If you’re getting crucified, you may as well do it with a harbour view (Good News Week 10/3/08: What’s the Story?)

A crucifixion re-enactment is going to take place in Sydney. Finally, a positive use for King’s Cross.

Re-enacting the crucifixion of Jesus in Sydney. Isn’t that a bit like re-enacting the last supper in Sodom?

Jesus will be flogged to near-death near the Opera House, much like the last Andrew Lloyd Webber show. / merchandise at the last Andrew Lloyd Webber show.

As part of World Youth Day in July, Sydney will be re-enacting Christ’s crucifixion. It was one of the few big ticket events that they hadn’t yet had. / Premier Morris Iemma said that the Resurrection of Christ would really put Sydney on the map.

Christ is said to be pleased, he’d always wanted to see the Opera House.

After all, Sydney is so much like Golgotha – must be all the Pharisees. / camels. / frankincense. / stoners.

NSW Premier Morris Iemma said he’d been tossing up whether to approve the crucifixion, or this other crucifixion of some guy called Barabbas.

The Pope will be in attendance, and in fact Jesus will be allowed to travel up the hill to Calvary in his own Jesusmobile. / in the Popemobile.

The resurrection will be omitted as an act of symbolism. Instead it will take place within the rituals of the Pope’s closing Mass two days later. Also, instead of coming out of the tomb, Christ will pop out of a cake!

The resurrection will be omitted as a symbol – that Sydney is under the control of Satan. / that Sydney is run by a bunch of Satanists. Which explains the public transport system.

The resurrection will take place two days later in a Mass conducted by the Pope. Just like what really happened.

They’re still looking for someone to play Jesus. They’re after a lean male who is willing to be stripped to a tiny little loincloth, and whipped in public by other men. Where are they going to find someone like that in Sydney?

They’re casting during the Mardi Gras, looking for someone keen to be stripped, whipped and nailed.

They’re still looking for someone to play Jesus. But none of the actors they’ve interviewed wants to actually die. Even when they assure him that he’ll rise from the dead in a couple of days. (“But that’s the whole weekend gone!”)

They’re having difficulty casting Christ. They’re looking for someone who commands attention, and is a mixture of strength and vulnerability, but Russell Crowe was busy. / but they couldn’t get in touch with Paul Hogan’s agent.

What, was Mel Gibson busy?

Pontius Pilate will emerge from Bennelong restaurant to judge Christ. He’ll be wearing a tracksuit.

They’re still auditioning for the 50+ different roles. John Howard has auditioned for the role of Jesus. He says he’s perfect for the part – he’s actually been crucified. Peter Costello has offered to be Pontius Pilate.

The crowds are expected to be huge – and for many, it’ll the first time they’ve ever seen Jesus Christ in pink sequinned hotpants.

And the final climax is when he’s nailed on the cross. Adults only.

The scenes will be re-enacted to music. Mostly “Jesus Christ Superstar”.

Jesus will receive the cross at the Opera House, as well as a critical panning. (Headlines: “Worst Jesus since Superstar”, “Very cross with Christ”, “Scourging leaves scars”.)

Of course, Australia is a country that doesn’t allow capital punishment, so in our version, instead of Jesus being crucified, he’s just given a hefty fine. / forced to do community service. /
And instead of being flogged, he’s sent a nasty letter in the mail.

I can’t believe they’re re-enacting the Stations of the Cross in Sydney. It’s hard enough to navigate the Stations of Cityrail.

So, they’re doing the Stations of the Cross in Sydney. I just hope Jesus has the right change for the ticket vending machine – otherwise he’ll be stuck at Wynyard.

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