resurgence in support from fake Muslims.

Pauline Hanson will be spending her electoral payout for getting a 4% vote on her very own razor wire fence.

Pauline Hanson won’t be in the Senate but will receive a tidy sum for getting about 4% of the vote. That’s a lot of fish and chips. / She’s spending it all on dancing lessons – at least they seem to pay off. / She’s going to blow it all on strippers and beer – it worked for Rudd!

An announcement here from the Democrats… (turn over piece of paper, staring at it puzzled, then throw it away).

An announcement here from the Democrats – it just says “hello? we’re still here! helloooooooo?!”

The Greens are thrilled to announce that they’ve taken the place of the Democrats as Australia’s third party, and they’re looking forward to selling out, tearing themselves apart and disappearing without trace.

With the “Bringing Back the Balance” position taken by Rudd Labor, and the “Third Party” position taken by the Greens, the Democrats have had to take the “Woefully Irrelevant” position. / have had to take the “Unbalanced and Unwanted” position. / have desperately appealed to the only demographic left unrepresented, and renamed themselves the “Kill Everything” Party. / “Bring on the Apocalypse” Party. / rename themselves “Animal-hating Necrophiles for Nuclear Waste”.

Becks and Posh have left a parting gift for Australia – our very own British soccer hooligan.

The soccer great Beckham has left the country – but he’ll be Becks.

PREDICTIONS

Kevin Rudd has vowed to live at the Lodge – which will make the morning Kirribilli walk quite a trek.

Kevin Rudd will head to the U.N. Conference on Climate Change, but he’ll find it difficult to get in when they’ve never heard of this “Australia” place.

Kevin Rudd will go to Bali for the U.N. Conference on Climate Change, find out it’s actually just a sham and that we’re headed inevitably for global disaster, and have to sit down with a strong cup of tea and an Iced Vovo.

Kevin Rudd will head to the U.N. Conference on Climate Change, to see if anyone’s agreed on anything tangible yet. / where he’ll be asked who the hell he is, and what he’s doing with all those Iced Vovos.

Kevin Rudd will head to the U.N. Conference on Climate Change, where he’ll argue that global warming has gotten so bad that the ice has come off his Vovos. / that it’s beginning to melt the Vovos.

The U.N. Conference on Climate Change meets in Bali. Every world leader attending gets to take home their own little bit of tsunami.

Juila Gillard has said Kevin Rudd will say sorry to the Aboriginal people, apologising for the early massacres, the stolen generation, and John Howard. / and John Howard’s refusal to apologise.

After making promises to get our troops out of Iraq and apologise to Aboriginal people, Rudd will immediately apologise to our troops, and send the Aboriginal people into Iraq.

Kevin Rudd will start the big withdrawal from Iraq, leaving only the diplomatic guards, trainers, border security and… aw, hell, leave them combat troops in too. Why not.

New Leader Kevin Rudd will start the big withdrawal from Iraq after all, we gotta have troops to invade Iran.

Rudd has vowed to create a razor gang to shave the public service, which has grown an ugly beard.

Rudd has vowed to create a razor gang to cut red tape. That’s government bureaucracy for you – a whole razor gang where a pair of scissors would do.

Rudd has vowed to create a razor gang to cut red tape, which will also be useful for cutting off Howard’s fingers when he refuses to let go of Kirribilli House.

Rudd has vowed to create a razor gang to cut red tape, a wrecking gang to smash the power of big business, and a death squad to kill off all those principles he had when he took office.

Julia Gillard will get her first taste of pure executive power as acting PM while Rudd’s out of the country. She even gets to wear the Prime Ministerial tracksuit. / She even gets to wear the crown.

Julia Gillard will be acting Prime Minister when Rudd is overseas. Which will be often – he can’t stand this shitty little monolinguistic uneducated working-class backwoods of a country.

Janette Howard’s not happy. She’s forcing hubby out to look for full-time work, which, under his own changes, means he only needs to find an hour a week or so.

Now Rudd’s in power, Hillsong will have to stick to rigging Idol.

Now Rudd’s captain of this sinking ship, he’s got everyone in his ear – Greenpeace, the Gun Lobby, Hillsong, Satanists for Change, Underage Schoolgirls For Kevin…

The Democrats have been wiped out, but leader Lyn Allison says they will return. After all, Kevin will need someone to serve the iced vovos. / to clean up all the smug. / to keep away all the screaming school-girls.

The Democrats have been wiped out, but leader Lyn Allison says they will return. I mean, someone’s got to run the shredders.

The Spice Girls reunion tour kicks off in Vancouver. Although their voices will be in Miami.

It’s the 30th anniversary of Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket and to celebrate, “C’mon Aussie C’mon” is being made as a grime dubstep track. It’s a genre, don’t you people know anything?

Britney turns 26, which is like, 9 in dog years. Totally.

Britney turns 26, and her brain turns 12. / and her brain turns sixteen again.

Britney turns 26 – a few more years and she’ll be mutton dressed as lamb, instead of just looking like it.

Britney turns 26 – the only 26-year-old to have already had 3 or 4 mid-life crises.

Britney turns 26 – and I don’t care what anyone says, I still reckon she’s one of the hottest drug-fucked white-trash no-talent slags in the world.

The Chaser back in court over APEC – they’re sneaking in to court dressed as Osama bin Laden.

The Chaser back in court over APEC – but for some reason, the security guards and police who failed in their jobs still remain at large.

Next week sees the next episode in “The Chaser Defends”.

Next week sees The Chaser back in court over APEC, and new PM Kevin Rudd will support the death penalty, to prove he’s “tough on satire”. Plus he finds them really annoying.

The Chaser will be back in court over APEC, and there’ll be this hilarious bit when they put a whoopee cushion on the judge’s chair!

Next announcement on interest rates from Reserve Bank, and the Australian public will find out they’re just as out of control under the new government as under the old one.

Next announcement on interest rates from Reserve Bank – and THIS time, Howard’s not taking any of the credit.

At next week’s AFI Awards, The Sideshow is nominated for Light Entertainment! Woohoo! Unfortunately, we won’t be here to collect the prize…

At next week’s AFI Awards, The Sideshow is nominated for Light Entertainment! And we’re a monty to win Best Show Cancelled Before Anyone Even Realised We Were On.

Hanukkah begins, as always, with a rousing chorus of “Sending That Fake Messiah Jesus to His Death”.

1st anniversary of Kevin Rudd becoming Labor leader, he’ll celebrate by deciding he doesn’t really want to be PM after all. It’s just no fun without Costello to argue with.

1st anniversary of Kevin Rudd becoming Labor leader – for a pressie, he gets to lead the country!

Ahh, Christmas again – is this the one with the pregnant chick saying she’s still a virgin, or the one with the old man committing break-and-enters to get to the children? That’s right – it’s both.

Ahh, Christmas again – the best time of year for anonymous old men to get the kiddies back on their laps… / for disguised old men to get the kiddies reaching into their sacks for a surprise…

Christmas. Huh? Is that like an election?

Christmas. That’s when we watch Jesus and Santa fight it out in the collective unconscious…

This year’s most popular Christmas toy will be a Deflatable Liberal Party. / Deflatable Costello.

David Hicks released from Adelaide jail, and John Howard’s year just gets worse.

David Hicks released from Adelaide jail, claims it’s his best Christmas ever.

David Hicks will be released from Adelaide jail, and gets a job as John Howard’s personal bodyguard…

David Hicks will be released from Adelaide jail – and if he wasn’t a terrorist before, by now he must be amped up for some serious payback…

David Hicks will be released from Adelaide jail – finally, after all that time, he’ll get a chance to commit the crime.

New Year will go as planned, until everyone realises it’s just 1986 again.

New Year. That’s like when you vote for the next year isn’t it?

And all too soon it’s New Year! My resolutions are going to be to stop drinking, stop working, and to stop watching the ABC.

John Howard’s New Year Resolutions are to shave his eyebrows, buy a new tracksuit, and to learn how to quit while he’s ahead.

Kevin Rudd’s New Year Resolutions are to stop playing up his nerdiness, cut back on his Iced Vovos, and get to the 20th level in Electronic Maths Games 5.

Kevin Rudd has announced a new policy: a “Zero Tolerance” policy on crime, drugs, and Iced Vovos.

The 30th London International Mime festival will be held inside a large glass box, to keep everyone out of the strong wind.

The 30th London International Mime festival will proceed as planned, until the first speaker actually speaks, ruining the whole bloody thing.

It’s the 30th London International Mime festival. I said, IT’S THE 30TH LONDON INTERNATIONAL MIME FESTIVAL!

The 30th London International Mime festival will be kind of (shrug shoulders disinterestedly).

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