Ah, the 2020 Summit, or as I think of it, The Summit of All Fears.
Where 1000 of Australia’s best and brightest made their way to Canberra so there’d be nothing to distract them.
Who would have thought that so many of the nation’s brightest could combine to create something so dull?
It was originally going to be called the 2112 Summit, but there just weren’t enough Rush fans in the Senate.
Well, if that wasn’t a terrorist’s wet dream, I don’t know what is. / Looks like the terrorists missed the opportunity of a lifetime.
Brendan Nelson went to the summit, but wouldn’t contribute any of his own ideas. There’s few enough of them already without giving them away to Kev.
Brendan Nelson went to the summit, but didn’t contribute any of his own ideas. Because all his good ideas involve stealing Aboriginal children.
Brendan Nelson went to the summit, but didn’t contribute any of his own ideas. He just went there to sulk. / mope in a corner. / He just went for the buffet dinner.
Brendan Nelson went to the summit, but didn’t contribute any of his own ideas. He didn’t have any.
Instead he used it as “an opportunity to listen”. Obviously not one of Australia’s best and brightest…
Instead he used it as “an opportunity to listen”. Because a “listening tour” was just not enough of a chance. / He’s really getting the hang of this listening thing! / He’s kind of hooked on the whole “listening” thing.
Instead he used it as “an opportunity to listen” – to people criticising him for his appalling “sorry day” speech.
He also said he’d seek out the people who weren’t household names – because if anyone’s not a household name, it’s Brendan Nelson.
He sought out the unknowns to speak to, so he’d feel at home.
He also sought out the people who weren’t household names, and discussed being a nonentity.
He also said he’d seek out the people who weren’t household names, since they have so much in common.
As promised, Nelson also participated in as many different debates as possible. Though he didn’t expect so many of them to be within the Liberal Party.
He decided to participate in as many different debates as possible, by just walking up to people and saying “that’s bullshit”. / “fuck you’re ugly”.
The summitists (summitisers?) looked seriously at binge drinking, and where in Canberra they could do some.
The panellists took a close look at drugs, which was another good reason to hold it in Canberra.
The panellists took a close look at drugs. And a good hard sniff where a look didn’t do it for them.
Some ideas discussed were binge drinking, drugs, homeless kiddies, and other things to do at the Summit After-party. / and other ways to make the Summit more interesting.
“Social contracts” between councils and young people to engage them in the community. They’re thinking of calling the program “YouthChoices”.
They worked out that, instead of using “social contracts” to engage young people in the community, all they needed to do was give them a coupla cans of spraypaint and little bit of crystal meth, and off they go!
A war on tobacco smoking & unhealthy eating, especially targeting people who eat tobacco.
They discussed giving more funding for health, the arts, indigenous issues, the young, the old, the poor, the rich, the tall, the short, and, after all that, some much needed funding for the government.
They discussed visions of the sort of nation we will be by the middle of the 21st century. Of course, the right answer was “a hot, dry one”.
They discussed a vision for the sort of nation we could be by the middle of the 21st century and concluded it we were most likely to be Indonesian.
While most people’s visions of the future involved a strong emphasis on local politics and energy conservation, Rudd himself had visions of spacecastles and pixiechickens. But that was probably just the acid Nelson slipped into the Iced Vovos.
The Future of Australian Governance panel agreed we should look to become a republic, if not when the Queen leaves the throne, then certainly by the time the royal family spectacularly implodes.
The Future of Australian Governance panel discussed adopting a charter of rights, and all agreed that it was better than a charter of wrongs. Except one guy, but he was a weirdo. / just being perverse. / just playing devil’s advocate. / Except for Brendan Nelson, who thought a charter of wrongs would be appropriate in some situations when people are just trying to do their best and you’ve really got to understand the context in which the charter of wrongs was first created, and wrong is such a subjective word, isn’t it.
Participants were asked to answer, in 100 words or less, what is an idea they think will make a difference. I could answer that in ONE word: subtraction.
Participants were asked to answer in 100 words or less, what is an issue that they have changed their minds about. Brendan Nelson found it very difficult to limit himself to 100 to express what he’d changed his mind about, and how he hadn’t really changed it at all, but that if he did, his change would come with many reservations, and that perhaps he did change his mind after all, but in a qualified, non-mind-changing way.
ABC1 showed live broadcasts of the opening & closing sessions, and ABC2 provided continuous live coverage of all 15½ hours of discussion & debate. Ah the ABC. If it’s really long and excruciatingly dull, they’ll show it.
The ABC said they were “committed to providing all Australians with the opportunity to engage in this important national discussion.” So they gatecrashed the summit and let the public in the back door.
The ABC said they were “committed to providing all Australians with the opportunity to engage in this important national discussion.” Where by “engage” they mean “suck it up, couch potatoes!”
Kevin Rudd said all ideas were welcome at the summit. “We have this old-fashioned view in this govt., which is that we don’t have a monopoly on wisdom. We will open the doors of govt. & open ourselves to the ideas that the people of this nation have. People personally chosen by me, your overlord.”
Rudd said “We will open the doors of govt. and open ourselves to the ideas that the people of this nation have. Except the shit ones.”
“We will open the doors of govt. and open ourselves to the ideas that the people of this nation have. Just not your ideas, they’re really shit.”
Rudd said the summit showed that he and his government didn’t have a monopoly on wisdom. Except when it came to choosing people to listen to, then their wisdom is infallible.
Kevin Rudd said “We have this old-fashioned view in this govt., which is that we don’t have a monopoly on wisdom.” But they did have the monopoly on invitations to the Summit, which kinda cancelled the first one out.
“We will open the doors of govt and open ourselves to the ideas that the people of this nation have.” But only the people of this nation who are invited.
Rudd said the summit showed that he and his government didn’t have a monopoly on wisdom. They did, however, have a kerplunk on ideals, and an electronic battleship on action.
So they finally concluded that by 2020, no child should be living in poverty. Sounds vaguely familiar…
So, perhaps surprisingly, the summit has reached some key conclusions – primarily: getting 1000 opinionated people to reach a conclusion in two days is ridiculous.
The summit reached two major key conclusions. One: it’s a wonderful exercise in democracy to get ordinary Australians to come up with governmental policy directions, and two: it gives you a chance to sneak out to Randy Rhino’s and cop an eyefulla titty.
So the summit has at least brought about one practical policy initiative: NO MORE SUMMITS.
But the one thing that everyone at the summit agreed that Australia needed more of, it was summits. Especially if they have this yummy eggplant dip. / And these little appetisers.
Wow, the future sure looks exciting! And bureaucratic!