Too many Ruddy committees (Good News Week 3/3/08: monologue)

The Opposition have accused Kevin Rudd of forming committees rather than making decisions, saying he’d formed 25 committees in his first hundred days of office. Rudd immediately said he’d look into it, forming the Committee Committee. / Rudd established a committee to look into it. / Rudd immediately formed another 25 committees to look into the problem.

Rudd has high hopes for the 2020 Summit. He’s hoping it’ll come up with at least a dozen great new ideas for committees.

Labor strategist Bruce Hawkner said that the consultation process just displays Rudd’s sense of public ownership and community involvement in major policy decisions. Plus, that way, when it all fucks up, it’s our fault. / Rudd can just say, “Well, it was your idea!”

Brendan Nelson has responded to the fact that most of these committees were Rudd’s actual election promises, by saying “Look, to tell the truth, he just makes us look really bad.” / “Yeah, but did he have to fulfil his promises so quickly?” / “Yeah, but he wears girl’s undies.”

The Opposition has complained that Rudd sets up committees of experts to make decisions, rather than just arbitrarily pulling a random policy out of his arse. “It’s just not the way we do things here!”

The Opposition has complained that Rudd sets up committees of experts to make decisions. “It’s just not the way we do things here!” railed Brendan Nelson, “You’re meant to just make up something!” / You’re meant to come up with a decision based on what was current thinking in the 50s!” / You’re meant to quickly come up with a knee-jerk reaction that will placate right-wing conservatives!”

Joe Hockey said Rudd was out of ideas. Not only that, he’s almost out of committees.

Joe Hockey accused Rudd of contracting out the decision-making process – he’d prefer the decision-making process was made with an AWA.

Joe Hockey accused Rudd of contracting out the decision-making process. And Joe Process accused Rudd of contracting out the hockey. Funny old world, innit.

“Imagine if we’d have done it,” said Joe Hockey. “We might have won! And then where would Kevin be?”

Hockey said “Imagine if we’d consulted with the people! We wouldn’t have gone to war in Iraq, we’d’ve said “sorry” years ago, and we’d never’ve got to lock up all those innocent children!”

“What does he think this is, a democracy?”

“Imagine if we’d consulted with the people! We wouldn’t’ve got half the things we wanted done.” / They’d never’ve agreed to our inhuman rule!”

Of course John Howard usually tended to make decisions unilaterally. Hell, he objected to consulting with the Treasurer!

John Howard only had one committee of any note, the White House Foreign Policy Dictation Board.

Rudd announced a new committee into unemployment, and appointed everyone unemployed. That was easy fixed.

There’s so much demand for people to join government committees that Rudd has established Committee for the Dole.

According to his chief strategist, Rudd doesn’t believe that 20 middle-aged cabinet ministers have all the ideas. But they do have the comfiest chairs.

Rudd doesn’t believe that 20 members of the white middle-aged elite have all the answers. Which is why he wasn’t let into the Illuminati. / Although they do have most of the caviar.

Rudd responded that he had been making decisions, like that one about keeping women off the 2020 steering committee.

Rudd was criticised that only one of his 11 member steering committee for the 2020 Summit was a woman. Rudd said he’d put all his best men onto the committee to investigate it.

Rudd denied that we was sexist, and apologised for only having one woman on the 2020 Summit steering committee. “But,” he said, “these are more important issues than sewing and baking.” / “there’s only so much that crochet and scones can fix.”

Rudd apologised for only having a single woman on the 2020 Summit steering committee, but claimed that one pole-dancer was enough for everybody.

Rudd apologised for only having a single woman on the 2020 Summit steering committee, but said he was trying to ensure nobody got girl-germs.

Rudd responded that he had to keep women off the 2020 steering committee – everybody knows they can’t drive.

Kevin chose fewer women as he didn’t want there to be a catfight over the iced vovos. / wanted to keep most of the iced vovos to himself.

The only woman on the 11 member steering committee for the 2020 Summit is Cate Blanchett. She qualified thanks to her recent Oscar nomination for I’m Not There, which proved she was able to be a man if required.

For his “Culture Forum”, Rudd has made Cate Blanchett the chair. He just reckons she’d be really comfy. / And Anthony Callea is the coffee-table.

Rudd said he’d personally selected the committee, and chose men purely because they were at the top of their fields. And Cate because she’s such a spunk.

Rudd did select one woman, Cate Blanchett, in the key role of Chair, hoping that she’ll encourage the public to pay attention.

The 2020 summit actually an opportunity for the Opposition. If they all nominate to attend, they could get some of their policies up! Oh yes, but then they’d have to have some.

Dr Nelson said the 2020 committee was a “dog’s breakfast”, but that was mainly because of the high levels of Goodo. / because he’d only been thrown a bone.

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