Shit, More Fucking Watermarks (Good News Week 7/7/08: monologue)

Foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsey has caused a stir, with his frequent swearing provoking Senate recommendations for changes to Australia’s broadcasting standards. The new recommendations include mandating that all new digital TVs include parental lock-out systems, which whenever they detect the presence of swearing will replace it with a matronly voice saying “Wash your mouth out!”

Foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsey’s frequent swearing has provoked government talk of wide-ranging changes to Australia’s broadcasting standards, such as extra warnings, permanent watermarks of the show’s classification symbol, and parental lock-out mechanisms on all new digital TVs. Because just taking the show off the air would be too easy. / Because putting it at on 9:30 might harm ratings.

The Senate leapt to investigate the presence of swearing on TV, since global warming, oil crises and economic meltdowns were all a bit too hard.

The new recommendations include mandating that all new digital TVs include parental lock-out systems, and all analogue TVs include a so-called “off switch”.

The new recommendations include mandating that all new digital TVs include parental lock-out systems. We all know that’ll be just another thing that kids will have to teach their parents… “How do you use the lockout again?” “Mum, it’s the red button! No, the RED button.”

All new digital TVs will have to include parental lock-out systems, to ensure that you can go back to neglectful parenting without junior having to hear a naughty word.

One proposal is to make sure that the show’s classification is permanently on display. That way at least there’s a reason for the swearing. / That way the swearing can take place at home!

The proposed changes include a permanent display of the show’s classification on screen. Parliamentary prudes are hoping that if we throw enough extra crap up on the screen we won’t notice Ramsey dropping the f-word every 10 seconds.

Because no harm can come to a child that hears swearing while seeing a watermark, can it?

So, rather than bleep out the swearing, or showing the program later at night, they’re thinking of showing a watermark with the show’s rating on it the whole time. Because then kids will be so distracted by the fucking thing they’ll forget all about the swearing. / The idea is, that kids will just watch something else if the show’s ruined by a huge watermark. As will everyone else.

Liberal Senator Corey Bernadi says that, although he does not embrace censorship, the show should be heavily censored. / he does embrace the suppression of speech or deletion of communicative material which may be considered objectionable, harmful or sensitive, as determined by a censor.

New guidelines suggest the warning “contains foul fuckin’ language” just so people know what they’re in for.

But if children don’t learn how to swear properly, how are they going to understand this fucking show? / how are they going to understand Question Time?

Ooh dear. Kids learning about words that their parents use all the time. Something need to be done!

Because think of the psychological damage that could be done if a kid heard that rude word from recess repeated on the telly!

Children’s representatives were asked to give evidence to the commission but said that those cunts could go get fucked.

Kiddies shouldn’t be learning about words that refer to sex and natural bodily functions. They should be watching the news – where they can learn about people dying from floods, earthquakes, and illegal invasions. / where they can learn about war, death, and forced incest.

It turns out people aren’t offended by Ramsey’s swearing, but by the fact he’s such a fucking cunt. / such a fucking arsehole.

But if you remove the swearing and angry outbursts from his show, all you’re left with is the cooking.

But it’s hard to cook without swearing, especially if you’re trying to prepare a delicious meal of fried fuck-cakes on arse. / deep-fucked arse-noodles on cock.

But it’s hard to cook without swearing, especially if you’re serving Peking Fuck.

But if people want to watch swearing, they can fucking watch us!

The Australian Family Association has raised a number of complaints about “Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares”, including that the use of the word “Nightmares” in the program title will cause kids to have bad dreams.

The head of the Nine Network has said that they’ve banned the C-word from all broadcasts. That’s right: no more Censorship.

The head of the Nine Network has said that they’ve banned the C-word from all broadcasts. Cunts.

But we’ve already got station watermarks (show watermark), ad crawls (show crawl), pop-ups (show pop-up) and now they want to add permanently displayed classifications (show classification). Programs with frequent swearing will also be forced to include the following graphic… (G Ramsey’s disembodied head, preferably with a flapping lower jaw).

We’ll also have to permanently display a list of sponsors (show list of sponsor logos) and the program’s website (show GNW website, covered in pop-ups and ads).

With Channel Ten also deciding to remove credits from the ends of all programs, they’ll have to run during the show. (run credits over half the screen) And on a show like this, each individual joke will have to be credited. (pause) I guess that wasn’t a joke.

Of course your digital TV will also have to display the program name (display “GNW”) , the next program (“Mark Loves Sharon”), their classifications (M, MA) and synopses. (GNW: This week, cheap jokes about Gordon Ramsey and lots of swearing; Mark Loves Sharon: Can you believe The Wedge has a spin-off show? Believe it, people.)

So we’ve got the station ID watermark already, and now we’ll be getting classification watermarks (watermark comes up with: “MA: may frequent coarse language, drug references, sexual references, adult themes, and crap jokes”). Oooh, don’t forget the popups! (popup ad pops up, about a third of the screen: “COMING SOON: CLASSIFICATION WATERMARKS!”) And the newsbar… (newsbar scrolls past: “Shock newsbar scrolls too fast to be properly readable – Old CNNNN joke reused by Good News Week – Pop-up ad for classification watermarks takes up about a third of screen in shock visual satire gag – Viewers find joke difficult to pay attention to with overload of visual stimulus, and miss the really good bits of Paul’s delivery – like that bit just then – and that bit – Shock expose: nerds who watch programs in slow motion have no sex life – ”) And, for those of you who want all this in superior quality… (massive “Now Available in HD!” logo covers the rest of the screen).

All this crap is hard enough to see the program through. But you should try it with your Electronic Program Guide. (Shrink entire picture to the top left of the screen in an EPG-style display.)

Of course Ramsey’s swearing hasn’t stopped him topping the ratings. (large red flashing graphic: EXTREME SWEAR ALERT) All I have to say about that is: fuck all you motherfucking cunts!

All viewers are recommended to switch to widescreen TVs just so that they can still see some of the program. (Paul waves around side of stuff so only widescreen viewers can see.) Hello yuppies!

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