Suicide Mamas (Good News Week 16/6/08: Blow up your pants)

Islamic women are demanding equal opportunities to become suicide bombers and terrorists, after an al-Qaida leader said they should focus on being housewives. As one said, “If I have to do another load of washing, I’m going to explode!”

Osama bin Laden’s right-hand man Ayman al-Zawahiri praised the wives of al-Qaida terrorists, but said their role must be limited to the home. A suicide bomber leaves behind a lot of laundry. / makes quite a mess. / leaves a lot of hard-to-get-out stains. / leaves a lot of stubborn blood-stains.

According to Ayman al-Zawahiri, they should stay at home. Explosives-straps don’t knit themselves, you know.

According to Ayman al-Zawahiri, they should stay at home, and support the movement by crocheting nice covers for the men’s carbombs.

According to Ayman al-Zawahiri, they should stay at home. Holy Jihad is no place for doilies.

According to Ayman al-Zawahiri, they should stay at home. After a hard day blowing himself up, a man wants to come home to a nice hot… oh yeah, right. Of course.

You don’t want to piss off these extremist housewives. They don’t chase you with a rolling pin, they just blow themselves up.

You know what they say: behind every good man who’s just blown himself up for Allah, there’s a good woman, trying to dodge the shrapnel. / bodyparts.

Women are just as capable of blowing themselves up as men are. Equal rights! Equal rights!

Why should they be stuck at home while hubby goes out and blows himself up? It’s just not fair.

But why should they be stuck at home all day, blowing up the children?

It makes them really mad to be excluded like this. It just makes them want to explode.

It’s the suicidal extremist women that are needed in the home the most. Who else is going to teach the next generation that life isn’t worth living? / life is only worth living if you can blow yourself up?

One woman wrote that al-Zawahiri “saddened and hurt me. I felt that my heart was about to explode in my chest.” Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to follow through on the feeling. / Which is the closest she’s going to get to her dream. / So at least he provided some agonising suicidal pain. / Is she aware of what being a “suicide bomber” involves?

Some women are so upset they’re going to find a more tolerant religion to blow themselves up for.

After all, they don’t call it a “He-had” do they.

Some women are breaking away, and forming their own feminist extremist group: She-had. (The band of the same name thought of suing, but it’s not the sort of group you want to face off in court. “The plaintiffs are charged with copyright infring”-KABLOOIE!)

Some women are breaking away, and forming their own feminist extremist group: alison-Qaida. / alice-Qaida. / elle-Qaida.

Extremist women are jealous. They know their husbands are just doing it for the heavenly virgins.

They know their hubbies are just blowing themselves up for the heavenly virgins. It’s just lucky that they die when they blow themselves up, or their wives’d kill ‘em.

I don’t know what these women are getting so upset about. What’s a woman going to do with 72 virgins? Start a sewing group? / Start a book club? This month: the Koran. Again.

After all, female virgins are more enticing to men than male virgins are to women. What’s he going to do, show her his XBox? / collection of Star Trek memorabilia? / limited edition Darth Vader?

Osama himself is keeping quiet about the subject, hoping al-Zawahiri doesn’t discover that he’s really a woman in a false beard.

al-Qaida may be extremists who think nothing of massacring innocents and waging holy war, but I never realised they were sexist. They’ve lost my vote.

Many extremist housewives have now joined the Suicide Girls, unaware that perhaps it was exactly the wrong group to be a part of.

Al-Zawahiri has relented and said that women can now blow themselves up. He’s just realised the potential of girl-germ-warfare.

Al-Zawahiri’s just afraid that terrorists will be less effective if people are scared of getting girl germs.

It’s giving reluctant male suicide bombers a way out. They just dress up in a burkha and no-one will ever know.

According to Ayman al-Zawahiri, they should stay at home. Or if they have to be on the front line against the western infidels, can they please bring a plate.

It’s understandable that wives want to blow themselves up too. It’s easier than telling the kids why Daddy isn’t coming home.

Ayman al-Zawahiri has been forced to back down and has now said that, yes, woman can be suicide bombers, but only on Ladies Night.

al-Zawahiri has reached a compromise, saying women can blow themselves up so long as they have a wet burkha competition with the blood of the infidels.

Islamic women have bombarded extremist websites with complaints, and have even set up their own: the Suicide Mamas.

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