The Warnes’ ‘best of friends’ wish may prove an impossible dream (The Glass House 6/7/05)

The Age wants cash for this article too. You’ll get the gist.

A number of high profile celebrities, including Shane Warne and Elle Macpherson, have recently split up but claim that they remain “the best of friends” with their former partners. Though apparently Warnie can have a lot of best friends.

Relationship specialists say it is difficult and rare for former partners to remain best friends. Arguments over custody and division of assets is one reason. Seeing the former partner with a new lover is another. But by far the most difficult hurdle to overcome is that you hate their fucking guts.

Warnie has been texting like crazy since he got to the UK. In fact the local mobile phone company has introduced a new “Warnie plan” that allows you to send up to 100 SMSs a week but not receive any.

Now they’re half a world away from each other, Shane and Simone are best buddies. “Especially now,” said Shane. “Having to look after the kids and be faithful was a real drag!”

Some celebs manage to stay on great terms with their exes. Nicole Kidman regularly talks to Tom Cruise (through an interdimensional portal), and Michael Jackson still catches up for a drink with Macauley Culkin… or a banana daiquiri with Bubbles.

One of the hardest things to overcome in maintaining a friendship with a former partner is the sense of sexual desire. It’s best to keep a picture of your ex taking a dump or anointing their haemorrhoids, and have a look at that before catching up. Unless that was one of your most precious memories…

Shane is keeping in contact with Simone via his mobile phone… how romantic! That’s how they first met!

The Family Court is supportive of new technologies as a means for estranged parents to keep in touch with their kids from across the globe. “It’s weird texting someone I don’t want to root,” said Warnie.

Shane’s been so distraught over the break-up that apparently he’s been forced to play cricket to take his mind off it…

Warne’s due to return to the Australian team for the test matches, though of course he no longer plays the one-dayers. He prefers one-nighters.

Elle says she remains “the greatest of friends” with her ex, Arpad Busson. He agrees, saying he still talks to her and flips through her calendar on a daily basis.

You’ve got to feel sorry for Arpad though… the poor guy only got to sleep with the world’s sexiest supermodel for nine years! Bastard…

You’ve got to feel sorry for Arpad’s next girlfriend though… she’s got to compete with nine years of sleeping with the world’s sexiest supermodel. But maybe she’ll have a personality.

I can imagine Elle’s personals ad: “World’s most famous supermodel, 41, into skimpy lingerie, swimsuits, and posing in underwear. Seeks man with similar interests.”

So Elle’s on the market for a new man. In fact, she brought down the server this week at seekingsingles.com.au…

With her new single status, Elle’s actually started wearing her lingerie range…

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