There’s nothing funnier than child-eating snakes (Good News Week 17/3/08: monologue)

Cairns residents are worried for their children after a giant scrub python devoured a full-size wallaby with a joey in its pouch. Mmmm… the joey’s the juiciest bit! / most tender part! / best part!

The joey made a delightful entree!

After a python swallowed an entire wallaby with joey, Cairns residents are concerned for their kids. And even more concerned that the pythons seem to like the taste of parents.

It’s nature’s way. If he doesn’t have the wit to escape a giant python, Timmy deserves to die.

So kids, if you see a giant python headed towards you with a metre wide jaw-spread, it’s probably best not to poke it.

Some parents are taking precautions, and smothering all their children in Ratsak before they leave the house.

The wallaby probably wouldn’t have been caught if the joey didn’t keep yelling “Mummy! I wanna see inside!”

Human children have been taken before but they usually manage to tantrum their way out.

Kids should be safe for a while now that it’s got the taste for wallaby.

A Cairns family have lost their dog to another scrub python, but don’t worry – it was just a terrier-cross Chihuahua.

The dog was a terrier-cross. Well, it was certainly cross once the python started eating it.

“We miss Fido. But now that we’ve got a pet python, we feel he’s still with us. Our new pet also helps us deal with strays.”

The real tragedy is that the same family lost their cat to snakes only weeks earlier, and their guinea pigs to a snake just the day before. But that’s what happens when you mix up the flea-treatment and the all-spice.

The real tragedy is that the same family lost their cat to snakes only weeks earlier, and their guinea pigs to a snake just the day before. They’re thinking of taking down the neon sign outside that says “Eat Our Pets”.

They’re thinking that, for their next pet, they’ll try to not use so much seasoning.

The real tragedy is that the same family lost their cat to a snake only weeks earlier. Poor little Appetizer.

The same family lost their guinea pigs to snakes just the day before. They’re thinking they really need to keep less delicious pets. / They’re thinking that they have to make sure their next pet isn’t so delicious.

Of course, the attacks have raised the issue of children – how should they best be served? / do they go best with red or white?

One family was so concerned about the python menace that they bought a guard dog. But he got eaten.

The best way to protect your family is to get a pet scrub python and turn it cannibal.

And for years, I thought the biggest snake in Queensland was Pauline.

When there was an alert that a giant python had been seen around Cairns, everyone thought Matt Shirvington had come to town.

The entire Cairns area is full of giant killer pythons. They’re thinking of moving all the families out and turning the whole town into a hostel for British backpackers.

A wallaby is quite a meal. In the end it just looked like a wallaby wearing a snakeskin gimp suit.

The original video of the python swallowing the wallaby features the cameraman laughing and joking. He must hate kids.

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