Just shoot me (Good News Week 17/3/08: Strange But True)

A US man had a friend shoot him in the shoulder so that he could get out of work. He really hates casual Friday.

Ironically, he’s been fired. / The man has now been fired.

Sounds weird to us, but American bosses wouldn’t believe a sickie unless it came with a gunshot wound.

Well, it is America. Shootings are more common than colds.

He claimed that on the day of the drug test he just came down with a common shooting.

In America you can’t just chuck a sickie, you have to chuck a shootie.

Why not fake a cold? Or if you have to be extreme, why not fake a shot shoulder?

Some people would just ring up and say they had a shot shoulder. But this guy hated to lie.

He has been allowed to keep his job as a test gunshot victim.

Daniel Kuch got a friend to shoot him in the shoulder so that he could get out of work, where he was going to be drug tested. And it’s pretty clear, this guy was high on something. / But I think that was the drug test – and he failed.

He arranged the shooting so he could avoid a work drug test. Alternatively he could have all his blood drain out of him and test clean.

He may have avoided the drugs test, but he totally flunked the intelligence test. / the stupidity test.

He was desperate to avoid the drugs test, but he’d already failed the personality test. For the question “Would you get someone to shoot you point blank in the shoulder to get out of coming to work?”, he wrote “Depends on how many sick days I have left.” / he wrote “What gauge?”

His friend has now been offered the job. Enterprising chappie.

He claimed he’d been the victim of a drive-by shooting. Because Daniel Kuch’s such a bad bad gangsta.

He claimed he’d been targeted by a drive-by shooter, but cops were onto him straight away. He had virtually no bling.

He claimed to be the victim of a drive-by shooting – by the guy who was doing the drug test. “He’s just got it in for me!”

In the end he passed the drug test, which didn’t surprise him. It was more of a precautionary gunshot wound.

He didn’t think he’d taken any drugs, but he got himself shot anyway – just in case.

He didn’t think he’d taken any drugs, but he got himself shot anyway. You can’t be too careful.

He was so high at the time that he thought a gunshot wound was the only way out of the test. Even worse was as blood was still spurting out of him, he got the munchies.

His employers kept him on. If he did all that to avoid a drug test, he must love his job.

Of course being shot in the shoulder on drug test day only works so many times before people start to get suspicious.

The worst part was that the drug test was actually much easier to take now he was covered in blood.

They were actually able to take the drug test from his blood-soaked friend.

He’s learnt from the experience. Next time he’ll take the drug test, and if they threaten to sack him, then he’ll bring out the gun.

His friend said “ordinarily I wouldn’t do that kinda thing, but I’d actually been wanting to shoot him for years.”

His friend was shocked. He’d meant to kill the prick.

Of course he had a good excuse for taking drugs – he had to numb the pain somehow.

Police refused to say where Mr Kuch worked, as he was their boss.

Police declined to say where he worked, but with compulsory drug tests, he’s probably a cop.

Mr Kuch is expected to be charged with false reporting, and the friend with reckless endangerment. I see it still isn’t an offense to be a stupid dickhead.

The man’s name was Daniel Kooch, or as his friends call him, Hoochie…

The shoulder will take several months to recover fully, but they’re not so optimistic about his brain.

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