Popeyguard (Good News Week 16/6/08: What’s the Story)

The Pope’s chief bodyguard has been in Sydney, checking out sites for the Pope’s World Youth Day appearances. The Pope needs a bodyguard – it’s not like he can rely on protection from God.

He’s the only bodyguard with an earpiece to God.

He prays by earpiece.

He’s head of an organisation of burly gents who refer to him as the God’sRepresentativeOnEarthFather. / He’s not quite The Godfather – more like The God’sRepresentativeOnEarthFather.

Domenico Giani is usually the person jogging alongside the Popemobile. At least when it’s in high gear.

Not only does he get to jog alongside the Popemobile when on duty, but on weekends he gets to jog alongside the Pope’s golfcart.

And, when the Pope’s out, he sometimes gets to wear the pointy hat. / hold the staff.

He says the best part of the job is knowing that, if someone tries to assassinate the Pope, he’ll be right there to watch the old fucker die. / he’ll get the very best possie to watch the old Nazi cark it.

But, surely, if there was a God, the Pope wouldn’t need a bodyguard? / Surely the fact that the Pope has a bodyguard kinda puts doubt on the whole “existence of God” thing?

Not only is the Pope’s bodyguard coming over with him, but all of his body-doubles. / stunt-doubles.

Giani is pretty much at the top of his profession. To go any higher he’ll have to actually take a bullet.

Unlike his predecessor, Dr Giani has never lived his worst nightmare – an assassination attempt. Although taking the bullet himself is his only real promotion opportunity.

You don’t want to get on the wrong side of him or it’ll be “Humana vita, baby.” / “Amen to this, motherfucker!”

Unfortunately, the Pope’s whirlwind tour misses out on that holiest of holy places, the devout and regal King’s Cross. Which is a shame, he could’ve got something a bit stronger than the blood of Christ there…

Not only are they worried about assassination, but apparently the police and the Vatican have also discussed the threat of comedy pranks. Although, I doubt there could be a bigger comedy prank than the one about the “virgin birth”. / “resurrection”. / “loaves and fishes”.

The Vatican and police have discussed the possibility of a comedy stunt occurring. Maybe a phone call purporting to be from God, or a hotted-up Popemobile. Or Satan turning up – he’s such a trickster.

To head off the possibility of a comedy stunt by the likes of the Chaser, the Pope’s going to do his own comedy routine, featuring gags about paedophile priests and how Christ was a vampire zombie. Should be a hoot.

But who’d want to protest against the Pope? He’s such a kindly old AIDS-spreading Nazi creep.

The Pope’s coming to Sydney! Although, apparently, he’s just on a fact-finding mission for God, who wants to know which bits to smite first.

The Pope’s going to be here to celebrate World Youth Day. Because if there’s one thing that truly symbolises World Youth Day, it’s an 81-year-old Nazi.

The Pope’s here to celebrate World Youth Day. Because let’s face it, at 81, he’s so young and spry. For a Pope, anyway.

The Pope’s going to be here to celebrate World Youth Day. Because there’s no day Catholic priests like more than Youth Day.

The chief of World Youth Day refused to say if the Pope’s security staff would be bearing weapons. All he’d say was, if you breach security, you’d better keep one eye on Heaven. / it may just feel like you’ve been struck by lightning.

The Pope’s appearance at World Youth Day will attract over 125,000 international visitors to Sydney. That’s right, 125,000 Popegroupies! Better book your hotels now – I hear Darwin’s nice this time of year.

The Pope’s appearance at World Youth Day will attract over 125,000 god-fearing visitors to Sydney from all over the world. It’ll be just like Mardis Gras!

I can’t believe the Pope’s coming to Sydney. He might as well be visiting Sodom and Gomorrah.

All flights to Sydney are fully booked and an additional 36 have been added. And that’s not including the choirs of angels who’ll be coming under their own steam.

Hopefully all those pilgrims bring their own pills.

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