The government’s wanting to protect us from cyberterrorists by giving companies the power to read employees’ email without consent. Although only if they employ terrorists. Or have some other reason.
Well, I guess we’re all safe from terrorism now.
Now the boss can read our email, at last we’ve won the War on Terror.
There goes the terrorists’ plan of destroying the Government with spam. / destroying our way of life with spam.
One intercepted terrorist email says “Send this to 10 of your friends, or by midnight your country will die!”
They were hoping to blow up parliament with a chain letter.
One particularly terrifying extremist email has a picture of a kitten saying “I iz blow up yr country”. / “I iz wage holy war.”
Of course, Islamic Extremists can’t attack using spam. Pork product, you see.
The terrorists can also sneak into your MySpace friends and commit mass deletings.
They want to turn your MySpace into TheirSpace.
The terrorists can also sneak into your Facebook account and blow up your “wall”. / and graffiti your “wall” with tracts from their manifesto.
Attorney-General Robert McClelland said he’d been advised that an attack to key financial computer networks would reap far greater economic damage than a physical terrorist attack. It could cost millions to buy all that cheap Viagra. / buy all those fake Rolexs. / buy all those penis extensions.
Attorney-General Robert McClelland said he’d been advised that an attack to key financial computer networks would reap far greater economic damage than a physical terrorist attack. And if you deprive a building full of nerds their computers, frankly you’d be better off killing them.
What a tragedy if all the computer networks were attacked. Those poor computers! All they’ll have left is their memories.
It could be a real tragedy… CPUs running, screaming, unable to access their RAM… (sniff) oh the computality! / compatibility!
Self-employed people are using the new legislation and discovering all sorts of hidden secrets about themselves.
And in businesses that don’t use computers, the boss is now allowed to eavesdrop. / snoop around in your handbag. / give you random friskings.
Manual labourers aren’t exempt from the legislation; the foreman’s now allowed to eavesdrop.
But bosses aren’t allowed to just snoop around their employees’ emails for goss. It’s got to be terrorist goss.
Not only can bosses now crack down on terrorist emails, but they can find out what everyone’s saying about them behind their backs. Not that they would, of course. They’ll just be using this new law for its intended purpose. Because doing things you’re not meant to do is wrong. / Because CEOs wouldn’t have gotten where they were today if not for strict moral and ethical standards.
It’s great that CEOs can intercept their employees’ emails now, because bosses are just so very good at telling what’s a terrorist virus, and what’s just a link to Facebook.
Because, if anyone’s an expert in terrorist cybercryptology, it’s CEOs.
I can imagine it now: “What’s this? Someone’s “poking” someone’s “Facebook”? Must be a terrorist code! AAAIIIEEEE!”
Bosses need to access their employees’ emails to protect against terrorism, and to make sure they’re going out with “nice” boys.
The legislation is only to be used to investigate terrorism-related emails. Though bosses can’t help it if they happen to see that one about how you think they’re a fat cow. / brainless twerp. / snooping busybody.
But bosses don’t have time to snoop on employees’ emails! Looks like they’ll have to hire another secretary. / give up running the company.
They’ll especially be watching emails to or from “blow_yourself_up.com”. / “terrorism_is_fun.com”.
They’ll especially be observing anyone asking for friend-requests from Osama’s MySpace page.
They’ll especially be observing anyone sending flowers to Osama’s FaceBook account. / anyone who “pokes” Osama.
It’s still fine to visit “kill_the_infidels.com”. They’re just on the lookout for viruses.
The Opposition was divided on the legislation. Brendan Nelson said he supported it, while his deputy Julie Bishop claimed it was unfair. Nelson said that just proves his point, if he’d been able to read Bishop’s emails he might’ve been able to stop her contradicting him.
To sell the idea, the Government is enlisting the help of gangsta rapper Snoop Mail-E-Mail.
As if it wasn’t bad enough being under attack from Muslim extremists, now we’re also under attack from nerds!
It’s the ultimate Revenge of the Nerds! / It’s Suicide Bombing of the Nerds!
You can also get in real trouble if you leave have your email alert set to a siren. After all, you should be alert but not alarmed.