Arnie says tank-you (Good News Week 17/3/08: Blow up your pants)

Arnold Schwarzeneggar wants his tank back. And he wouldn’t mind his robot skeleton back too.

The tank was only ever on loan; Arnie had always said he’d be back.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar wants his tank back. And if they say no, he’ll TAKE it back.

Seeing the Austrian tank again has made him nostalgic. One day, he has plans to pack it all up and go back home, to 2029.

The governor wants the tank back to give rides to school-children. Although kids, if a large German man asks if you want a ride in his tank, it’s usually better to say no. / asks if you want to see his old Austrian gun-barrel go off, it’s usually best to say no. / asks if you want to touch his rusty turret, it’s usually best to say no.

Arnie wants to offer the rides to inner-city kids in LA as a reward for staying in school, avoiding drugs and working hard. They also get to fire it at the bad kids.

Arnie’s offering a ride in his tank to kids who stay off drugs. The only thing he wants them addicted to is the adrenalin rush of warfare!

Arnie’s offering a ride in his tank to kids who stay off drugs. Coz the ones on drugs tend to be worse shots.

Kids who avoid drugs get to ride in his tank, and kids who take drugs have to avoid his kinetic energy penetrators. / have to avoid his heavy artillery fire. / have to avoid his tank.

Kids who work hard get to ride in his Austrian tank. And if they work really hard, they get to run the gas-chambers.

Kids who work hard get to ride in his tank. And if they work really hard, they get to blow away Sarah Connor.

Kids who work hard get to ride in his tank. And if they don’t work hard, it’s hasta la vista, baby.

Kids who stay in school get a ride in his tank, kids who pass get to ride in his chopper, and kids who get straight A’s get to travel back in time and blow someone away.

Kids who stay in school get a ride in his tank, and kids who skip class get their spines torn out by the Predator.

He’s going to take kids for a ride in his tank. Governing California really doesn’t take as much time as you’d think.

(Arnie voice) “Tanks… but no tanks.”

For Arnie, the Austrian tank is a lovely momento of home, and the glorious Aryan race.

Schwarzenegger used to drive the tank when he was a member of the Austrian army. You know, I’d never pick Arnie as an army guy.

In 1999, Schwarzenegger used the tank when he opened a Planet Hollywood restaurant. He’d left the keys at home.

Arnie used to offer kids trips to his movie sets, but since he became governor in 2003, he hasn’t had anything enticing to offer. You know kids, they’re not interested in vast mansions or private swimming pools.

Arnie drove the tank when he was in the Austrian army in 1965. Then, after the success of Terminator, he travelled back in time to buy it.

It’s called the Tankinator.

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