Paparazzi-free bubble (Good News Week 25/2/08: monologue)

Los Angeles officials are thinking of adopting a law which means an 18 metre “personal safety bubble” must be created around particular superstars, to keep them safe from the paparazzi. And it’s 18 kilometres for paparazzi with a zoom lens.

Of course, their therapists and drug-dealers have to stay inside the bubble.

The idea would be photographers will have all profits confiscated from selling an unapproved photo taken within an 18 metre radius of someone like Britney. Keeping the photos for your own self-pleasure will be ok though.

The idea would be photographers will have all profits confiscated from a photo taken within the zone unless you have signed consent. Though in many cases you can forge consent pretty well if you can draw an “X”.

Fair enough too! Britney should be allowed to drink-drive with a baby on her lap in peace!

As well as a “personal safety bubble” to keep paparazzi away from the superstars, officials are thinking of creating a “personal dignity bubble” to keep their underpants on, and a “personal force-field” to keep away the Zotorgs. / to keep away the Scientologists.

As well as a “personal safety bubble” to keep paparazzi away from the superstars, officials are thinking of creating a “personal Michael Buble” for crooning purposes. / to keep the stars adequately crooned.

An alternate plan involves the celebrity travelling inside an actual 18m bubble. However, this might make love scenes look somewhat unrealistic.

Another plan is to keep celebrities inside an 18m bubble made of transparent plastic. However, this does make it hard to fit into the limo. / it does make it hard to fit into the latest slinky Dolce and Gabbana.

An alternate plan involves the celebrity travelling inside an actual 18m bubble. That way, at the first sign of danger, their staff can just roll them to safety.

An alternate plan involves the celebrity travelling inside an actual 18m bubble. An added benefit of this plan is that when they don’t wanna go to rehab, their minders can just roll them there anyway.

The so-called Britney Law will force the paparazzi from coming within 18 metres of her, but no law on earth can force her to wear underwear. / force her to act like a proper mother.

Paparazzi will be penalised if they take photos within an 18 metre bubble of the star. Which is bad news for photographers, but great news for stalkers.

Paparazzi will be penalised if they take photos within an 18 metre bubble of the star. But outside that limit, all you can see in the photos is the damn bubble. / the stupid bubble gets in the way.

The Britney Law is expected to be passed, once the courts have finished processing the Anna-Nicole Amendment to the Bill of Michael.

The US media have qualms about exploiting Britney and potentially causing another Diana-like tragedy. I mean, where would they get their gossip columns from then?

The US media have qualms about exploiting Britney and potentially causing another Diana-like tragedy. So Britney crashes into a tunnel and dies – where’s the tragedy?

But restricting paparazzi would actually affect the economy, according to experts, with 134 million dollars a year being generated by Britney alone. All those photographers, lawyers, magazine editors, entertainment TV presenters and bloggers would have to get real jobs. Boo hoo.

Leave a Reply