Good News Week

Junkie Whitening (Good News Week 11/2/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

A US thief was arrested after trading four boxes of teeth-whitening strips for heroin. Police are still trying to catch the dealer, said to be a thick-set, swarthy man with a winning smile.

The dealer uses so many strips at once, the police are looking for a man who glows in the dark.

Somewhere, a Columbian drug lord has a whole new ring of confidence.

The deal was part of a major ring. Of confidence.

The $50 per box whitening strips are surprisingly addictive.

The whitening strips were worth $50 per box, prompting the dealer to get into the dental hygiene racket.

The man would often use a whole box of strips at once, then lay back, totally whitened off his tits.

The man actually only got on heroin to help him quit teeth-whitening.

He thought about keeping the teeth-whitening strips for himself, but after years on the junk he’s barely got any teeth left.

If only heroin was legalised, he could at least have cut out the middle man.

Apparently, the man just uses heroin to get rid of plaque. / to freshen his breath. / to get his oral bacteria totally wasted.

It’s all a complex attempt at dental hygiene. The heroin gets the oral bacteria addicted, then he stops the supply, and they all leave his mouth looking for a fix.

The heroin gets the oral bacteria addicted, then while they’re all on the nod, he steals their stereos and sells them.

When you’re that deep in the black market, you need all the whitening you can get.

The dealer needed a LOT of whitening strips; he’s intending to sell them on the black market.

Sounds like a pretty black-and-white case to me.

To enhance the street-value, the whitening strips were cut with regular dental floss.

Of course, in druggie circles, you don’t just place the strips on your teeth – you cut em up and snort em. / you roll em up really thin and inject them.

When injected, the strips keep your veins whiter than white! / give your veins a just-brushed clean!

The whitening strips are great for rolling into joints – they clean your lungs as you smoke! And the high has a freshness burst that really lasts!

Of course, they need all that whitening power to combat the effects of ice – it’s a dirty drug.

The dealer’s making some major savings… rather than processing the raw smack, they just rub poppy seeds with whitener.

It’s obviously easier to steal from a chemist than from a smack dealer. That’s why chemists should hire gangstas to do security.

The dealer was pleased. That Listerine he paid with last time did nothing for him.

Of course teeth-whiteners are a gateway drug. You start on the strips, then you get hooked into the floss… before you know it you’re doing two dozen capfuls of Listerine a day.

Police say the same man may have also been behind a massive Listerine heist earlier last year, and 2005’s “disappearing douche” mystery.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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