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Budget test for Nelson (Good News Week 21/4/08: Don’t Quote Me)

Liberal Party members say Brendan Nelson’s chances of remaining as Opposition Leader will rest on his performance in response to the May 13 budget. Come on Brendan, a really good showing and you could get your preferred Prime Minister rating up into the low teens!

Liberal Party members say Brendan Nelson’s chances of remaining as Opposition Leader will be decided on his response to the May 13 budget. However, his chances of remaining a hateful little dweeb are unlikely to change. / However, no matter how well the budget goes, his dweeb levels are likely to remain the same. / However, the results are unlikely to affect the size of his massive forehead. / However, the results are unlikely to affect the size of his forehead, which looks to remain freakishly large.

There’s really only one option left for him – military takeover. / armed coup.

Poor old Doctor B has got until the federal budget to prove himself as leader, or he’s out. That way the Libs can blame their lame response on him.

Of course, if Nelson’s speech goes well, Malcolm Turnbull may well claim all the credit. Well, he IS Shadow Treasurer.

But even if he doesn’t last as Liberal leader, at least Nelson will always have his page in history as the guy who made a total hash of Sorry Day. / who fucked up Sorry Day.

Turnbull doesn’t want to make his move now. Who wants to have to do a budget reply first? That’s like volunteering for the washing up.

If he doesn’t display strong leadership in the face of the federal budget, he’s out. Shame if he reckons it looks pretty OK.

Nelson is going to have to say more than “Looks OK to me!” / “This budget sucks!” / “Wayne Swan stinks!” / “Wayne Swan is a ploppy-pants!”

Opposition foreign affairs spokesman Andrew Robb said the Government was still enjoying a “honeymoon”. That’s following straight on from Rudd’s year-long opposition leader “honeymoon”. Face it Andrew, this is marriage with kids.

John Howard refused to endorse Nelson as leader, even when he was standing in the same room with him. Howard’s preferred Liberal Party leader is Peter Costello. Which just goes to show he really always hated the lot of them.

The budget is also a possible leadership opportunity for Peter Costello. In fact many people would be more comfortable if he delivered it. / He can remind people of the leadership skills he exhibited while doing Howard’s bidding.

John Howard refused to endorse Nelson as leader, even when he was standing in the same room with him. In his own mind, John Howard will always be the One True Leader. / the One True Leader will always be John Howard.

John Howard refused to say who he’d prefer as Liberal Party leader. He knows first-hand how crap all the options are. / that all the options are crap.

John Howard’s preferred Liberal Party leader is Peter Costello. Howard would pick a 2-faced backstabbing smirker over a fumbling dweeb any day.

Howard is unwilling to back Nelson for the opposition leader’s job. He may have been perfectly able to run the country’s defence and education, but he just doesn’t have the necessary skills of telling the government it sucks.

Howard is unwilling to back Nelson as Liberal leader. As though anyone cares what that old cunt says anymore.

Appearing at a Liberal Party fund-raiser, John Howard only mentioned Nelson to say that he had a very difficult job. A bit like the new head of the Iraqi Baath Party these days… you don’t hear much about him, do you. / he’s not doing too well in the opinion polls either.

Howard not only refused to back Nelson as Opposition Leader, he also said he didn’t recall making him Defence Minister.

Howard is unwilling to back Nelson as Liberal leader. He’s just not nasty enough.

Howard was speaking as part of a Queensland Liberals fund-raiser, where they sold off old Liberal memorabilia, including a signed photo of Mr Howard. Wow. I sure wish I had a signed photo of Mr Howard. I could hang it in the toilet. In the actual BOWL. It’d sure put the fun back into explosive diarrhoea.

Nelson said that “it is one of the greatest honours in my life to have been a part of the Howard government, and, of course, now to be leader of the parliamentary Liberal Party.” Looks like being Leader isn’t quite as up his alley as being a snivelling underdog.

Nelson said that “it is one of the greatest honours in my life to have been a part of the Howard government, and, of course, now to be leader of the parliamentary Liberal Party. Ooh, look, Mr Howard touched me! I’m never going to wash that hand again.”

Nelson said that “it is one of the greatest honours in my life to have been a part of the Howard government, and, of course, now to be leader of the parliamentary Liberal Party. I am the leader, right?” / “I am still the leader, right?”

Nelson said that “it is one of the greatest honours in my life to have been a part of the Howard government, and, of course, now to be leader of the parliamentary Liberal Party.” Hang on… surely that’s two of the greatest honours?

As Nelson said recently, he’s “not going anywhere”. Not if the rest of us have any say.

Nelson always was a slightly odd choice as Opposition Leader, what with him having the electoral appeal of a warm beer. / a slug. / a blue-ringed octopus.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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