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Dressnapper foiled (Good News Week 26/5/08: monologue)

A Toowoomba dress-maker has chased down a stolen dress after two months, by infiltrating high-school-formals. Yes, that’s my excuse too. / Weird, we have the very same reason. / I’m still searching for my missing dress, and I’ll keep infiltrating those prom-nights until I find it.

Her and her seamstress went to find the frock, infiltrating several prom-nights until they found it. To avoid standing out in a room full of teenagers at a formal, they got totally shitfaced on cask wine beforehand.

She went to 2 months-worth of school formals just to find her missing dress. That, and the free booze. And all the handsome young men. Oh, and the nibblies. And the DJs were like totally pumpin’.

Dress-maker Shona Berry was determined to prove that they “stole the wrong dress from the wrong person”. They should have stolen something from her Steal-and-wear Range.

That’s the last time she advertises dresses as being “a steal”.

Her dresses are walking out the door – it’s criminal!

The thieves said that charging 880 bucks for a dress was the real crime. / said that the woman’s prices were criminal.

The girl wearing the dress loved it – it was totally hot.

It was easy to find on formal night – it was in the shelter-shed, hiked up around the prom queen’s waist, just under the prom king.

The dress was worth nearly $900. And the girl wearing it was worth 50 bucks an hour!

The dress was worth nearly $900. Now it’s worthless – they just can’t get the stains out.

The dress was worth $880, far less than the amount she spent snooping around to find it again. But it was worth it for the satisfaction of ruining a teenager’s life.

She cracked the case wide open – and there was the dress.

Now, the case is clothed.

The police are really impressed with the dressmaker, and she’s now been made head of Frock Division. / “Operation: Frockfinder”. / and she’ll now be called on to help them solve any formal-dress-related crimes.

She wasn’t sure how the dress was stolen. Apparently the thieves just waltzed out with it.

Mrs Berry still doesn’t know how the dress was stolen. But she thinks it may have happened while she was busy investigating the last petty theft. / the last time she spent 2 months staking out school formals.

It was a full-scale two month hunt for the stolen dress. Unfortunately she became so obsessed with the case that the rest of her stock was shoplifted.

In spite of the fact that the case has been tried, Mrs Berry still doesn’t know how the dress was stolen. She’s too busy investigating her follow-up case.

The girl who actually wore the dress has not been charged with any crime. But at least she has lost all her friends, been ostracised from her peer community, and cries herself to sleep every night.

The girl was escorted from the formal in the arms of police. And even worse, her coach turned into a pumpkin.

The thieves tried to disguise the dress with a flashy pink addition, which the dress-maker has now kept on the dress. They may be thieves, but they sure can sew.

The stepmother is now sewing a bag for the girl to crawl into and die.

Looks like it would’ve been better if she’d just gone to the prom in her gym clothes after all.

The girl’s stepmother and older sister pleaded guilty to the charges. Her fairy godmother pleaded innocent. / Her fairy godmother did a runner. / Police are also hoping to ask her fairy godmother a few questions…

The girl’s stepmother and older sister pleaded guilty to the charges. But at least they’re trying to be nicer to Cinderella these days.

The thieves are now totally frocked. / Looks like the thieves frocked up.

Now she’s got some spare time back, she’s going to go searching for that damned button she lost in 1985.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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