Ancient Aussie fish sex (Good News Week 16/6/08: What’s the Story)

Well waddya know. Australia is proud home to the earliest known animal that had sex, a 375 million year old shark-like creature. That’s right, ancient Aussie fish were makin’ whoopee. Although, underwater, it’s more like “whblooblpeebl”.

The 375 million year old fossil shows a fish with an embryo and umbilical cord attached. Not only does this prove that ancient fish were having sex, but that, when pregnant, they used to fossilise. / turn into rock. / be discovered by scientists almost 375 million years later.

The 375 million year old fossil shows a fish with an embryo and umbilical cord attached. The baby’s life was tragically cut short by Christian fundamentalists hoping to prove that evolution isn’t true.

They thought they’d found a fossilised embryo inside the 375 million year old fish. Unfortunately, it just turned out to be an old boot.

The embryo fish is about 375 million years old. And you should’ve seen the age of the one that got away!

The 375 million year old fish provides key evolutionary evidence, as it contains not only an embryo and umbilical cord, but also a hook and bait.

Previously the earliest evidence of internal fertilisation was from 200 million year old marine reptiles. But now we have to face the fact that we’re not just descended from reptiles, but from sharks. We’re probably more delicious than I ever realised! / No wonder we’re so deadly!

The shark fossil could be one of mankind’s earliest ancestors, as it not only had an umbilical cord and embryo, but also an iPod.

The shark fossil is the earliest evidence of an animal having sex for fun. Further evidence comes from the vibrator found next to it.

The embryo is the earliest evidence of an animal having sex to procreate and for fun. Prior to that, sex was just practice. / just a daily fish chore. / just a part of their daily exercise regime.

Not only did fish have sex that was “fun” 375 million years ago, but they used to go out to dinner, go for walks along the beach, and just lie in bed and talk for hours.

Not only did fish have sex that was “fun” 375 million years ago, but eating ancient cephalopods was “a real blast”! / was “totally rad”.

Turns out that doing the mattress mambo was around long before the mambo was, and well before the invention of the mattress. Freaky!

It’s the earliest evidence of sex for fun. Embryos, umbilical cords… that’s right, FUN!

It’s the earliest evidence of sex for fun. That’s right – nothing says “fun sex” like a 375 million-year-old dead fish. / like a dead fish that’s been turned to stone.

That’s why, whenever I want to have “fun sex”, I make sure I bring along my fossilised fish embryo.

Scientists say this is the first record of “sex that was fun”, rather than just spawning. But how do they know that spawning isn’t fun? When was the last time they had a good spawn? Huh? They know nothing.

So not only is Australia the birthplace of sex, but we have proof that the earliest procreators were drinking like a fish.

That’s where we get the phrase “banging like a tunny whore”.

The fish has been named after David Attenborough, since he’s so well known for having sex and falling pregnant. / for having sex underwater. With fish.

The fish has been named after David Attenborough. Surely it should be named after Steve Irwin: after all, he ended up being totally fucked underwater.

The fish has been named after David Attenborough. They’re calling it “David”.

The Aussie fish has been named “materpiscis attenboroughi”, as presumably “knocked-up sheila” was already taken.

Sir David Attenborough is “thrilled” by the idea of being named after a pregnant dead fish. But, you know, you get to his age and you’re thrilled by getting to the toilet on time.

Sir David Attenborough is “thrilled” by the idea of being named after a pregnant dead fish. Maybe next time they can use his name for something nice. / alive.

A 375 million year old horny Aussie shark? I knew Greg Norman was getting on, but geez!

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