Clone hair (Good News Week 16/6/08: The Usual Suspects)

A British research team has discovered a way to overcome baldness by cloning your remaining hair. The technique can also be used to raise a hair army should you have need of one.

Now that’s a hair-raising scheme.

Their first subject worked wonderfully – he came to a small amount of fame starring on the Addams family as Cousin Itt.

Just proves that scientists are mostly still men.

Baldness affects 40% of men over 50. Yes, it’s called aging. / Yes, it’s like wrinkles and memory-loss, it’s called “the natural aging process”.

Scientists have named the hair-loss condition “the natural aging process”.

Baldness affects 40% of men over 50. Unlike scalp-abrasing clone-hair, which so far only affects the total freaks.

They may be able to bring back your hair, but they still can’t do anything about your lonely pathetic little life.

Their lab looks amazing – it’s like a nursery for combovers.

The process works by using cloned scalp follicles. Unfortunately, scientists still haven’t worked out what to do with the rest of the clones. / with the 99% of the clone they don’t use.

Unfortunately, the byproduct of the process is a whole lot of unwanted clones with no scalps. They’re so very lonely. / If only they had some hair left to clone.

Some people say this is the most important scientific breakthrough of the 21st century, while others say “haha baldy, you’ve got clone hair”.

A spokescientist said “Fuck the starving millions, we’ve got bald men to make slightly less bald!”

The procedure is said to be particularly popular amongst bald men, cancer patients, burns victims, and nits.

It’s a very natural process – other than the scalp-abrasion, the thousands of tiny injections, the lab-grown follicle cells, and the tiny little light-sabers.

Unfortunately like other clones, the cloned hair ages much more rapidly, so tends to drop out again after a few weeks.

In extremely bald patients, the technique may require more than 1000 tiny injections, but is still quicker and less invasive than current hair replacement techniques. As there are no staples. / As a nail gun is no longer necessary.

In extremely bald patients, the technique may require more than 1000 tiny injections, but is still less invasive than grabbing them by the lapels, shaking them, and shouting “get over it, baldy”.

But cloning balding people’s hair seems a bit self-defeating… isn’t it just likely to… drop out?

Wig manufacturers have vowed to sue the company for loss of income. That’s right, they’re going toupee!

The procedure is expensive, but bald people are willing toupee.

The procedure could be available to patients within five years, although if you’re really desperate you might be able to buy the technology off a scalper.

Unfortunately, once the hair is transplanted, the rest of the clone continues to grow, and every couple of weeks you have to shave vestigial bodyparts off your bulbous freakish mutant head.

The scientists have settled on using clone-hair after their initial experiments with clown-hair proved to be much too zany.

Next scientists want to conquer the worrying statistic that, at last count, 100% of people die.

At last we’re getting close to immortality – just clone all our bits and replace them as needed! I feel like a new man!

Now Warney will be able to have head hair on his head rather than the arse-hair he’s had for years. The big question is will anyone be able to tell the difference?

It will be quicker and less invasive than current hair transplant techniques.
Shane Warne and a metal head-warmer

And cloned hair is a big advance on the currently available android hair.
Shane Warne and a metal head-warmer

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