Ahhh… urine on ice (Good News Week 10/3/08: What’s the Story?)

Sports Minister Kate Ellis announced a new program where Olympic athletes will have blood and urine tests stored in a deep freeze tank for up to 8 years. Depending on how thirsty she gets.

And you should see her frozen poo collection!

And after the 8 years, she plans to sell them on eBay.

Eventually, she’d like to freeze whole athletes.

It’s the start of her “Frozen Athlete” collection.

Why not keep the whole athlete there, they’ll last for decades!

Athletes will have their samples stored in a deep freeze tank for up to 8 years. That way they can test for new substances after the event, and also clone athletes at the peak of their form.

Athletes will have their samples stored for up to 8 years in a deep freeze tank. The Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority likes nothing better on a hot day than a drugged-up sports-urine icy pole. Mmmm-mm.

Athletes will have their urine samples stored for up to 8 years in an official deep freeze. They’re just behind the fish-fingers.

It’s a great way of dissuading athletes from using drugs, so you can crack open an icy-cold athlete urine and be assured that it doesn’t contain any harmful substances.

This is no way to stop athletes from using drugs! To really encourage athletes to stay clean, when their test comes up positive, you freeze them in the tank.

Freezing the athletes urine allows them to use the same drugs up to 8 years later.

Winter Olympians / Ice skaters are allowed to hand in their samples ready-chilled.

Athletes will have their urine samples stored for up to 8 years in an official deep freeze. And, as a prank on people living in the future, the samples are kept in SupaDoopa wrappers. / in wrappers that make them look like Sunny Boys.

So prevalent in sport are drug-tests now, they’re thinking of making the urine test an event in the Winter Olympics. So be on the look out for the 500m Steaming Streams. / “Men’s Snow Calligrapy”. / Mixed Pee on Ice.

Don’t you see what will happen? Frozen athlete DNA? They’re going to clone an army of superathletes! We’ll be employed as their human slaves! Although Gold for Aussie! So it’s a mixed bag.

Athletes will have their samples stored for up to 8 years in a deep freeze tank used by the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority. By 2016, they hope to have an unstoppable army of super-athletes! Mooohahahahahaaaaa!

They say swimmers are among the most likely to use drugs. Well, it makes all that pointless swimming back and forth seem interesting. / It makes them feel like they’re flying!

Many athletes are on so many substances that they actually love the drug tests. “Weeeeee!”

Grant Hackett was upset that swimming was named as a high risk sport for doping. But the swimmers just look suss, getting all those gold medals. / But swimmers need to learn that, if you’re gunna get that many gold medals, you’re gunna look suss.

Hackett has never enjoyed the constant urine testing. It leaves nothing for the little leak when he dives in.

Hackett doesn’t like having to empty his bladder before a race. A little urine sample when you hit the water can increase propulsion.

Looks like Grant Hackett can’t hack it…

Of course, if the athletes refuse to give them individual urine samples, officials can just scoop their samples straight out of the pool.

Any Olympic athletes testing positive to drugs will be extensively coached on how to mask them.

They say swimmers are among the most likely to use speed-enhancing drugs, while the ribbon-and-ball gymnasts are all on acid.

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