A New Zealand man has been charged with using a hedgehog as a weapon, after hurling it at a 15 year old boy. He never intended to throw a hedgehog – he just couldn’t find his porcupine. / his boa constrictor. / his Bengal tiger.
Fair enough too – the teenager had been pelting him with meerkats. / armadillos. / lemurs.
The man never intended to throw a hedgehog – but have you ever tried to throw a snapping crocodile? They’re actually quite heavy. / It’s actually quite awkward.
The guy was sorry when he discovered the poor hedgehog was dead. He thought it was a porcupine. / just a punk rat.
The guy was sorry when he discovered the poor hedgehog was dead. He thought they were more robust. / thought they could take a few more decent shots.
It’s not the first time a hedgehog’s been used as an assault weapon. When they curl up, they’re just perfect on the end of a stick as a mace.
He didn’t actually mean to hurt the boy, he was just trying to kill the hedgehog.
The man was particularly pleased to have such a spiky weapon available. Normally he has to use kiwis.
The man was particularly pleased to have such a spiky weapon available. Normally he has to rub his victims into submission with a particularly rough kiwifruit.
The hedgehog never intended to hurt the boy – it was actually a pacifist and vegetarian. The very rare veg-hog.
The man was pleased to have such a spiky weapon available. Considering that there aren’t any hedgehogs in New Zealand, it was a particularly lucky find.
But the guy lives in New Zealand. Where did he get the hedgehog? Did he specially import it, just for ammo?
One thing is clear: this man is part of an international hedgehog smuggling ring. / part of the insidious and dangerous underworld of international hedgehog dealers.
Before he found the hedgehog, he used to throw kiwis, but they just bounce, causing very little damage. To the victim, I mean – the birds themselves are ruined.
This isn’t the first time the man has used small herbivores as assault weapons. Just last year he was arrested for using a fluffy bunny rabbit to beat an old lady’s head in. And let me tell you, it took ages.
But the man is insistent that he didn’t kill the hedgehog. It was a dead one that he was keeping around for sex.
The man is pleading innocent, claiming the dead hedgehog set him up.
The man pled innocence, but was unable to adequately explain the dozens of spines embedded in his hand.
The boy decided to press charges against the man after his lawsuit against the dead hedgehog collapsed.
The man hated teenagers, and had had enough of the little pricks, so he threw them at a teenager.
Ah, the hedgehog. So cute, yet so dangerous when thrown.
It’s not known if the hedgehog was alive or dead when it was thrown. Though if it was alive, it was certainly sluggish.
Throwing a hedgehog is a tricky art. He had to practice for years with a football covered in darts.
The man claims he never meant to hit the boy – he was playing a game of cricket with the Queen of Hearts, and the kid just walked straight into his fast ball.
The secret of throwing a hedgehog is to grab it by the underbelly, lift it carefully, and make sure it’s properly dead.
A police spokesman said the suspect was arrested “for assault with a weapon, namely the hedgehog… Barry. Assault with a lethal hedgehog called Barry.”
The man’s story is that the boy was trying to assault him with the animal, but when he tried to kick the hedgehog he got stuck.
You’d have to be pretty riled to throw a hedgehog at someone. It’s hard enough getting it through quarantine.
The situation escalated when the boy didn’t take the man’s threat of beating him with a hedgehog seriously.
The hedgehog hit the boy in the leg, leaving a large, red welt and several puncture marks. The boy was also injured.