Good News Week

The Neighbours Effect (Good News Week 25/2/08: What’s the Story?)

British TV producers and linguists are despairing at a new accent creeping into the Queen’s English: Aussie strine. In fact the Queen herself was recently heard to comment “We are not taking the piss.”

As the Queen said, “It’s a bloody disgrace.”

Englanders are changing their accent, perhaps due to Aussie soap-operas. The major changes so far are rising at the end of sentences, abbreviating words, and incredibly shitful acting.

With Aussie soaps being such an influence, young Britons are now rising at the end of sentences, abbreviating words, and at the end of every season, they get married or die.

The popularity of shows like Neighbours and Home and Away means that Brits are using expressions like “arvo”, “flamin’ mongrel” and “by jingo she’s apples you bloody beauty, your majesty”.

Old British series have had to be revamped for the new dialect. “EastEnders” has been re-released as “Easties”, “To the Manor Born” has been re-released as “Jeez, That’s A Huge Bloody House”, and “Are You Being Served” has been re-released as “Bloody Hell, You’re A Poof And A Half, Eh?”.

Beefeaters are now known as “Beefos”, the Queen is now called “Queeno”, and toffs are “what a buncha wankers.” / and the Royal Family are “a buncha wankers.”

The loveable Cockney stereotype is being replaced in young British hearts by the larrikin digger, the dinkum shiela and the drunken lout.

The influence of Australian culture on British is becoming so great, they’re thinking of putting a little copy of our flag in the corner of theirs.

Now rather than the Queen’s English, many Poms are speaking Alf’s Ostrayan.

Now that young Britons are sounding Aussie, they have to import actors who can do an English accent from the US, and to get authentic American accents, they rely on the Swiss.

British TV producers are finding it so hard to find actors for local productions without Aussie accents that they’ve had to resort to casting Nicole Kidman and Kylie.

It’s really been our plan all along. Use soaps to undermine their language, and then take our rightful place as cultural kings!

20 years of watching Aussie dramas has altered the English accent. Not only that, but now their summers are hotter, and the place is covered in flies. / and everyone’s wearing speedos.

To try to be even more like Australians, they’ve even started murdering their own backpackers.

The most interesting cultural change has been that Britons now are there for one another, and that their neighbours have become good friends.

But they’re really just acting like yobbos in the hope it will improve their leg-spinners.

But what are we going to do? We’ve spent 200 years trying not to sound like the bloody Poms!

Interesting that 50 years of watching British shows hasn’t made us talk like them. I mean just the other day I was asking me muvver if I could get some kippers on the NHS, cor blimey, do-wot?

Of course Aussie accents are increasingly influenced by US TV. Soon British actors will all sound like Marcia Hines.

To attempt to halt the cultural takeover, the English government is now banning all Aussie sitcoms, drastically reducing the level of international cricket, and rounding up every last koala. / kicking the shit out of anyone called “Bruce”. / and insisting that all thongs now have laces. / and keeping all beers at 30 degrees. / and making any references to “handball” a punishable offence. / and publicly beheading Shane Warne. / and placing Rolf Harris in the stocks.

As a result, British TV Producers are finding it difficult to find good talent at drama schools. Any student whose accent is influenced by Neighbours and Home and Away clearly has no concept of good acting.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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