Right now, the Oscars are on, and Paris Hilton is still banned from attending. She’s probably still crying “hot, salty tears” – well, we have to assume they’re tears. Her cheeks were certainly covered in something hot and salty.
On Wednesday, Ben Cousins is going to be getting the crap beaten out of him in a charity boxing match against very large NRL player Sonny Bill Williams. Let’s just hope he’s on something to dull the pain.
On Thursday, the Archibald Prize short list announced. The portrait of Brendan Nelson is not expected to make the cut, although it is still far more popular than the real thing.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
Kevin Rudd’s popularity hit 70% – and let me tell you, Big Kev’s excited!
Poor old Brendan Nelson’s hit a popularity of 9% – that’s just under Osama.
Brendan Nelson has become the first Opposition leader with a single digit popularity rating since old Stinky Fartbreath from the Loser Party in 1912.
Readers of Ralph magazine voted Julia Gillard Australia’s second sexiest woman, after Jennifer Hawkins – but it’s not her looks, it’s the way she talks. / the sweet sound of her voice.
After readers of Ralph magazine voted Julia Gillard Australia’s second sexiest woman, Ralph replaces their centrefold with highlights from Question Time.
Fidel Castro will hand power over to his brother. Well, it’s hard to find a new dictator that doesn’t want to put the old dictator in front of a firing squad.
Fidel Castro stood down after almost 50 years, finally admitting that he didn’t really care about running Cuba, he just did coz he loved pissing off the yanks.
After the election, Nelson declared that WorkChoices was dead, unlike the Coalition itself, which is just having a little rest.
The remaining 430,000 WorkChoices brochures were shipped off to be recycled into toilet paper, or more correctly “have their contracts renegotiated”.
The remaining 430,000 WorkChoices brochures were shipped off to be recycled into toilet paper, which is funny – same thing happened to the Coalition at the last election.
The remaining 430,000 WorkChoices brochures were shipped off to be recycled into toilet paper, which is funny – that’s what Aussie workers have been doing with ‘em since we got ‘em.
And, in the light of more allegations that Rudd was in league with Brian Burke, evidence has surfaced that Brian Burke was actually on the Titanic just before it sank, and was riding on the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs.
Alexander Downer will continue to prefer having a long lunch than to sit in Parliament listening to “childish ranting and party politicking”. Especially now that it’s not him doing it.
Alexander Downer gave up on actually sitting in parliament, preferring to have a long lunch with a journo at a restaurant down the road from Parliament House – which is what Brendan Nelson should’ve done on Sorry Day.
The next volume of David Hicks’ diary has been released, featuring fewer maps and references to jihad, and more screams.
Republican presidential candidate John McCain was accused of having an extra-marital affair with a lobbyist 8 years ago. Apparently he said he wanted to “shock and awe her map of Iraq” and it all went from there…
U.S. Defence Secretary Robert Gates will have lunch at the Lodge on the weekend. Ruddy says he’s “going to put a prawn on the barbie.” Which is no way to describe the U.S. Defence Secretary.
U.S. Defence Secretary Robert Gates will have lunch at the Lodge on the weekend. Ruddy says he’s “going to put a prawn on the barbie.” Gatesy always loves to dress his dollies in seafood.
U.S. Defence Secretary Robert Gates will have lunch at the Lodge on the weekend. Ruddy says he’s “going to put a prawn on the barbie” – which proves he’s just hamming it up for the yanks. A real Aussie meal would be charred Safeway bangers and a salad that’s just a lettuce sprinkled with salt.
A U.S. warship fires another missile, again claiming it was not a test but was to take a rogue satellite. Hey, that moon was useless anyway. / That moon was a menace to the free world.
A U.S. warship fires another missile, claiming it was not a test but was to take a rogue satellite. Dubya has claimed the attack was pre-emptive – any day now, that moon coulda crashed right down on our heads.
After a U.S. missile strike took out a rogue spy satellite, President Bush declared a War on Orbit.
After a U.S. missile strike took out a rogue spy satellite, President Bush warned other satellites that they were either orbiting with us or against us.
President Bush was forced to apologise after the rogue satellite that was taken out by a missile turned out not to be harbouring any WMD.
A U.S. warship has shot a missile into space, attempting to take out a rogue satellite. And nothing to do with invading fleets of aliens. Not at all.
President Bush has also issued a press release, reminding us that “there are no aliens – not on my watch”.
Following the Indian Premier League auction of cricketers, cricket’s greatest stars will not only have to play for the billionaire team owners, but also make them cups of tea and give them foot rubs.
One Indian Premier League team will feel ripped off when they discover they paid one and a half million dollars for a monkey.
After his party was routed in the Pakistani election, President Pervez Musharraf said he’s happy to take Andrew Symons’ spot in the Aussie test side.