Good Next Week (Good News Week 10/3/08: closing)

Brendan Nelson’s popularity drops to 7% – the only people who like him now is his mum and three guys from the Klan.

Brendan Nelson’s popularity drops to 7%, due to China’s ban on make-believe monsters.

Because of his low popularity, Brendan Nelson says he’s “the underdog” – the mangy incontinent underdog with rabies.

After Brendan Nelson’s popularity dropped to 7%, he’ll back calls for limited terms for PMs, and saying he’ll just “wait it out”.

A new poll will show Brendan Nelson’s popularity just beneath Osama and the paralysis tick.

With Brendan Nelson’s preferred Prime Minister rating now approaching the margin of error, the Liberal Party will identify the error as Brendan.

Brendan Nelson claims the Liberals have “certainly locked in the underdog status” and will clarify: they’re an annoying yappy lap-underdog that never gets to go walkies.

Brendan Nelson’s preferred PM status will drop within the margin of error of zero. In fact it’ll be negative. / imaginary.

Brendan Nelson will become the first leader whose approval rating is an imaginary number.

VT: Lufthansa jet tries to land in very high winds, comes towards the runway sideways, skids, one wing scrapes the ground, pilot guns it & takes off again.

Plans to segregate babies on planes go wrong when they’re assigned to the cockpit.

Incompetent terrorists will try to crash plane into airport.

Lufthansa will accidentally play the latest J-Lo film as the in-flight movie.

Lufthansa will admit teething problems in their “pilot-for-the-dole” scheme.

Lindsay Lohan will learn to fly.

Burnouts will continue to be a problem for Air Bogan.

Japanese whalers will ask protesters to refrain from throwing rancid butter, and instead try wasabi.

Japanese whalers will ask protesters to stop throwing rancid butter at them – whale goes better with rancid soy.

Japanese whalers being pelted with rancid butter will respond by hurling back rancid whale guts.

Japanese will be upset by anti-whaling protesters pelting them with rancid butter – they’d ordered a large supreme.

VT: Andrew Symonds’ shoulder charge into the cricket streaker. Good footage, if we can think of a joke.

Andrew Symonds will pick up an extra job in the Indian Premier League – as a bouncer.

Andrew Symonds once again proves he’s a skilful ball-handler.

Andrew Symonds will deny that his altercation with a streaker involved any monkey business.

Streaker claims he was just trying to DNA scan Andrew Symonds to settle the “monkey” business once and for all.

Andrew Symonds reinterprets the phrase “bodyline”.

Andrew Symonds hits a six-and-out. / smashes a googly.

Andrew Symonds will claim he got confused when told it was his turn at the crease.

Former Deputy PM Mark Vaile will continue his “personal leave” consulting job in the Middle East, claiming he would have done it during those two months off over Christmas, but he was busy licking his wounds.

Mark Vaile will continue to delay speculation about when he’ll retire from Parliament, claiming he’d have to be an idiot to pass up this twin salary lark.

Brendan Nelson says if Mark Vaile had consulted him about his consulting job, he would have advised him not to go, admitting “Nobody tells me anything.”

Brendan Nelson says “If I’d been consulted, I would have advised him not to go. But was I? Noooo. And he never calls.”

Mark Vaile admits he’s happy to do consulting, so long as it’s not consulting with Brendan Nelson.

Wilson Tuckey will tour China, doing work for his constituents. Under Glorious Leader Rudd, he’s assuming we’re all going to need to speak Mandarin.

Wilson Tuckey will tour China, travelling from punch-on to punch-on.

Wilson Tuckey will tour China. And he’s taking the iron bar with him.

Wilson Tuckey will tour China. That’s like Hitler touring Jewtown.

Wilson Tuckey will tour China, and get kicked out as part of their ban on over-the-top monsters. / ban on things that go bump in the night. / ban on creatures that refuse to die.

John McCain will launch his Republican Presidential campaign with the slogan “I’m neither black nor female!” / “We can beat the niggers and the chicks”.

VT: While waiting for McCain to arrive at the White House, Dubya did a little dance for the media.

George Bush will demonstrate his latest exit strategy.

George Bush will finally reveal the dance move that won John Howard’s heart.

George Bush will demonstrate his favourite dance, the Soft-Head Shuffle.

This guy will continue to claim he’s the leader of some country. / leader of the free world.

Dubya will demonstrate he’s also a great storyteller, and he’ll sing if you chuck him a coupla dollars.

In Texas, they’ll reveal a new dance step known as the “Dead Man’s Waltz”.

With the cancellation of the Seasprite contract leaving taxpayers 1.3 billion dollars out of pocket, the government will only be able to afford to defend Australia with cans of Sprite. Though they will be shaken up – psssshhh!

The govt. cancels the decade-late Seasprite contract, deciding to get pogo sticks instead.

A petroleum industry magazine says not only should motorists start preparing to pay $3 a litre, but by the year 3000 a litre could cost up to a zillion dollars!

A petroleum industry magazine says motorists should start preparing to pay $3 a litre, which is still better than Zimbabwe, where it’s half a billion dollars.

Petrol soon to be $3 a litre, making it cheaper to run your car on milk. / Grange.

John Howard will continue to tour the world, fighting for truth, justice and the conservative way!

John Howard will continue his world whinging tour, claiming that conservatives must continue to fight for democratic freedoms, regardless of what the people vote for.

And John Howard will continue to think people care what he has to say.

When a bus carrying 10 Australian travel agents is hijacked by a man carrying explosives, he’s quickly shot and the Chinese authorities pretend nothing happened – which is their standard solution to any problem.

Chinese authorities will continue to pretend nothing happened in the bus hijack drama, claiming the bus was hijacked by one of those non-existent ghosts.


Tues, March 11
Rupert Murdoch will turn 77, and his party will cost a Zimbabwe zillion.

Rupert Murdoch will turn 77, and Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal will jump out of a cake.

Wed, March 12
APEC charges against The Chaser could be dropped, depending on whether the judge likes that Slightly-Too-Loud Commuter character. / whether or not it’s interrupted by the Surprise Spruiker.

Thurs, March 13
And next Thursday is both World Kidney Day and the World’s Greatest Shave, which will result in hundreds of injuries when people try to shave their kidneys.

The World Internet Summit will be held in Sydney. Email the person next to you about it!

The World Internet Summit in Sydney will be held in Lisbon, Tokyo and San Francisco. / will upload itself and disappear. / will fail to start properly, and will have to be rebooted. / will go for twice as long as expected, interfere with other Summits, and, even when it’s finished, it still won’t work properly. / will get a virus and become the World Summit on Porn.

The World Internet Summit will take place in Sydney, or at least in an avatar resembling Sydney. / or at least in Cybersydney. / Well, it’s virtually Sydney. / Well, it’s actually SimSydney.

On Thursday, “In Conversation with Germaine Greer” will take place in Sydney, so take a chance – she’s only let out for conversations one day a year.

On Thursday, “In Conversation with Germaine Greer” will take place in Sydney. The rest of her days are spent sulking. / writing nasty essays. / stroking her pythons. / cackling wildly. / stirring her cauldron.

Fri, March 14
The G8 Climate Change meeting in Japan will take place, with no noticeable change in the climate. / and the climate will remain exactly the way it was before.

The G8 Climate Change meeting in Japan will take place, with all the delegates reducing their carbon footprints by staying at home. / by appearing as holograms. / by just not turning up.

Sun, March 16
This Sunday is Palm Sunday, followed by Pinky Monday, Ring Tuesday, Index Wednesday, Pointer Thursday, Thumb Friday, and Freaky Mutant Saturday.

This Sunday will be Palm Sunday, followed by Kneecap Monday, and Left Cheek Tuesday.

This Sunday will be Hot Chocolate Sunday! No, sorry, that’s Palm Sunday. Oh well.

Melbourne’s Formula One Grand Prix will be capped of with a huge concert by Kiss. “Shout it Out Loud” will go down a treat since that’s what all of Melbourne’s had to do all day.

Kiss will play at the Grand Prix, with all their classics, “I Was Made For NNNNNYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAARRRR”, “NNNNNYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAARRRR All Night” and “God Gave NNNNNYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAARRRR To You”.

Mon, March 17
The 3rd International Congress on Women’s Mental Health will be marred when the French delegation breaks into gang warfare.

The 3rd International Congress on Women’s Mental Health will be marred when Germaine Greer gets stabbed in the head by the delegation from France. Did I say “marred”?

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