Good News Week

Yes, Prime Minister (Good News Week 18/2/08: monologue)

PM Kevin Rudd is calling for a more respectful Parliament. He hopes that, if the politicians respect each other, there’s some chance that the general populace might one day respect politicians.

The language of parliament will be changed: instead of referring to each other as “loathsome maggots” and “lying weasels”, they’ll have to call each other “shnookums” and “honeycakes”.

Rudd is calling for a more disciplined Parliament, and is replacing the speaker of the house with a dominatrix. / replacing Mr Speaker with Mistress Lash.

Rudd is calling for a more disciplined Parliament – if politicians don’t fall into line, he brings out the nipple-clamps. / he brings out the gimp.

He wants to make parliament more respectful and disciplined. But being a fithy-mouthed buffoon was the best bit about being a politician! Next he’ll want to take away the limos and cocaine! / Next he’ll want to take away the orgies and child-sacrifices!

Rudd wants to make parliament nicer. He just wants somewhere pleasant to sit and eat his Iced Vovos. / All those insults and angry talk is enough to turn you off your Vovos.

But he makes no guarantees. “I can’t promise the undeliverable when it comes to the conduct of the Parliament,” Mr Rudd said. “But I can promise the unwholesome, the unhealthy, and the irresponsible.”

Despite 14 extra days in Parliament this year, there are two fewer question time sessions. Hey, the new Government’s got enough on its plate without having to answer pesky questions all the time.

As part of making a more polite Parliament, they’ve reduced the number of Question Time sittings. Rudd’s hoping to end up with the world’s most polite Parliament, with questions banned outright.

Rudd wants to use Parliament as a forum of the people, to deliver key messages from the Government to the people. AKA a taxpayer-funded press conference without questions.

Rudd wants to use Parliament as a launching place for new policy initiatives. That way he can be sure no-one’s paying attention.

Kevin Rudd wants his Government to make Parliament a place of much greater respect and disciplined debate. It’s a transparent ploy to get Peter Costello to quit.

Rudd said that any ministers who abused the Opposition would have to sit in the corner and miss playlunch.

Rudd began by starting Parliament with “sorry”, and would now like to bring back “please”, “thankyou” and “May I?”

Politicians won’t be able to say “bloody” any more, and will have to resort to the more old-fashioned “Ruddy”. Which suits him fine.

Hospitals and schools are now going to be funded from the Parliamentary swear-jar.

Rudd would like every speech to begin with “May I please be allowed to speak, Sir?”

Rudd wants all ministers from now on to address Mr Speaker as “Sir”. / “Captain Speaker”. / “His Speakerness.” / “Lord of Speaking”.

As a sign of the new disciplined parliament, Mr Speaker is no longer allowed to speak.

As a sign of the new disciplined parliament, Mr Speaker is the now the only person allowed to speak.

Rudd didn’t like it when the old PM used to be so mean and nasty all the time.

Rudd doesn’t want a situation like when the old PM made him cry into his tea.

Rudd has told his ministers to avoid paying the Coalition back. After all, the real bastard’s already gone.

To keep behaviour polite, cup of tea and vovo intake will be strictly monitored.

The PM met with public service mandarins to remind them that he’d already worked as a mandarin himself, and he knew exactly what tasty tasty flesh they had beneath their bitter pith.

The PM met with public service mandarins to warn them that he’d once worked as a mandarin himself, and they’d better be nice to him – he’d just bought a juicer.

He’s worked as a mandarin, he speaks Mandarin – what’s this man’s obsession with tiny citrus?

Of course Rudd was getting confused. When he said he worked as a mandarin, he meant as a Mandarin speaker.

Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson agreed with the call for a more polite Parliament. “After all,” he said, “there’s less of us.”

The new, politer Parliament will feature “discussions” rather than “debates”, “bills” will become “suggestions” and Question Time will be renamed Happy Hour. / will be renamed Story Time with Uncle Kev.

Mr Rudd wants Parliament to be more like a house of reason than a bunch of foul-mouthed school children. Brendan Nelson says the PM’s idea “stinks like weewee”, and that Mr Rudd is a “pooey pants”. / and challenges Mr Rudd to a fight on the oval after question-time.

The opposition objects to the new parliament: there are two less question time sessions, and the answers are at the back of the book.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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