Good News Week

Libs listening? (Good News Week 25/2/08: monologue)

The Libs are going on a “listening tour” around Australia, to find out what Australians really want. Some would say it’s a little late… / Well, we know what Australians want, and it’s not them. / I think Australians made it pretty clear what they wanted at the last election…

The Libs are going on a “listening tour” around Australia, followed by a “looking tour”, ending with a combined tour of smell and taste. Which could get nasty around Werribee.

The Libs are going on a “listening tour” around Australia, followed by a “looking tour”. Yes, the Liberal Party are coming to their senses.

The listening tour has sold out all the major venues in every capital city, and sales of the tour t-shirt have skyrocketed. And it’s one of the few tours where you can’t buy earplugs – but you can buy hearing aids. / ear-trumpets.

Brendan Nelson’s going to spend the next 6 to 12 months on a “listening tour” of Australia. Well you listen to this, Nelson, when I go see someone on tour, I expect to be doing the listening!

His aides have recommended that, if he wants to go on a listening tour, he’ll first have to take his head out of his own arsehole. / he’ll have to take his head out of the sand.

Brendan will be accompanied on his listening tour by three aides and six additional pairs of ears. / by three aides and six hearing aides.

Brendan Nelson’s going on a listening tour. It’s the only way he’s going to get through all the downloads on his iPod.

Nelson’s going on a Listening Tour, where he’ll travel all over Australia, meeting people of all walks of life, and asking them for a copy of their favourite album.

Nelson’s ordering his cabinet to do listening tours as well. Though after 11 years in office, they may need listening lessons first.

We asked him exactly what he hoped to learn on his listening tour, and precisely what he’d be listening to. He replied, “Sorry?”

Nelson’s tour will be focussed on listening, so he’s going to wear a blindfold and have a gag in his mouth. Hooray!

He say that, so far, what he’s learned most from listening to the average Aussie is that he’s a boring fuckwad. / is that nobody likes him very much. / is that the Liberals are totally screwed. / is that he’s a total loser. / is that no-one knows who the hell he is.

Dr Nelson believes that unless you listen to people, you can’t properly ignore them.

John Howard has come out saying that, if Brendan really wants to be a successful leader, the last thing he wants to do is actually listen. ( …oh, except to George.)

Nelson’s listening tour follows on from Kevin Rudd’s listening tour last year. Looks like it’ll be up to the Greens to do all the talking.

With both the major party leaders having embarked on listening tours, Parliament this year will really have the illusion of real democracy.

Tickets to Dr Nelson’s Listening Tour are available through Ticketslave. Though apparently some are being scalped – just go the Wollstencraft Junction and ask for “Little Johnny”.

Brendan Nelson’s readying for his first stint in Parliament as Opposition Leader. After supporting intelligent design as Education Minister, and losing reports into lost bodies and spending billions on dud fighter jets as Defence Minister, the Libs think old Bronto-head is finally primed to take on the full-scale catastrophe of opposition leadership.

Nelson took an extended summer break to spend time with his family. Unfortunately there was a bit of a mix-up and he ended up spending it with the family of a Bosnian contractor.

As a former member of the ALP, Nelson is well prepared for an extended period in opposition.

Nelson backed a call for the Liberal and National Parties to merge. Then all he has to do is convince the ALP to merge with them as well and he’ll be PM!

But to make a really effective Liberal leader, he’s really going to have to work on those eyebrows. / he’s really gunna have to start power-walking.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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