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Piercing Children (Good News Week 26/5/08: monologue)

In NSW, they’re outlawing children under 16 getting piercings without a note from their parents. Looks like it’s back to the nailgun for the toddlers. / I guess the kiddies will have to go back to self-mutilation.

Children under 16 who want piercings will now need parental approval. So there goes that avenue of rebellion.

It’ll be a $3000 fine for anyone who pierces a child without adult consent. And it’s a bigger fine if they pierce a kid who’s pissed.

It’ll be a $3000 fine for anyone who pierces a child without adult consent. Although, for 3080 bucks, they’ll still do it.

Even the most simple piercing can leave life-long scars. As can many forms of self-mutilation.

Now they’re never gunna get rid of those “Hello Kitty!” labia-rings. / “Thomas the Tank Engine” cock-rings. / “Wiggles” perineum-studs. / “Hi-5” clit-rings. / “Barbie” nipple-chains.

But kids are the best people to pierce. They’re so soft, it’s like popping a pimple.

The government insists that nipple-piercings should only be done once there’s a decent handfulla tit behind them.

Community Services Minister Kevin Greene says he can see no reason why someone under the age of 16 should “expose their intimate bodyparts” to professional piercers. Well, I think one good reason might be so that the piercer can SEE WHAT THE HELL THEY’RE DOING.

Community Services Minister Kevin Greene says he can see no reason why someone under the age of 16 should “expose their intimate bodyparts” to professional piercers. One reason: it’s a bit tricky trying to pierce someone’s cock when you can’t see the fucking thing. / it’s hard to get the needle through all that fabric. / you can end up sewing their genitals to their trousers.

There’s going to be a crackdown on children buying piercings. And a piercedown on children buying crack.

So the days of popping down to the tattoo parlour for a piercing after primary school are over. Unless you have a note from Mum.

But it’s easy enough to get parental permission – just pretend you’re going on an excursion. To the piercing parlour.

Of course, children would never forge a note from mum!

Next thing you know, kids will need permission for any kind of disfigurement.

Kids are getting mixed messages. On the one hand we’re saying they’re big enough to clean up their own room, but on the other we say they need our permission before they disfigure themselves. Double standard.

A cosmetics physician said that most adolescents were prey to passing fashion because they lived on a “day-to-day timetable”. Don’t know where they would have gotten that notion. / There you go – it’s school’s fault!

She also agreed with the intimate piercing law, saying that such piercings “should be left in the adult domain”. And preferably videoed.

So now you’re going to need parental permission to cave in to peer group pressure. So not cool.

Some parents felt the legislation was too soft, some saying that kids should be 18, and others saying that the kids should never be allowed piercings, or indeed out of the cellar where they’re mothering incestuous children of their own.

So now the kiddies are all piercing each other.

So now when kids are running with scissors, it’s actually because, deep down inside, they’re hoping to trip over and pierce something.

But if kids don’t have the opportunity to punch holes in their body due to peer group pressure alone, how are they going to be suckers for the advertisers of the future?

Now if kids want their ears pierced, they’ll have to do it with their shrieking shrill little voices.

Voluntary amputations are still allowed without a note. / Unfortunately, they still don’t require a note for cosmetic amputations.

Operators will be fined up to $22,000 if they are caught performing an intimate piercing on a child. Even more if it’s with their cock.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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