I’m in love with my car (Good News Week 16/6/08: Strange But True)

A new American documentary sheds light on over 500 people who like to have sex with cars. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – so long as the car is consenting.

Not surprisingly, techniques vary widely. Some like to use the exhaust pipe, some the petrol cap, while others aren’t satisfied with anything less than a complete grease and oil change.

Of course you’ve got to use protection or the car might fall pregnant and give birth to a baby seat.

57 year old Edward Smith says he’s had sex with over 1000 cars since the age of 15. They really are that slutty. / But he’s never found one that he’d be happy settling down with. / But now he says he’s ready to settle down and raise a garage.

He loves nothing better than filling ‘er up.

At the petrol station, he has to choose between filling his car with regular unleaded, high-octane unleaded, or his cock.

He loves nothing more than getting his car alone, and giving it a good thorough lube job. And then fucking it.

He likes big boots, and he can not lie…

He says the best thing about having sex with a car is that they don’t spend the whole time saying “get off me you creep, what do you mean you want me to pretend I’m a hatchback?”

Best of all, you don’t have to take a car out to dinner. Unless it’s the drive-thru.

Not only are cars much sexier than women, he says, but when a relationship goes wrong, they’re so much easier to get dismantled and sold for scrap.

Not only are cars much sexier than women, he says, but they don’t complain when you try to cum in their exhaust hole.

Not only are cars much sexier than women, he says, but they’re much easier to clean at the carwash. / they don’t mind being buffed. / they love a good spit n polish. / they’re so much easier to fit a towbar to. / they never complain when you give ‘em a good panel-beating. / when you’re done with them you can trade them in. / they’ve got a glovebox.

He particularly loves convertibles. They get him so hot when they’ve got their tops off.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to sleep in the oily spot.

Of course, these days, it’s cheaper to buy your car chocolates and flowers than pay for petrol.

Cars are actually very romantic. They love drives along the beach, and honk sweet nothings into each others’ side-mirrors.

He doesn’t just have sex with the cars, he loves them. Before he takes them to bed, he stuffs the glovebox with roses. / he shoves chocolates down the fuel-hole. (what’s that bit called?) / pours champagne down the fuel-hole. (seriously, what’s that bit called?)

In the past when he’s gone out with a girl, he’s always made love in her car, so he can keep one hand on the gear-stick. / on the soft leatherette. / in the glovebox. / slid between the seats. / caressing the floor-mats.

He’s in trouble when his current car finds out he’s been seeing other vehicles. Not only might she end the relationship, but knock him to the ground and repeatedly run him over.

He says he’s “made love” to over 1000 cars. So he’s clearly not a monogamous car-fucker.

He lives with his current “girlfriend”, a white VW called Vanilla, but regularly spends time with his other vehicles, Cinammon and Ginger. In fact he likes nothing better than taking them out in convoy.

Sorry to say, but that’s not bird poo on your windscreen… / So that white stuff on your windscreen may not be bird-poo…

He grew up using “Herbie Goes Bananas” as a porno.

He loves Herbie movies. His ultimate dream is that one day Herbie will go his banana.

He still has wet dreams of being “Knight Rider”.

He says there’s nothing weird about having sex with cars. What’s weird is when they start talking dirty.

You can tell she’s aroused by the coy way she moves her windscreen wipers. / the way she’s winking at you. Either that or she wants to merge right.

And, when things get a bit kinky, he’ll sometimes have her with three friends in the back and one opening up her boot. Hoo-wee!

And those auto-transporters are basically an orgy on wheels.

He loved his last car so much, but it all ended when he discovered the guy at the wreckers had a crush on her…

When he broke up with his last girlfriend, she was crushed. At the wreckers.

He’s also made love to helicopters. He says that the sex was great, but it was a bit weird having the pilot there watching.

He’s also made love to a helicopter, but it dropped him. From 300 metres in the air.

Since his outing as a mechophile, he’s lost his job – as a valet. / as an auto-electrician. / at LubeMobile. / as a parking inspector. / at a car-wash. / as a driving instructor. / as an auto-mechanic. / as a tow-truck driver.

Some might call him sick, though he prefers to think of himself as in need of servicing.

So next time when you take your car in for a service, you might want to check how they define that.

Personally I blame classic rock. Deep Purple’s “Highway Star”, the Beach Boys’ “Little Deuce Coupe”, and in particular Queen’s “I’m in Love with My Car”: “Told my girl I’d have to forget her, rather buy me a new carburettor”. Silly rhyme to some, way of life to others.

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