Good News Week

Masturbate-a-thon (Good News Week 25/2/08: Strange But True)

On May 31, Copenhagen is hosting a Masturbate-A-Thon, which organisers hope will help break lingering taboos about self-love. Wouldn’t it be catchier to call it a Wankathon?

We’ll tell you more news about the event as it comes to hand…

Last time the “mingle” rooms had to be closed down when all the horny men and women started having actual sex. Disgusting.

Pia Madsen was hoping the Copenhagen government would help organise the event, but in the end she had to do it all herself…

Of course, not everyone is in favour of the event. Many people think that the whole Mastabate-A-Thon is just one big wank.

And, as a lucky coincidence, the event is being run at exactly the same time as the Voyeur-A-Thon, and just before the Annual Convention of Semen Stain Removers. How lucky is that?

The event will provide separate rooms for men, women & those who don’t mind mingling. Although mingling too closely can get sticky.

You can sponsor either by the minute or by the cubic centimetre.

It goes without saying that the lunchtime buffet is self-serve.

You can compete for several records: longest time, most orgasms, and greatest ejaculation distance. I don’t recommend you try for all three. / Which seems unfair for the girls.

Spectators please remember the golden rule: look, but don’t touch.

There’s no fancy dress code. It’s come-as-you-are.

Of course, if you can’t afford a fare to Copenhagen, there are local Masturbate-A-Thons at your nearest X-rated theatre. Every 10 minutes.

For assistance, you can take your pick of dirty magazines, sex toys or hand-jobbing whores.

Even strict Catholics who believe onanism is a sin are welcome, and are provided with priests to ejaculate into.

Organisers say they want to highlight the benefits of masturbation: it’s easy, convenient, and comes with no unpleasant side effects. Like kids.

Despite the best efforts of Masturbate-A-Thon organisers, some people still feel it’s a second-rate form of sex. But remember, you can always lie on your hand until it goes numb and it feels like someone else is wanking you. Or lie on your genitals till they go numb and it can feel like you’re wanking someone else.

It’s an event that promises “pleasure, relaxation & sexual self-discovery”. Just remember not to leave yourself behind.

At the end of the Masturbate-A-Thon, all the sperm is put into a machine and used to create game show hosts.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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