Kosher Giraffes (Good News Week 23/6/08: Animal magnetism)

An Israeli rabbi has declared giraffe to be kosher. He was forced to after a day at the zoo when he just couldn’t help himself.

An Israeli rabbi has declared giraffe to be kosher. He had to explain all the giraffe-skeletons somehow…

Giraffes are Kosher. And delicious.

Lucky – you know blintzes are actually mainly giraffe.

Not only is giraffe kosher, but if it’s bled properly, it’s halal, and if it’s mixed with enough cabbage, it’s dim sim.

You can feed a whole settlement for a week on the neck alone!

Now that’s a drumstick.

Of course you’ve still got to slaughter the giraffe in a kosher fashion. And it takes a LONG TIME to bleed that neck dry.

Giraffes are actually good animals to practice kosher slaughter on. Hard to miss that neck.

After all, when the Jews were on their exodus from ancient Egypt, it was eating giraffe that tided them over until they could find some decent blintzes.

What’d you think 600,000 Jews ate in the wilderness? Sand?

Makes sense: you’d need a creature that tall to feed 600,000 wandering Jews.

The giraffe is considered kosher because it has a cloven hoof and chews the cud, and its milk creates curds. And God’s totally cool about humans eating anything that has cloven hooves, chews cud and creates curds with its milk – he hates that shit.

God’s definitely cool with eating giraffes. To tell the truth, he was drunk when he invented them.

And, according to ancient giraffe lore, it’s totally fine to eat Jews. So it’s all fair and even.

The situation is perfect for Jewish lions.

According to a long-forgotten passage in the Torah, it is considered kosher to eat any animal with a really long neck, tiny little stubby horns, big octagonal spots, that starts with “g” and ends in “raffe”.

Gee, lucky for the giraffe that it’s got cloven hooves, chews cud and creates curds with its milk. Wouldn’t want rabbis to find you too unclean to eat.

Giraffes are said to be pleased. Sure, it means a few more of them get eaten, but it proves they’re better than pigs!

Not that many Jews would be likely to eat giraffe. But at least they can feel safe drinking giraffe milk.

After all, giraffes are just really tall cows. The only real difference is that you need to stand up to milk them.

Since the news, the sales of giraffe-bagels have skyrocketed. / there’s been a 90% increase in the sales of giraffe-latkes.

There’s nothing that says “Hanukah” like gefilte giraffe.

There’s nothing like a good knish stuffed with mashed potato, onion, and giraffe.

Not only can you eat them, but you can use their skin to make cool spotty yarmulkes. / but nothing says “cool” like a furry spotted yarmulke.

Well that certainly expands the average Jew’s culinary repertoire!

Apparently giraffes are not only kosher, but taste sensational in matzah ball soup.

Other animals soon to be added to the kosher list include blue whale, polar bear and panda. Oh to be a Jew! / Almost worth converting for.

Finally, Jews know what that giant ceremonial cutlery is for.

So now if you’re a Jew trapped in the Sahara, starving to death, at least you have one more option to keep you from breaking open the emergency ham.

They’re thinking of introducing herds of giraffes into Israel – they’re the only livestock that can see over the security barrier.

Muslims aren’t specifically allowed to eat giraffe, so Jews see it as a more convenient way of constructing a security barrier – just line up giraffes.

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