Rudd’s Razor (Good News Week 16/6/08: monologue)

The Government continues to ask the public for any ideas on where they should cut funding. I’m thinking we cut a bit more from Government wages, seeing as we’re doing all the work!

They’re calling on voters to get involved in the decision-making. Of course, you don’t get paid. And you don’t get to sit in on parliament. Or driven around in official cars. Or given a specific portfolio. Or any sort of actual clout. Or respect. Or any sort of guarantee that what you say will actually be acted upon. In fact, all you get for your troubles is a free t-shirt. Rudd’s got hundreds of those damn “Kevin 07” things lying around.

Well, my idea is to cut back on the costs of decision-making, by asking the public what to do instead, and… oh, I see.

It’s in fact a cost-cutting measure itself. If the public do all the work, public servants will all become redundant!

I suggest we cut all those unneccessary public servants, backbenchers and ministers. If Rudd’s such a workaholic, he ought to be able to run the country by himself.

So far they haven’t had many suggestions, though a Mr Henderson from Narre Warren asked if they could cut back his hedge.

Suggestions have come flooding in from the public, including cutting social services, the ABC, and Mrs Pollock from number 43, I just don’t like her.

The government want to hear any suggestions from the public about things they can cut funding for. Though if you’ve got any suggestions for things you’d like them to increase funding for, you can get stuffed.

Wasn’t the public already supposed to have poured all our ideas into the 2020 Summit? Here’s an idea – why not actually do something yourselves?

The Rudd Government are calling on the public and the Opposition to suggest things for their razor gang to cut. I reckon use of the term “razor gang” might be a good start.

But when they’ve cut the environment, education, health, welfare and taxes, what’s left to cut? Macrame class?

Of course Peter Garrett has already employed the razor gang – daily to his scalp.

They’ve asked the Coalition if they’ve got any ideas, but the only idea they’ve had so far is to keep on killing each other until one prevails as leader of the dead.

For extra ideas, they’ve even asked the Coalition, whose main idea so far has been that Rudd go take a flying fuck.

For extra ideas, they’ve even asked the Coalition. They suggest that Rudd come up with something called “WorkChoices”, lock up all the refugees, and talk about children being thrown into the sea. Worked for them…

For extra ideas, they’ve even asked the Coalition. But unfortunately, all their ideas Howard already did. And they didn’t work.

For extra ideas, they’ve even asked the Coalition. The Coalition has responded that, if they had any good ideas, they’d still be in power wouldn’t they.

Unfortunately the Opposition have already cut themselves into tiny little spindly threads.

The Opposition has had an excellent idea for cutbacks, by cutting out effective opposition. That’ll save a lot of time debating things.

Not only are they asking for ideas for possible cutbacks, but if anyone has any good ideas how to prevent terrorism, stop global warming, feed the poor, and house the homeless, that’d be awesome, thanks.

Not only are they asking for ideas for possible cutbacks, but also for any good ideas as to how to prevent terrorism, stop global warming, feed the poor, house the homeless, and if anyone knows how to use the photocopier, that’d be just great.

And if you’ve got any ideas for how to get out of this Iraq thingie, please let them know.

And if anyone’s got any idea how to operate the parliamentary coffee machine, that’d be awesome, they’re hangin’ for a latte.

And if anyone knows how to get into Kirribilli House, that’d be great – it seems the locks have been changed…

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