Goldfish have good wotsinames (Good News Week 3/3/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

A 15 year old Adelaide student has proven that fish have memories of at least six days, contrary to the rumour that their memories were three seconds. Huh, as if they could survive with… only a… Sorry, what was I talking about?

Goldfish have released a press release, saying “it’s about time our memory was acknowledged, and incidentally, many of us have qualifications.”

It also turns out they don’t really like water. Who knew?

Not only do they have great memories, but many of them write poetry. / many of them recite Shakespeare.

Goldfish aren’t forgetful – they’re just busy scheming.

Goldfish aren’t forgetful – there’s just not much to talk about when you’re trapped in a bowl. / they’re just not big talkers. / they’re just shy.

Goldfish aren’t forgetful – they’ve just got a lot on their minds.

Goldfish aren’t forgetful – and they never forgive.

Goldfish aren’t forgetful – it just takes a lot of concentration to hold your breath for that long.

Rory also discovered that their memories are actually even better than humans, if they’re allowed to take notes.

Scientists have since said that the fish don’t really have great memories at all, but are just really good at guessing.

However their memory does revert to three seconds if they’ve been smoking dope.

So next time you’re playing blackjack with a fish, don’t let your guard down; they may be counting cards.

The discovery was made by a 15-year-old who obviously hasn’t discovered girls yet.

The discovery was made by a 15-year-old, so it must be true. A teenager would never pull a prank, lie, or just make something up coz he was stoned.

The experiment was conducted by a 15-year-old, in between his online roleplaying and his masturbation.

He wants his experiment to motivate people to stop treating goldfish cruelly – in particular, to stop using them in experiments.

Rory proved that fish have great memories, that they really hate being used in experiments, and that they hold grudges like you wouldn’t believe.

Scientists have since said that the fish don’t have great memories at all, but are really good at faking it.

So if you forget to feed them, they won’t forget you.

The 15 year old student trained goldfish to swim to a beacon to be fed, then removed the beacon and replaced it 6 days later – the fish still remembered the beacon. Otherwise known as “bait”.

But if fish really did have super-short memories, fishing wouldn’t really work that well. “There’s some bait… hmm… now what do I do with bait again?”

So what. They may have long memories, but they can still only count up to 12. / still only drive automatics.

Turns out the three second memories actually belong to trout.

Turns out the three second memory actually belongs to the Australian Wheat Board. / John Howard. / Kevin Rudd.

Rory says goldfish have feelings, and shouldn’t be treated cruelly. Save that for the whales.

Rory said he hoped his findings would discourage pet owners from keeping fish in small tanks. Or at least stop them putting in a little shipwreck and spinning wheel – it makes the fish feel really tacky.

The vegetarian said he hoped pet owners would stop keeping fish in small tanks. Or at least move into a very small flat themselves so they could empathise.

It turns out all this time we’ve been keeping goldfish in bowls we’ve been torturing them! Huh, funny old world eh?

Of course, this means that all those goldfish flushed down the toilet know where you live…

His next experiments will be to see if cats really do always land on their feet, and whether a chicken really can survive with its head cut off.

Rory’s experiment saw him make the top 16 in the national science awards. Huh, I’d like to see a goldfish do that.

His next experiment will be to test his mother’s love.

For his next experiment, he’s really keen to investigate the texture and malleability of breasts. / investigate girls.

He plans next to experiment with the effects of alcohol on hot girls.

Leave a Reply