Good Next Week (Good News Week 14/7/08: closing)

Tues, July 15
Tomorrow is World Youth Day, and, if you’re an anti-Catholic protestor, it’s World Youch Day.

Tomorrow is World Youth Day, so non-Catholic Sydneysiders are advised to hide in their cupboards.

Tomorrow is World Youth Day, where all over Sydney, Catholic priests will be offered their choice of youth.

The “Future Of Media” summit will be held tomorrow! In the future! How did they know?

The “Future Of Media” summit in Sydney will be conducted entirely by brain-plug. / mind-chip. / hologram. / inserting wires into the attendees, and letting them think to each other.

On Tuesday, Ian Thorpe’s defamation case against the French newspaper will be in a Sydney court – apparently, they refused to call him “The Thorpedo”.

Wed, July 16
Climate Change Minister Penny Wong will appear at the National Press Club and convince us that not only are rising petrol prices good for us, but eat up your sprouts.

In the UK, the Lambeth Anglican Church conference will pretend World Youth Day doesn’t exist.

Thurs, July 17
Pope Benedict will arrive in Sydney via boat – he’ll be catching the Ark.

Pope Benedict will arrive in Sydney via boat, when the heavenly hosts fail to materialise – again.

Thursday sees the long-anticipated release of “The Dark Knight”, with a personal appearance by Heath Ledger in character. These days he doesn’t even need makeup!

On Thursday, the Iraq National Day will be cancelled and replaced by US Liberation Day.

Surprise at Berlin Fashion Week: walls are back in style!

Fri, July 18
The Stations Of The Cross event will make a great calendar.

The Stations Of The Cross event will be a great chance for retailers to shift their leftover Easter eggs.

At the Crime Writers’ Festival in Melbourne, they’ll discover a book with no author credited, and try to work out whodunit…

In Melbourne, the Crime Writers’ Festival will be marked by dozens of mysterious deaths and disappearances of fictional detectives.

Richard Branson will turn 58, and celebrate by ceasing to be a Virgin.

On Friday, Nelson Mandela will turn 90, and finally admit that actually, apartheid was pretty cool. (It kept those filthy whiteys away.)

Sat, July 19
Saturday will see the Australian Defence Charity Ball in Brisbane – well, you gotta pay for those vast quantities of killing machines somehow.

Sun, July 20
Sunday’s motorcade through Sydney streets will feature Donks, Boxes, Bubbles and Popes.

And on Sunday, people will be shocked when they go to see the Pope conducting a service, and all they get is some weird gooey Papal Mass.

Marcia Hines turns 55, but that won’t stop her trying to judge what the young people will want to listen to.

Mon, July 21
To celebrate the 20th anniversary of Sydney’s monorail, it’ll pop a mono.

To celebrate the 20th anniversary of Sydney’s monorail, they’ll get it another rail.

Bec & Lleyton Hewitt celebrate their 3rd wedding anniversary, but unfortunately Lleyton will be knocked out by Roger Federer before reaching the 4th.

N.S.W. Premier Morris Iemma turns 47, but has gathered enough hatred for a man at least ten years older.

The Australian Advertising & Marketing summit will be a great success and lead to a spin-off sitcom.

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