Good News Week

Self-tasting risotto (Good News Week 18/2/08: Strange but True)

A Slovenian doctor found an unusual ingredient in the hospital canteen’s chicken risotto – a piece of human tongue. Possibly the chicken bit back.

A Slovenian doctor found a piece of human tongue in his chicken risotto. And, even more unusual, he found a piece of beef in his meat pie. / And a piece of chicken in the human stroganoff.

Well, he did order the self-tasting risotto…

“Waiter, waiter, there’s a tongue in my soup!” “Well, at least you know it’s been properly tasted!”

“Waiter, waiter, there’s a tongue in my soup!” “Next you’ll be complaining that the wine has a good nose.”

“Waiter, waiter, there’s a tongue in my soup!” “I know, and I wouldn’t go complaining about the taste if I was you.”

Obviously the last guy who ordered the risotto didn’t like the taste either.

Hey, in a hospital at least you know it’s fresh.

The doctor got a piece of human tongue when he ordered the chicken risotto. He was just glad he hadn’t ordered the pork balls. / the eye fillet. / the warm offal salad.

The doctor thought the risotto tasted terrible, but the tongue thought it was okay.

He thought something tasted funny.

No wonder it tasted unusual, he was using someone else’s tongue.

It always tastes worse when it’s someone else’s tongue.

The doctor said he was so disgusted it made him want to cut out his tongue. You can see how these problems start.

Somewhere in Slovenia, a man’s wandering around saying “Wop happen doo by withotto?” (What happened to my risotto?)

The actual mistake wasn’t made by the chefs. The tongue’s owner was supposed to have a chickenectomy.

It actually turned out to be all the doctor’s doing. He’d been looking all morning for somewhere to stash that severed tongue.

He took it home and gave it to his wife, who’d been asking for a little bit of tongue for years.

Tragically, it turned out the tongue had killed itself by throwing itself into the meal. It had been unemployed ever since that Toohey’s Extra Dry commercial.

He’s lucky he didn’t order the finger food – they don’t remove the fingernails.

The hospital canteen only uses the freshest ingredients – you should try the post-op specials!

They’re one of the few hospitals where the operating theatre has a chopping board. / has a spice rack.

They pride themselves on serving meals that are “surgery fresh”!

There have been a few mix-ups – several patients have left the hospital with their organs replaced with delicious pastries.

Once a patient went in for a heart transplant, and left with a tuna mornay. Delicious!

Their crematorium doubles as a pizza oven!

Sounds like there’s been some cost cutting at the hospital. And some tongue cutting.

Fair enough. It’s easier and cheaper to pad out the dishes with human offcuts.

The food there is delicious. It’s finger-lickin – especially if you order the severed hand soup. / the finger food. / the knuckle sandwich.

Well, these mix-ups have to be expected in a hospital canteen. Actually the rice turned out to be someone’s gall bladder.

It’s one of the few places in the world where you can order a really good tumour mornay.

It’s one of the few places in the world where you can order a really good blood-clot curry. / baked spleen. / pancreas l’orange. / deep-fried appendix. / lung casserole.

The hospital specialty is a kidney stuffed into a heart, stuffed into a pancreas, stuffed into a liver, stuffed into a lung. Superb!

It’s one of the few places you can eat your dinner straight out of the corpse! / straight out of the patient! / straight off the operating table!

It’s one of the few operating theatres where the surgeon wears a mask, gown and napkin.

It’s one of the few surgeries where the operating table has placemats.

It’s one of the few surgeries where you can order wine to go with your operation.

You can buy the house wine by the glass, bottle, or intravenous drip.

The doctor had a fight with the chef, and the chef gave him a knuckle sandwich – with real knuckles!

The doctor had a row with canteen staff; eventually they gave him a knuckle sandwich. Disgusting.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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