Good Next Week (Good News Week 16/6/08: closing)

Tues, June 17
The organisers of Brisbane Institute’s “Does Money = Happiness?” lecture will be said to be very happy with their takings.

The “Does Money = Happiness?” lecture at the Brisbane Institute will kick off with a paper on “Famous Stockbroker Suicides”. / a paper called “‘The Great Depression’ Was Actually Heaps Of Fun.”

The Brisbane Institute’s “Does Money = Happiness?” lecture will have to be cancelled, when it turns out the organisers took the money and spent it all on happy pills.

The 2008 National Roads Summit in Sydney will conclude that perhaps they need a catchier title. / conclude that, yeah, roads are pretty cool.

The 2008 National Roads Summit will cause pile-ups everywhere as all the big roads head to Sydney.

Tomorrow will see the “Fairness & Success In Society” forum. You’re not invited.

The “Fairness & Success In Society” forum in Sydney will be a total success for everybody involved, before it, and only it, is sadly blown up by terrorists. Ooh the irony. / It’s just not fair.

Wed, June 18
On Wednesday, the “Inquiry into Alcohol Toll Reduction” in Canberra will conclude that there should be less of a toll on alcohol, that way it’s cheaper for everyone, and we can all get smashed.

Canberra will hold the Transport 2008 conference, and the mechophiles will be hanging out in the carpark.

The Transport 2008 conference in Canberra will conclude that it’s about time Canberra got some decent transport.

Concerned about the threat of terrorism, the Australian Uranium Conference has been moved to a hidden backwoods town barely on the map, and will now be held in Adelaide.

This week no less than seven reports will be handed down in Canberra. Wednesday’s also the Press Gallery Mid-Winter Ball. Just a coincidence, I’m sure.

This week no less than seven reports will be handed down in Parliament. You want a cost-cutting suggestion, Rudd? How about email?

It’s 150 years since Darwin & Wallace announced their theory of natural selection, and yet it hasn’t turned into an ape yet, so it must be wrong. Right creationists?

Wednesday will be 150 years since Darwin and Wallace announced their theory of natural selection, and coincidentally, 150 years since Darwin fucked a monkey.

It’s the 150th anniversary of the theory of natural selection, and to celebrate, ancient Australian fish fossils everywhere will get their freak on.

Wednesday will be 150 years since Darwin and Wallace announced their theory of natural selection, and destroyed all evidence of those stone tablets they found on the Mount.

“The Business Of Water” forum in Melbourne will find it difficult to find anything to talk about.

Paul McCartney will turn 66, and reveal the truth – there was actually no walrus at all!

Paul McCartney turns 66. “When I’m 64” now sounds like a wistful look back at a time when he and Stumpy may just have had a future.

Paul McCartney turns 66. He’s actually already arranged the corpsecupboard for his next tour.

Thurs, June 19
The 2008 Miles Franklin Award winner will once again be Miles Franklin.

Fri, June 20
Todd McKenney will appear in court on drug charges, but will swear it was really just a Japanese pick-me-up.

Nicole Kidman will turn 41, and finally change her name to Nicole Adultman.

Sat, June 21
The Bride & Wedding expo will be on in Melbourne, so head on down and bag yourself a bride.

The Bride & Wedding expo will be on in Melbourne. It’ll be the perfect place to check out those wedding limos, and, while everyone’s distracted with the dresses and veils, feel up their exhaust pipes. Ooh baby!

Mon, June 23
International Whaling Commission conference will be held in Chile, which is even more delicious than wasabi.

The International Whaling Commission conference will decide that if whales are so desperate to be saved, they can take a lesson from fish and diet till they’re not worth catching.

The International Whaling Commission conference in Chile will get off to a bad start when the Japanese delegates arrive with Chillied Whale.

The “Inquiry into Euthanasia Laws” is due to report on Monday in Canberra – which is, after all, the place to die. / where they will announce that euthanasia should indeed be practised, and should be first used on Canberra itself. / where they will announce that they’d rather be dead than live in Canberra. / where they will announce that Canberra most definitely should be put out of its misery.

The report into Euthanasia Laws will be handed down, and then put down.

The report into sexualisation of children in the media will come with a centrefold of Bindi Irwin.

The report into sexualisation of children in the media will be presented by Bill Henson.

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