Good News Week

Childcare, al-Qaeda style (Good News Week 18/2/08: What’s the Story?)

The US military claims children as young as 10 are being trained by al-Qaeda as killers. It’s “Jihad Trek: The Next Generation”.

Their recruiting technique is to ask “Hey little boy, want to play soldiers in the world’s biggest sandpit?”

Al Qaida has been recruiting boys as young as ten to use as suicide bombers and jihadis. The kids are enthusiastic – it was either that or the Spelling Bee.

Of course you want to get your suicide bombers at a young age, before they grow up and become rational.

Of course, relying on kids to wage war does mean you run the risk of them all just running off to the lolly shop.

Since the new recruitments, the jihad has been going very well, although there has been a marked increase in the number of soldiers going AWOL to the lolly shop.

And fighting has to stop every day so they can have their afternoon nap.

Of course, in Islamic kiddie heaven they don’t get 72 virgins, but they do get 72 icy-poles. / – they ARE the virgins.

They have to start getting young suicide bombers, mujahadeen heaven is running out of virgins.

Of course they still get their 72 virgin reward. In fact in Muslim kiddie heaven, everyone’s a virgin.

The US military has footage of about 20 youngsters wearing ski masks, carrying assault rifles, pistols and rocket launchers. Turns out it was just another party at Corey Worthington’s place.

The US military has footage of about 20 youngsters wearing ski masks, carrying assault rifles, pistols and rocket launchers. But there’s probably an innocent explanation, like they were going ski-shooting. In the desert.

The US military has footage of about 20 youngsters wearing ski masks, carrying assault rifles, pistols and rocket launchers. This leaves the older jihadis time to ride their bicycles and play with their dollies.

Another video shows masked youngsters kidnapping a man on a bicycle at gunpoint, and stealing his spokey-dokeys. / stealing all his pocket money.

The only problem with relying on teenagers to do your jihad for you is they’re just as likely to turn the rocket launchers into bongs.

Well, of course they’re choosing teenagers! They’re already suicidal!

The move has turned out to be unsuccessful, with most teenage jihadists committing suicide by slashing their wrists in a bath filled with rose petals while writing poetry. / listening to emo.

The US army is fighting back with a platoon of suicidal emo kids.

And in tragic news, another suicide bombing has claimed 12 lives, 10 being hit by shrapnel, and 2 who threw themselves off a cliff after an overdose of teen love poetry.

To combat the problem, the US is opening a new internment camp, Guantanamoland! Ride the water-board-slide – face down! Get a shock with the electrodes of death! Or take a trip on the Ghost Train and see the skeletons of your parents! Guantanamoland – fun for 23 hours a day!

Kids are often keen to train as suicide bombers, so long as they can take the school with them.

But fair’s fair. The US has been led since the start of the War on Terror by a man with a mental age of 10. / Okay, so now the teams are even – Dubya’s had a mental age of 10 from the beginning.

Okay, so now both teams are made of kids – but one side’s got the better toys…

Those kids’d better be careful with those rocket launchers, or they could have someone’s eye out. / it’ll all end in tears.

It’s a great choice these kids have: join Al Qaida and blow yourself up waging an unwinnable war, or don’t join and get blown up by the US as they wage an unwinnable war.

The boys are mainly worried about being the victims of biological warfare – in particular, a vicious chemical agent known as “girl germs”.

So in an Iraqi playground, if you hear someone taunting “Bang bang, you’re dead, 50 bullets in your head”, call the medics!

Recently, extremists sent 15-year-olds out as suicide bombers. As Rear Admiral Smith said, that’s “disgusting.” They should be 18. / He then sent another boatload of 18-year-olds out to certain death in Iraq…

Of course, with the rising costs of raising children, encouraging them to blow themselves up actually makes good economic sense.

I don’t see what the big deal is – all kids play shooting games! These ones are just extra-deadly!

It’s just like other kids playing cops and robbers, except there’s no barley… and when you’re hit, you can’t really argue.

Kids who are disobedient at the training schools have to stay behind and write 100 times “I DO want to blow myself up”.

At least at that age they can’t get their pilot’s license.

Those that graduate from the training schools with honours are enrolled in University flight courses.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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