Gristing her Mills (Good News Week 18/2/08: Spot the Bull)

Apparently, for the first six months of her relationship with Paul McCartney, Heather Mills was having an affair with an Aussie. She loved having someone with an intimate knowledge of Downunder.

Sydney film editor Tim Steel has revealed that Heather was “insatiable”, and that he was her “four-times-a-night-guy”. Yeah, well, let’s hear it from Heather, buddy.

Sydney film editor Tim Steel has revealed that Heather was “insatiable”, and that he was her “four-times-a-night-guy”. Four times a night, about 30 seconds each. / Overall, added up to well over a minute. / Apparently that was how often he farted.

Steel claims Mills continued her relationship with him in her early months with McCartney because she was unsure about the Beatle. She really wanted John. / Ringo.

Apparently Steel loved going down, while McCartney was always “Coming Up”.

According to Steel, she has an unusual erogenous zone – her stump. Now that’s almost worth getting amputated for.

However she found caresses on her detached leg less erotic.

Apparently, she has an extra erogenous zone – her stump. And it makes for all these new positions!

Apparently, she loves it when her partners tickle her stump. It’s just tough to find people who want to.

Apparently, she loves it when her partners tickle her stump. She also loves it when you lean into her neck and whisper “I am the walrus”.

Her stump is an extra erogenous zone, but what really gets her hot is people caressing her prosthetics. Mm-mmm!

He explained that it wasn’t just her stump, but her wide variety of attachments. / prosthetics.

Apparently in the first six months of dating McCartney, Mills would sneak out at night with Steel and get legless.

He loved it best when she’d use the stump to dress up as a pirate, and batten down his hatches. / and trim his mainsail. / and let him climb into her crowsnest.

Steel claimed Mills was insatiable, with a collection of adults-only bedroom apparatus, including vibrators, nipple clamps and extreme wrestlers. / and a 6-foot game of Kerplunk. / and a giant Mr Potatohead. / and a Leatherface mask. / and the entire “Saw” quadrology.

The two got on so well because he was also mildly disfigured – without going into detail, let’s just say they both called each other “Stumpy” for very different reasons…

Paul McCartney has responded, saying he really doesn’t care – he’s still Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney has responded, saying he really doesn’t care who she’s been sleeping with or what she does with her stump. He’s been stoned off his face for 50 years, he doesn’t care much what anyone does.

As a result of Steel’s story, sex addicts the world over are rushing out for hot hot amputations.

The Black Eyed Peas are recording a song in her honour: “My Stumps, My Stumps.”

Actually it was Steel who had the artificial leg fetish. It’s part of why Mills went to McCartney – she wanted someone who wanted to hold her ha-ya-yand.

Steel felt the relationship was doomed because Mills was a nymphomaniac and McCartney was an “old bloke”. Steady on! Who’s he calling a bloke?

Steel said the only reason Heather went out Paul was that she loved the idea of being Lady McCartney. Although she was actually called Lady Madonna.

Steel said the only reason Heather went out Paul was that she loved the idea of being Lady McCartney. And quite liked the idea that she could divorce him for hundreds of millions of dollars.

Aye – trouble down t’Mills.

To tell the truth, I thought we’d exhausted all the jokes we could make at poor old Heather’s stumpy expense, but I can see now that the joke’s still got legs.

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