Canberra bans fireworks (Good News Week 23/6/08: monologue)

The ACT government is considering banning fireworks. What? Next they’ll be banning X-rated porn and illicit drugs! It’s unCanberrian!

Lucky they’re not banning drugs and porn, or our politicians would have nothing to do!

From now on, fireworks in Canberra will be restricted to Question Time.

It’s not a good idea to take away our pollies’ fireworks. It’s just going to make them more eager to detonate other things. / It’s just going to make them want to use all those cool exploding things the Army has.

It’s not a good idea to take away our pollies’ fireworks. No-one else has the power to send us to war just to watch things explode…

They’ve already got all the porn and dope – surely they don’t need all the fireworks as well?

But it’s Canberra! What else is there to do?

Incidents are on the rise. People in the ACT are so addled from their constant drug-affected masturbation that they forget they even have fireworks, and just think it’s a really fancy looking cigarette.

But surely it’s a good idea to have all the exploding devices restricted to our capital city? It keeps the parliamentary security guards on their toes.

No! If fireworks are banned in Canberra, where’s the next nearest place we can go to legally blow things up? East Timor?

But now that there’s no incentives for pyromaniacs to get elected, Parliament will be reduced to just the druggies and porn addicts!

ACT coppers received over 195 complaints about fireworks during the Queen’s Birthday holiday weekend, and the rest of Australia could only reminisce about the good ol’ days of pissing off your neighbour with a penny bunger.

There were 195 complaints over the Queen’s Birthday weekend. That little devil of a monarch! / She just parties too hard! / Someone needs to tell that party-girl to slow down!

There were 195 complaints about fireworks over the Queen’s Birthday weekend. But then that woman never stops calling.

There were 195 complaints over the Queen’s Birthday weekend, 190 of them caused by interstate visitors. / a package tour from across the border. / people only in Canberra for a long weekend of fireworks and pissing off Canberrans. / Territorians.

There were 195 complaints over the Queen’s Birthday weekend. Mostly people from other states complaining that it’s not fair.

There were 195 complaints over the Queen’s Birthday weekend. Although, 190 of them were Kevin Rudd telling his colleagues to stop slacking off and get back to work.

Police Minister Simon Corbell was angered by the long weekend’s antics, saying that too many idiots were spoiling the average person’s ability to set fire to explosives deemed too dangerous to use anywhere else in the country.

Police Minister Simon Corbell said “too many idiots” are spoiling the fun for everyone else, and he wished they would just blow themselves up.

Kevin Rudd lent partial support to the ban, saying he definitely wants a ban on all nuclear fireworks.

Kevin Rudd has backed the plan, saying that we need to save all our explosive devices for Iraq.

You think the Queen’s Birthday is big in Canberra, you should see it in Iraq! Explosions everywhere – it’s just one big long weekend over there.

They’re going to ban fireworks, but waterworks will still be okay. As long as you lay down some rubber sheets first.

All the other states manage all right without fireworks. We make up for it with gangland warfare.

So, terrorists – if you want your attack on Parliament House to just blend right in, you know which weekend to do it.

Some people are abusing the privilege of fireworks. And it’s also kinda giving al-Qaeda a local training ground.

But then long weekends in the ACT are the only time terrorists get a chance to do some testing.

Fireworks are becoming a major problem in the ACT on long weekends. But then if they’re banned, tourists will just have to amuse themselves with an X-rated dope rampage.

But come on – it’s Canberra! I can’t think of anywhere else you can get loaded on dope, watch an X-rated porno and then blow something up – in the Senate!

Where else can you go to get loaded on dope, watch an X-rated porno and then blow something up? Mikey’s place?

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