Corpses on a plane (Good News Week 16/6/08: Strange But True)

A leading Australian aviation medicine specialist researching what to do with people who die onboard has recommended strapping them in, putting an eye mask over their eyes, earphones on their head and a blanket on them and leaving them to it. Unless it’s the pilot.

A leading Australian aviation medicine specialist says that people who die onboard should be strapped in, given eye masks and earphones, and covered with a blanket. And not used as a meaty puppet show to replace the in-flight movie. / And not to be just thrown overboard. / And not to be just shoved in the overhead lockers. / And not left there staring at the other passengers with its dead cold eyes. / And not reanimated and used as some grisly drink-serving zombie. / And not snuck into first class as a practical joke.

But why do you need to strap a dead person into their chair? It’s not like they’re going to walk around bothering people.

It’s important to strap a dead person into their chair. Otherwise they’re up all the time, pestering to see the cockpit, asking if they can eat the pilot’s brains…

In the past, flight attendants used to put a corpse on an empty row of seats. But with increasingly busy passenger loads, it’s better to just leave the dead body in its seat, and hope that it might scare its neighbours to death, freeing up the row.

They had thought of just chucking the corpses out of the plane, but that might encourage passengers to thoughts of murder for the extra legroom.

So it turns out that smothering another passenger with your complimentary pillow just for the extra legroom won’t work! I wish they’d told me that sooner.

Singapore Airlines aircraft have been fitted with specially designed “corpse cupboards” to resolve the problem. And if there aren’t any corpses on that flight, they can be used to stack a couple of children who are playing up.

Passengers who die mid-flight should be stored in special “corpse cupboards” if possible, according to a leading Australian aviation medicine specialist. And under no circumstances should they be allowed to fly the plane.

According to a leading Australian aviation medicine specialist, passengers who die mid-flight should be stored in special “corpse cupboards”, and not just heaped up in piles at the back of the plane.

And if you don’t have a corpse-cupboard handy, simply stuff them into the overhead lockers.

He also says, if you don’t have a corpse-cupboard, put on an eye-mask, pop on some earphones, and try to pretend they’re not there. / and try to pretend you’re not sitting right next to a CORPSE.

If you don’t have a corpse-cupboard on board, it’s recommended that you put an eye-mask on them, pop on some earphones, cover them with a blanket, and occasionally shoo away the flies.

A leading Australian aviation medicine specialist researching what to do with people who die onboard has recommended strapping them in, putting an eye mask over their eyes, earphones on their head and a blanket on them. Also don’t try to wake them for meals or the jig might be up.

Because once you’ve checked a passenger’s pulse and breathing, strapped them in, and fitted them with an eyemask and earphones, no-one would ever suspect they were dead.

Now, as an instructional video, air-hostesses are being shown “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

So many people die on planes that there’s even a special deal for Frequent Diers.

Airlines don’t mind having dead people on board. They save a fortune on complimentary nuts. / They save a fortune on in-flight meals. / In the event of a terrorist hijack, they really don’t mind being flown into buildings. / They never hassle you for a window seat. / They never complain, even when you spiral out of control and crash into the side of a mountain. / They never get airsick.

And if the pilots die en route, it’s best to just switch it to auto and hope for the best.

It’s recommended that airline hosts put an eye-mask on the dead, pop some earphones on them, and cover them with a blanket. That way they look like they died in their sleep, and not from some airborne disease which will, one by one, infect and kill everyone on board.

Cabin crew are recommended to disguise corpses as sleeping passengers. al-Qaeda, on the other hand, turns sleeping passengers into corpses.

Terrorists are also in favour of disguising the dead as sleeping passengers. And terrorists not only prefer a naturalistic look for the dead, but the dead-to-be.

Is that sleeping person next to you really actually dead? Or are they just trying to avoid conversation?

It’s not so bad being stuck next to a corpse. At least they don’t try to tell you their life story.

But you don’t want to fall into a deep sleep on a plane now, or you’ll end up rammed into the cupboard with a buncha corpses. Though, that is preferable to the in-flight program. / Though at least you won’t have to watch the safety demonstration.

Of course, when rigormortis sets in, it makes it nearly impossible for the person in front to fully recline.

If passengers object to being stuck next to a corpse, stewards are encouraged to chop it up and feed it to the jet-sparrows.

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