DNA Barcode Scanners (Good News Week 10/3/08: monologue)

Scientists hope within five years to have developed a hand-held device that can identify any animal, plant, fungus or bug from a small sample. Although getting a sample from a bug basically means ripping off a leg. / And the best way to get a sample from a bug is to squish it.

Finally, something I can do with my giant collection of animal poo. / feathers and blood.

Scientists hope within five years to have developed a hand-held device that can identify any animal, plant, fungus or bug from a small sample. Of course, the aliens have had these things for years.

The DNA “barcode scanner” can tell the species from just a small sample of a species, like a hair, feather or beak. / or head. / or carcass.

Scientists are developing a catalogue of all forms of life on the planet, with samples kept in a giant DNA library. Of course, you get a 2 dollar fine if you return the DNA after the due-by date.

The idea is that, if you get a sample of an unknown creature, you can then scan it, and automatically know whether it’s a parrot or an emu or a wombat. Of course, it’s best if it’s not one of the 10 million species of creature we haven’t catalogued yet.

There’s still about 10 million species of creature we haven’t catalogued yet. So if your sample doesn’t come from a cat or a dog, don’t bother…

Of course, you can only identify the creature if you have a physical sample of its DNA. So it still doesn’t help us with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

Zoologists have asked if you scan something and it comes back with no match, could you just pop the creature in a zip-lock bag and mail it off to them? Ta.

Zoologists warn that, if you scan something and it comes back with no match, it may not actually exist.

The giant DNA library was begun by scraping the undersides of David Attenborough’s boots.

So finally you can tell if that animal in the backyard is a pig or a goose.

Checkout chicks had better not get their barcode scanners mixed up or you might find out what’s actually in those two minute noodles.

The scanner not only identifies the species, but also its price.

At last, the announcement I’ve been waiting so long to hear at the supermarket: “Species check, aisle nine…”

Throughout the bush, you can hear the new call of the wild – “Species check, aisle nine…”

People claiming to see a Tasmanian tiger sometimes claimed to have droppings left by the animal. This device could tell whether the sighting was genuine, by comparing the DNA with that of the Tassie tiger they have cryogenically frozen back at the lab.

People claiming to see a Tasmanian tiger sometimes claimed to have droppings left by the animal. This device could tell whether the sighting was genuine, or if it was just another black panther.

The Director of the Canadian Centre for DNA Barcoding said he hoped every kid would get one in their Christmas stocking. Then they could scan the stocking and expose that flying reindeer charade once and for all.

The Director of the Canadian Centre for DNA Barcoding said, “We want every kid to get one in their Christmas stocking. Then we could switch them to remote control and we’ll be able to clone them all! MWOOHAHAHAHA!”

Scientists hope that one day everyone will have DNA scanners. But they’ll probably have to put a camera in it first. / But it’ll have to have downloadable ring-tones.

Scientists hope that one day we all have DNA scanners. Kids will be able to identify animals, plants and their biological parents.

I certainly hope we all get DNA scanners. That way life can be like one big episode of CSI. And a big “get stuffed” to everyone who’s watching CSI right now.

You will also be able to use the device to find out what the hell is in those nuggets.

You will also be able to use the device in restaurants, to tell if you’ve been served local barramundi, or if it’s actually camel.

You will also be able to use the device in restaurants, to tell if they’re real frogs’ legs, or if that’s just the way the waiter walks.

DNA scanners are also a good way of finding that long-lost brother.

They’ve now used the scanner on the scientists who invented it and discovered that they’re actually a type of vulture. / a species of mollusc.

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