Ballet cops (Good News Week 3/3/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Cops in Budapest are taking ballet lessons. Not only will the lessons develop their muscle strength and make their movements more graceful, but it enables passersby to clearly see the outline of their penises.

Since they’ve started the lessons, there’s been a marked increase in the apprehension of criminal swans.

While it does make traffic cops look more elegant, it can have a downside. One did a pirouette and caused a massive pile-up. / and seven people died.

Not all cops are that enthused about the program, though it’s been embraced by those who got into the force primarily for the uniform.

It’s important that cops exhibit grace and poise when they’re beating the shit out of you.

And there’s nothing that gets the truth out of a suspect quicker than being threatened with the Nutcracker.

Romanian police are taking ballet classes to enable them to direct traffic more elegantly. Of course they’re already experts at The Nutcracker. / Some cops were very excited to hear they were going to do The Nutcracker. Sweeeet.

It has resulted in much more elegant traffic direction, although it gets confusing when the traffic lights and the music get out of sync.

Unfortunately, it’s really hard to chase criminals in those pointy little shoes.

Unfortunately, criminals are not terribly scared of the threat “stop or I’ll pirouette”.

The ballet-squad are perfect for directing traffic, enforcing speed-limits, and cracking down on underground pirouette-rackets.

The community police force is paying for the lessons. In fact some people are becoming policemen just for the ballet.

Drivers now know much more clearly when to stop, go or twirl.

Though in a tutu, traffic direction can sometimes turn into graphic erection.

They don’t so much direct traffic as mince it.

The traffic cops not only look more elegant but they’re more easily seen by truck drivers now that they’re on tippy-toes.

Of course being on parade is very different when done sideways and on tippy-toes.

One of the aims is to make police-work more “agreeable to the eyes”. But I doubt there’s much more disconcerting than some old cop frolicking around in a tutu.

Not only do the lessons develop the police officers’ muscle strength and make their movements more graceful, but now nobody speeds any more. They actually drive extra slow to watch the weird guy in the middle of the road wearing a tutu.

“It could also help drivers waiting at a red light get rid of their stress or sadness” said the head of the community police. “They’ll be cacking themselves.”

“It could also help drivers waiting at a red light get rid of their stress or sadness” said the head of the community police. “And it helps the police officers get rid of their dignity.”

The head of the community police force says “it could help drivers waiting at a red light get rid of their stress or sadness”. Although possibly not if they’re doing the whole of Swan Lake.

The head of the police says that it helps decrease road rage. Unfortunately, it seems to have increased the number of drivers falling asleep at the wheel. / However, incidents of road boredom have increased dramatically.

The head of the police hopes that it will decrease road rage among drivers. Though personally being forced to watch ballet while driving is likely to make me break out the cricket bat.

Some police have objected to the ballet classes as being a bit “poofy”, so they’ve been allowed to learn dance moves from the Village People. / from another cop – the one from the Village People.

Of course, they’re not only learning ballet. Many cops in Budapest can now be seen poppin’ their coochie. / crunkin’. / directing traffic while they crunk. / break-dancing. / doing the robot. / using the traffic lights to poledance.

Those officers who aren’t so much into dancing are required to gather around the dancing cops and clap. / are required to rap freestyle. / are required to beatbox.

Police were trained in mime for a while, but no-one listened to them.

Keep an eye out for Channel 10’s new reality show, So You Think You Can Direct Traffic.

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