Six feet severed (Good News Week 23/6/08: monologue)

In Canada, the case of the mysterious severed feet in sneakers just keeps getting stranger. Now the total comes to six feet, or, in Australian, just about 2 metres.

The feet keep washing up on Canadian shores. We’ve previously told you of three right feet that had been found on island beaches. Well since then they’ve found two more rights and a left. Which eliminates the theory of a shark who only liked the taste of lefts.

It’s not surprising, if you’ve ever tried to eat a whole human, you’ll find it really difficult to fit in the last foot.

6 feet have been washed up on Canadian beaches. And you should see the ones that got away!

At least five of the six feet have been found in training shoes. The sixth was also thought to have originally been in a runner, but fell into the hands of a street gang who couldn’t resist a spare Reebok.

It’s thought that they may be victims of a shark who just doesn’t know the street value of an uneaten pair of Nikes.

They think the feet may belong to four men who are still missing from 2005, when their plane went down in the area. The extra two feet must have belonged to the plane. / One of the men was carrying two spare feet, just in case. / They’re theorising that the extra two feet must’ve been one of the men’s lunch. / The two extra feet must’ve been lunch.

One theory is that the feet all belong to Christians who have drowned in the area. Even though their bodies may have disintegrated, their soles have been saved…

The origin of the feet remains a mystery, though the two primary theories remain a shark or a cannibal who has trouble undoing double-knots.

Families of missing persons are desperate to find out if the feet belong to their loved ones, so at least they can lay something to rest. Foot-rest. / so they can finally lay them six feet under.

I blame the media. If we hadn’t’ve heard so much about these earlier three feet, we’d never have had what we clearly have now: a copycat foot-severer.

The feet have nothing in common, except for running shoes and a bad case of foot odour. / and a really rank taste. / except for all being found in running shoes, oh, and the fact they’re all odd severed feet found at sea.

All the severed sneaker-feet found on the beach so far have been adult feet. I guess when someone fishes out a child’s foot they just throw it back. Too small. / When someone fishes out a child’s foot they tend to just give it a kiss and throw it back into the ocean.

Police think they may have confirmed why the feet have been abandoned. They taste foul.

One theory is that it’s the consequences of a Heather Mills look-alike contest that went horribly wrong. / One theory is that Canadians are taking their Heather Mills look-alike contests way too seriously.

Looks like a serial killer to me, and we’ve found his achilles heel. Other people’s.

Another theory is that it’s what happens when people don’t pay for their gangland pedicures.

Another theory is that it was a group of Canadian psychotics who just wanted to play footy. / who had just misunderstood the concept of “playing footy”.

Another theory suggests a foot-fetishist serial killer who lives on a houseboat and just happens to be unusually clumsy.

Another theory is that the killer is one of the judges from So You Think You Can Dance, taking revenge upon all the dancers with two left feet.

Canadian police aren’t ruling out any options, but say it’s unlikely that all six feet come from the same person.

The police still have no leads, but if anyone comes forward and claims that all the feet are his, they’ll be checking the bottom of his legs very carefully. / but will treat anyone coming forward to claim all the feet with suspicion.

Police are on the lookout for a cannibal with an aversion to tinea.

The most likely explanation so far seems to be that a team of particularly delicious one-legged basketball players fell out of an upside-down helicopter somewhere over the ocean.

It’s nothing suspicious. While bodies can disintegrate or be eaten at sea, feet are a tightly bound network of bones and tendons, further held together by the shoe and sock. It’s surprising all beaches aren’t covered in them.

A retired coroner and military diver believes there’s no foul play at work, it’s just that more people are walking on beaches these days. You know, I’m no policeman, but… arrest him.

Now who’ll be the first sneaker manufacturer to use this in an ad campaign?

An Adidas spokesman said he was sorry for the apparent loss of life, but it did show just how resilient their shoes were. / but you’ve got to admit they make a pretty hardy runner.

But there may be no mystery assailant or murderous foot-fetishist at large. Apparently, after long enough in sea-water, bodies tend to disintegrate, falling apart at the joints after the flesh turns to a soapy substance called ‘grave wax’, which is eaten by crabs. And is also great for getting a good lather in the shower. / for bubblebaths. / for making into candles. / for polishing your hearse.

In a shocking update, the sixth foot turns out to have been an animal’s foot, and not human at all! Not only does this murderous foot fetishist cut off people’s feet and throw them in the ocean, but Canadian animals are now running around in sneakers.

The sixth foot has now been revealed to be a hoax – an animal’s foot bones packed into a sock and shoe with seaweed. Which I guess is better than someone actually hacking off another person’s foot for a gag.

The sixth foot has been revealed to be a hoax, showing the danger that stories about severed feet will just turn into a running gag.

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