Keira’s brushed-up breasts (Good News Week 3/3/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Keira Knightley has revealed she had her boobs painted on for her buxom role in Pirates of the Caribbean. She’s actually a man. / And they digitally removed nearly all of her cock. / And they digitally removed her five-o’clock-shadow.

Make-up artists also did a great job of concealing her beard.

Not only did Keira Knightly have her breasts painted on, but her arse was inflatable, and both her legs were made of papier mache.

Keira’s not only had her boobs painted on, she’s also had a bum double. In fact in some of her roles, all that’s left of Keira is her big pouty lips.

Not only were her breasts painted on, but her clothes, her arms, legs, and head. She actually performed much of the film in another room.

To tell the truth, nearly all of Keira was painted on. Under all that makeup, she was actually played by Woody Allen.

Not only are Kiera’s breasts and arse fake, but her acting is all done with computers.

Not only that, but apparently Johnny Depp doesn’t really have that many eyes!

Apparently Bill Nighy’s squid head was also partly false. / Apparently Bill Nighy’s real head is only partly squid.

And you should see what Johnny Depp had to have painted on! I don’t want to give anything away, but let’s just say they had to use the small brush…

Apparently many of the scenes in the Pirates films were completely scripted in advance! Believe it or not.

The skill of bosom make-up is a dying art in Hollywood, replaced by the more common skill of bosom feel-up.

But if Keira’s not being cast for her tits or her arse, what is she being cast for? Surely not her acting ability?

Of course, the best thing about breasts that are painted on is that you can paint them anywhere. I could get one on my forehead. / You could cover her in breasts. / She could have breasts all over. Hoomama! / You could get them on your car – it’d be like a giant sow on wheels.

Keira was sorry to be overlooked for an Oscar nomination this year, although her breasts were nominated for Best Supporting Actress. / Best Makeup. / Best Digital Effect.

Bosom make-up was all the rage in the Golden Age of Holywood, but nowadays breasts are usually enhanced with silicone. Sometimes vandalised, but usually enhanced.

It’s a subtle technique; a make-up artist applies a slightly darker shade of base make-up between Knightley’s breasts and then shoves a couple of cushions in her bra.

Apparently Knightley’s breasts look even larger in the IMAX version. / the 3-D version.

Another technique with a similar effect is to film just the breasts in IMAX.

Each morning, for 45 minutes, a slightly darker shade of base make-up would be applied between Knightley’s breasts by a make-up artist. At least, she hopes it was a make-up artist.

I think they used the same make-up artist on Brendan Nelson. Well, he certainly looks like a great big tit.

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