Spammedburger (Good News Week 10/3/08: 3.5 Corners)

A Swiss company has produced a new food ideal for hikers – a cheeseburger in a can. Well, at least it’s better than McDonalds.

Well, your chances of coming across a drive-thru in the forest are pretty slim.

To compete, McDonalds are now thinking of offering a new “hike-thru” service.

At long last, when you go on a long refreshing hike in the fresh mountain air you can still shorten your lifespan.

Finally, hiking can be just as unhealthy as sitting on your arse!

Because, after a six-hour hike up and down mountainsides, there’s nothing more refreshing than cracking open a can of cheeseburger.

Just don’t shake the can first, otherwise your hamburger sprays out everywhere. / your hamburger comes out fizzy. / the cheese loses its fizz.

The hardest part about developing a hike-friendly canned cheeseburger is making sure it doesn’t fizz up in a pack.

They’re working on a cheeseburger in a champagne bottle, for those special occasions.

The burger is disgusting, although it makes the can taste surprisingly good!

Look at the picture. That burger definitely didn’t come out of that can. In fact that’s what it looks like before it goes in the can… when it comes out it’s squashed and blue.

The company’s chief executive said the Canned Cheeseburger “will allow you to relish the full pleasure of being in the freedom of nature”. Yep, nature just isn’t the same without a tinned burger.

The company says the canned cheeseburger “will allow you to relish the full pleasure of being in the freedom of nature.” Because there’s nothing more natural than flavour 163, 165, and – mmm! – 227. / than metahydrogenated meat-polymer 5.

The company says, “The canned cheeseburger, with roasted onions, cucumber and mustard, will allow you to relish the full pleasure of being in the freedom of nature.” See, it’s natural. Or at least, nature-identical.

It’s natural – it’s the same kind of canned cheeseburger that squirrels eat! / it’s the same kind of canned cheeseburger that you find in nature!

The cheeseburger contains roasted onions, cucumber, mustard, and a strange brown rubbery substance allegedly derived from animals.

The Canned Cheeseburger has a shelf life of 12 months. Almost half the shelf life of a regular fast-food cheeseburger.

The Canned Cheeseburger has a shelf life of 12 months. After that, it settles back into its original metahydrogenated meat-polymers.

I know I might sound cheap, but I still prefer my cheeseburgers in a cask.

Mmm, burger in a can. Goes well with a nice box of thickshake. / tin of fries. / carton of dimmies. / spool of chips.

But what’s wrong with the traditional hiking meal of baked beans, beef jerky and dehydrated potato? That’s some good eatin’.

But what’s wrong with the traditional hiking meal of luke warm baked beans, filled with grit? That’s some good eatin’.

Some hikers decried the hamburger as a tragic example of fast food infiltrating the pure natural experience of hiking. Then they went back to their tin’o’beans.

You have to boil the can in a saucepan of water before opening. Otherwise it’d just be cold, and it tastes much more convincing if it’s also wet.

The invention has been a boon for the Mount Kosciusko McDonalds, which is only reachable by a four day foot trek. At last they’ll have something to go with their fries!

Old style hikers are up in arms. What’s wrong with lugging a freezer on your back?

You can also buy accessories, like a little tinned mirrored wall that you can throw the pickles against.

They’ve also got a new portable instant form of french fries, which they call “the potato”.

They’ve also tried to create preserved chicken nuggets. Turned out they were exactly the same as regular nuggets.

They’ve also made canned chicken nuggets. And you thought nuggets couldn’t get any more repulsive.

The company also makes powdered red wine – just add water for a 9 percent alcoholic beverage. Or you could just eat the powder and get REALLY pissed. / Or for a real blast, just take the powder and snort it.

The company has also made “instant red wine”. At last! I’m so sick of having to wait for all those grapes to grow!

The company has also made “instant red wine”, that promises an “instant hangover”.

The company has also made “instant red wine”, which comes with a small silver mallet, for that “instant hangover”.

The company also make a form of powdered red wine, just add water. These days, anyone can be Jesus!

The company also make a form of powdered red wine, but are not making a corresponding powdered white wine. Coz that would just be silly.

These guys also have made powdered “instant red wine” – just add water! Their “instant water” was a miserable failure – they had the powder right, they just didn’t know what to add.

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