Who you gonna call? Ghost outlawers! (Good News Week 10/3/08: monologue)

China is banning video depictions of ghosts, demons, and monsters. Because the only violent monster the Chinese Government wants to see is itself.

Chinese officials have banned all horror video and audio content in the lead-up to the Beijing Olympics. That includes any police interviews.

Who you gonna call? Ghost Outlawers! / Ghost Legislators! / Ghost Officials! / People’s Republic of Ghost Busters!

“If our people want horror, we’ve got videos of Tienamin Square! / Chairman Mao!” laughed a party official, shortly before disappearing mysteriously.

Of course, in China, when something goes bump in the night, it’s usually the secret police. / it’s usually one of your relatives being executed.

It’s a good move. When you’re watching your step to make sure you don’t tread on any baby girls left in the street to die, you don’t want to be distracted by a poster for Gremlins 2. / Monsters Inc.

This way, if athletes in Beijing want to see a horror movie, they have to go for a walk in the streets.

They are banning movies that contain “wronged spirits and violent ghosts, monsters, demons, and other inhuman portrayals”. Because, in the land of mobile executions, mass disappearances, and the organ harvesting of prisoners, there’s nothing worse than seeing Caspar the Ghost. / Marty the Monster. / the last thing you want to see is some fictional tale about something that really can’t hurt you. / the last thing you want to see is some harmless fairy tale.

No more will Chinese citizens be allowed to see “strange and supernatural storytelling for the sole purpose of seeking terror and horror” – from now on, all their terror and horror will have to be real.

No more will Chinese citizens be allowed to see “strange and supernatural storytelling for the sole purpose of seeking terror and horror” – which is interesting, because most citizens of China are trying so hard to avoid the terror and horror. / most Chinese citizens are desperately seeking freedom and joy.

The problem is when you see terror and horror in real life and also in the movies, you just get overexposed.

Just to make sure there are no new ghosts, the Chinese are also outlawing dying.

As part of the crackdown on ghosts, police are being equipped with nuclear accelerator backpacks and being warned not to cross the streams.

Giant walking marshmallow men are also outlawed, which is a pity as that was going to be the Olympic mascot.

The Chinese are said to be outraged that all the best chainsaw massacres happen in Texas.

The supernatural crackdown is in time for the Olympics, to try to prove to the world that they may be heartless anti-human monsters, but at least they don’t depict them in their movies.

The supernatural crackdown is in time for the Olympics, to try to prove to the world that they may be violent oppressors with one of the highest levels of human rights abuses in the world, but at least they don’t sell movies about spooks.

Producers have about 3 weeks to look through all their tapes, find any “horror”, and report it to the authorities. They want some new ideas to spice up their torture sessions.

The guidelines aim to protect adolescents’ psychological health by making sure that they don’t learn how to torture the wrong way.

The guidelines aim to protect adolescents’ psychological health by making sure that they aren’t exposed to decadent western serial killers.

If Chinese youth want to expose themselves to violent murders, it’s much healthier if they do them themselves.

They’re also banning movies with sex in them – because sex is fun.

The Monsters Union is up in arms, and some tentacles.

The Ghostly Apparitions Guild is furious. “The Olympics would’ve really given us a chance to show the world what we’ve got. It’s a real let-down. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” said a spokesghost.

In a desperate attempt to avoid the ban, several US shows have changed their names for Chinese distribution. “Medium” is now called “Large”, “Charmed” is known as “Plain Old Lucky”, and “Supernatural” will now be known as “The Two Brothers Who Have Very Ordinary Adventures”.

Phantom athletes are stunned. “I guess we miss out on the Olympics. After all those years training for the “hop step and haunt”.” / the “500m haunt.” / the “Spookathlon.”

The ban on all horror will now result in the News being replaced by Happy Mr Funtime in Land of Joyness.

And, because of its traditional associations with horror movies, the Year of the Rat is now the Year of the Furbie.

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